I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

[willpower]

Originally Posted by MarkI

She says she can't really explain it, which irks me to no end. The week before all of this went down, she was telling me how much she needed me, how happy she was etc, literally the week before!
Don't expect a rational explanation, you're not going to get one. She's not into it anymore, it's as simple as that. Too many guys get hung up on this point. It's a useless pursuit - useless. Cut it off with her completely, grieve, and find a new, improved chick when you're ready. Hell, you live in The City. Your happiest days are ahead of you.

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by MarkI

She says she can't really explain it, which irks me to no end.

The week before all of this went down, she was telling me how much she needed me, how happy she was etc, literally the week before!

Well, obviously, we can't know what's in her head, but it sounds to me like she was trying to convince herself the week before. Could've been compensation for flirtation (or something more) with someone else, or some more internal issue. She may really be unable to articulate her issues, or simply unwilling because of how it might make you feel or make her look. Only she would know"”and maybe even she doesn't.

Anyway, if she's willing to work through it with a therapist, it might be worth a shot. Otherwise, I'm inclined to agree with you and "the panel" that moving on beats hanging on.

 

[HgaleK]

Originally Posted by MarkI

She says she can't really explain it, which irks me to no end. The week before all of this went down, she was telling me how much she needed me, how happy she was etc, literally the week before!
This doesn't mean much* unfortunately.

 

[mordecai]

I have a thought that I will not share.

 

[mm84321]

Originally Posted by mordecai

I have a thought that I will not share.

I find, sometimes, that's usually a wise decision.

 

[Dakota rube]

Originally Posted by mm84321

I find, sometimes, that's usually a wise decision.

wow.
definitive.

 

[Gibonius]

Originally Posted by pstoller

Consider couples therapy. It can help.

I have a hard time seeing how a dating relationship can be worth therapy. If you're married, by all means, exert every resource to fix your problems. But while still dating? I don't really get that. You date to find the right people, isn't finding that you need therapy a pretty good sign that the relationship isn't working and you should find someone more suitable?

 

[mm84321]

Originally Posted by Gibonius

I have a hard time seeing how a dating relationship can be worth therapy. If you're married, by all means, exert every resource to fix your problems. But while still dating? I don't really get that. You date to find the right people, isn't finding that you need therapy a pretty good sign that the relationship isn't working and you should find someone more suitable?
Agreed, great point. If you need to seek therapy just to maintain a non-marital relationship, that usually is a good indication that a long-term relationship is just not meant to be. As much as it may hurt at first, moving on is probably the best consideration, in this case.

 

[mordecai]

Originally Posted by Gibonius

I have a hard time seeing how a dating relationship can be worth therapy. If you're married, by all means, exert every resource to fix your problems. But while still dating? I don't really get that. You date to find the right people, isn't finding that you need therapy a pretty good sign that the relationship isn't working and you should find someone more suitable?

+1 If you don't have trouble getting along with other people in general, you shouldn't go to therapy just because you can't get along with one specific person. There's nothing wrong with you.

 

[Matt]

ok it sounds like deployed my send her packing strategy here, but got it a little wrong...

Originally Posted by MarkI

At first when she got there, I said to her something along the lines of, "You know, I was doing some thinking the past couple of days, and maybe you are right, and we can't be together."
yup, this sounds familiar, and you are doing well to this point.... but then you got into this:

Then we talked some for a little bit, and says she still feels like she needs some space and some time, I told her I simply can't do that, you have to respect me and how I feel about this, you can't just prance around taking all the time in the world, while i'm sitting here in some ******* limbo. You either let me move on with my life, or you stay and we work things out.

when you were supposed to be letting her stew while you play a waiting game. In short, you should have been crying privately in the back of a taxi at this point instead of publicly in front of her. She should be thinking "my god, he's gone" not hearing that you are being strung along "in some ******* limbo". This is the 'Quit Playing Games Wit My Heart' stuff I said to avoid. At which point....this:

After this she kept stressing she needs time, she doesn't know if we can be together etc, a couple of times she got up, and it seemed like she was just gonna walk out, KNOWING that I would really sever all ties with her, but she didn't believe I would do that.

becomes an inevitability.

She said she didn't appreciate how i'm sort of making an ultimatum, which it really wasn't.

Ya, see you shouldn't have made her feel like 'i can take him or leave him'...you should have had her feeling 'left'. Sitting alone at a table with cup half full of espresso and a head chock full of rejection. Instead you got a tentative stay of execution here:

Long story short, in the end she agreed that we would stay together, but she doesn't necessarily feel right about it, she said she trusts me when I say that everything is going to be alright, and she still loves me....She said she felt like she was going against her better judgement, but at the same time she doesn't think she stayed 100% because of me, or what I said or did...so some part of her still wanted to stay

which admittedly is better than I thought you would get, but certainly far from ideal by both your and her admission. Still man, it took balls to try the tactic, and that's commendable. I think in all likelihood, you may just have to suck this one up, spend some time whining to the boys and let this girl pass. There will be others, I promise, and there will be a smarter, tougher Mark for the experience. Good luck man, sincerely.

 

[kungapa]

Originally Posted by MarkI

This is really difficult, but I think i'm going to bow out. I was thinking about it, and I think i've decided. I'm going to say pretty much what APK said above, and bow out.

I won't give any ultimatums, like come back now or never. I'm just going to attempt to move on as best as I could, and if she initiates contact, then i'll try to be open too it. But I can't go on like this, it is unhealthy, and no good.

Teger is right when he says I need to reassert control, that's what i'm going to do. Leaving.

What I would do is bow out, cease contact and tell her you will not be waiting for her. She comes back and you are still willing to try something, great. But don't wait around, and don't in your mind keep it as a possibility - simply consider it over and leave it at that. Sitting like a dog at her lap wishing for her to decide you are worthy of her attention is not going to get her back.

Also, I've found that girls are like trapeze artists - they never let go until there is something else on the horizon.

 

[Beetleything]

Originally Posted by MarkI

She says she can't really explain it, which irks me to no end.

The week before all of this went down, she was telling me how much she needed me, how happy she was etc, literally the week before!

Yep....Women are so emotional and most definitely BIPOLAR!

 

[bbhewee]

Originally Posted by MarkI

She says she can't really explain it, which irks me to no end.

The week before all of this went down, she was telling me how much she needed me, how happy she was etc, literally the week before!

Mate I've been pretty much the same motions as you. Talked her into trying it again, she eventually left me, although I was the "man of her life" only a couple of weeks before.
Bitches be crazy, son.

Forget the underlying reasons, forget the "how did we get to this". This happens, and if I'd had to do it all over again, I would have loved to have some of the advice on here.

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by Gibonius

I have a hard time seeing how a dating relationship can be worth therapy.

First, I don't know how long Mark and his GF were together, but he said they had spoken of marriage and that he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. That, to me, is a bit more than "a dating relationship."

Second, couples therapy isn't just about fixing problems, but determining whether they are fixable. Either way, it can help you to move forward. Now, if they were together for six months and the marriage talk was merely overreaching, then, no, I wouldn't bother seeking professional help. (At least, not as a couple.) But, if they were together a few years and perhaps living together, then, yeah, I'd give it a shot.

 

[willpower]

Originally Posted by bbhewee

Forget the underlying reasons, forget the "how did we get to this". This happens, and if I'd had to do it all over again, I would have loved to have some of the advice on here.


Me too. Had to go through a lot of pain to learn these lessons. Yet everybody thinks their situation is unique and an exception to the rule - nope.