Dealing with death?

[JayJay]

Sincerest condolences.

 

[globetrotter]

I am very sorry to hear that, my condolences. is there a grief group available to join in your area? as people have mentioned, discussing this and being able to talk about it can be helpful, and having a group of people who really can identify may be very helpful.

the single most helpful thing for me (and I haven't lost a close loved one yet) has been to get together with friends of the deceased and remember the best times we had, and laugh at the funny parts.

good luck

 

[Farhad19620]

Sincere condolences on your loss and I agree with the advice for the members above. I lost my best friend last year he was 39 , I used to speak to him twice a day one day I got a call at 7 am that he has died of a heart attack, my life was turned around..He was a fit young man and was a very caring gentleman.

It has been over a year now and to be honest I do not know what I feel I think of him every second of my life and pray that his soul rest in peace.

I have gone through a lot of emotions and I have shed a lot of tears but I just can not understand why his live had to come to such a sudden end, my religious believes help me I can only say for myself as I always say 'God is Great' .

 

[Tck13]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

FWIW, I had a class in college about "Death and Dying" and grief and it was very informative (but slightly macabre) class. I'm not sure how the teacher got so involved on the topic but I learned a bit from the class.

Below is an example of what you may experience during the time of grieving (from "On Death and Dying"). Link


1. Denial: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."


Also, I've found a cliche (if you will) that really applies. The amount of grief you have towards someone is directly porportional to how much you loved them. So, don't be afraid to grieve for your loss.

In addition, sometimes setting up something to honor the person with may help. A visit to somewhere (however often) or do something which you both enjoyed can honor the memories that you had with the other person.

 

[Dakota rube]

Allow me to add my condolences as well. And to, like others, urge you to openly discuss your feelings with others as you go through the grieving process. tck's list is a quite accurate reflection of the steps I've gone through each time a loved one of mine has died. Talk. Share your feelings. Laugh. Cry. It is a rocky road you're on, but not one that goes on forever.

 

[micbain]

I think the biggest mental hurdle for me is the "why?" - I can't stop asking it, and find myself talking to my brother aloud asking him why. The way he left has made it even more difficult to accept and it feels like i'm stuck in some bad dream...

 

[johnapril]

Originally Posted by micbain

My brother recently passed away and I'm going through a very rough patch right now - anyone go through a similar experience? Any pearls of wisdom?

Say something at the funeral.

 

[hi-val]

Another thing that came to mind as theraputic is to write a letter to the deceased person. Talk to them about how you're wondering why they did it, how you feel about what they did and how difficult it is. Remember some nice things. Tell them some good things that have happened to you lately. Then shred/burn the letter. Write several if it's helpful.

 

[Piobaire]

The first meaningful death in your life is always tough to deal with. I lost my father at 9 and my oldest brother at 13. He hung himself, the result of PTSD from Viet Nam (I am the youngest of a large family). I lost my best friend of 20 years last year.

Don't ask "why". It happened. Knowing the reason can't change it. Don't submerge feelings of loss, anger, etc., but don't dwell on them either. Life is for the living, so go live it. I posted here about the dinner I hosted on the first anniversay of my best friend's death, where I brought out the Louis XIII that I had been saving for his first visit to my new home (along with mucho other fabulous Scotch and wine). I marked his passing with friends. Remember but don't dwell, celebrate that you knew him but don't fixate that he's gone.

That's about all I can tell you.

 

[thinman]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Like Piobaire, I lost my father when I was 9 and my mom passed away 4 years ago, but I've never suffered anything comparable to what you must be going through. I agree with Piobaire that asking "why" is not productive, as there are some things we'll never know. To what others have said, I can only add, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Sometimes it can be helpful to vent to a disinterested party and professional counselors can give you some coping strategies you may not think of.

Depression can also have a genetic component, so also remain aware of your own emotions, especially during your time of grief.

 

[globetrotter]

Originally Posted by Piobaire

The first meaningful death in your life is always tough to deal with. I lost my father at 9 and my oldest brother at 13. He hung himself, the result of PTSD from Viet Nam .

jesus. I'm sorry for your loss. that is hard.

 

[mack11211]

It's very hard. You may want live people to talk to, including other people going through the same thing. In NYC, there is this group, which I recommend: http://www.friendsindeed.org/fid_index.html If you are not in NYC, perhaps they can recommend a similar group closer to where you live.

 

[Piobaire]

Originally Posted by globetrotter

jesus. I'm sorry for your loss. that is hard.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. It was hard to deal with at 13 but it made sense within a few years. It might have helped shape part of my beliefs, as I find suicide valid for some people and think there is no shame in suicide. It's not something I can ever see myself doing, but I can sure see why someone might find death preferable to living, and respect those that make that decision.

You really just need to remember life is for the living, let the dead mourn their own. Remembering is good and healthy, but get on with life IMO.

 

[ccc123]

My condolences - i can only imagine how difficult this is for you - I lost my grand mother last week, and while its hard for those left without a loved one - I can only say what has seemed to work for me at one of life's most challenging times, is a inner stillness that comes over me when i just sit still and let the feelings, memories and all come in to my mind, i then get a view to the knowledge and truth that help me recall all that I shared, all that I hold dear, and i know that I will always have those things in my heart, and the healing hands of time may offer some relief, where I build a connection and ability to deal with the loss, and know that life is really a series of hellos and goodbyes, for now this is a goodbye- and I may being saying hello to my grandmother again, somewhere down the road on my path. Perhaps there might be some parallels with your brother, i hope so.

its good that you are talking, listening, and truly healing - i hope you ask for help when you need it, are pissed off when you need to be, laugh and cry when you need that - but mostly i hope you know that you have a good start, to get through this because you are open to and welcoming advise. Be well and let time work for you, all your feelings are valid, and I wish you strength and peace of mind!

 

[Sucrose]

Your life will eventually return to a sense of normalcy, although your life will never again be the same. It's sort of like losing a limb -you eventually learn to adapt without it, but part of you is lost forever.

In the meantime, you just have to be very patient with yourself and treat yourself with as much kindness and consideration as you can.