I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

[APK]

Did SF collectively stop getting dumped or what?

Joined this club once more about three months ago ending a complex three-year relationship. She had two young kids when we started dating, and obviously over time, I really grew to care for them as if they were my own. It was never the ideal situation, but it's hit me hard in the last few weeks as I've started addressing my own flaws (impatience, selfishness, pettiness). I'm also having a tougher time dealing with the reality that I'm going to basically miss these kids grow up after seeing every little development over the last three years.

She just started seeing someone else, who is a bit older and has two kids of his own. I kind of wanted to write it off as a fling because he's coming out of a near 20-year marriage. It may end up still being that, but the more I think about it, the more I can see them finding the situation appealing: She finds him really smart, money would essentially cease to be a concern, and he "knows" kids, and would be cool with not having more. For him, he gets a young attractive girlfriend/wife and doesn't have to deal with the weird transition of being alone after nearly two decades of matrimony.

If it were to pan out, I would eventually be happy for her. The girl I used to post about years ago, the only person I genuinely saw myself marrying, is with someone else now and I'm genuinely happy for her. With this girl, I don't hate her, and I was the one who did leave after all. But for the moment, I'm still in the shocked and bruised ego phase because this is all happening so quickly.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

^ Damn, bro. Sorry to hear that. But -- and I don't know if it's just me -- I'm getting the vibe that you wanna pursue her again. What are realistic chances you can get her back?

 

[APK]



^ Damn, bro. Sorry to hear that. But -- and I don't know if it's just me -- I'm getting the vibe that you wanna pursue her again. What are realistic chances you can get her back?

Probably non-existent right now. Who knows what will become of this new guy, but I've learned the hard way before that you cannot be less appealing to an ex than when she's just started seeing a new guy. And she may not yet be sure about him, but she's pretty sure about me. And honestly, I don't know that I would want her to toss aside the new guy for me right now. This could be a fling or it could be the real thing, but I know that I need her to find that out for herself without any influence from me. I know that means I need to just proceed with my own business for now, because the last thing I need to do is try to wait it out for a few months, only to either have it turn serious or her still not be interested in resuming the relationship.

I know that if this really was it, I will eventually make peace without. But right now, it's tough to know that the kids still view me as part of the immediate family even though they've barely seen me recently. Doubly tough knowing that it's not even a matter of proposing another go at it, because she's seeing this guy. I asked her recently when she considered the possibility of the relationship closed and she said the night I moved out my stuff. I don't really buy it, thinking back on it. A few weeks later, I came to the house and saw a cake on the counter with a "3" candle on it, since it would've been our third anniversary. I don't really think you do stuff like that when you're no longer sold on the possibility of the relationship.

Here are some posts I made about the situation elsewhere, and you'll see that it was indeed a really complex situation.

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

Well, she ended up getting a cool house with lots of potential around here. I got an apartment. We both still balked at ending it for good, so I was staying at the house for a few weeks. But naturally, things returned to usual not long after, and we were both preoccupied with other things to put much effort into it. I ended up moving a lot of my things out earlier this year, but still wasn't totally closed to figuring something out with her again. But really, it had been a long time coming and we didn't really have much trust left in each other, so as it turns out, that was really it for her. I was still around a bit, because of the kids, figuring that it wasn't a big deal because most of the relationship had been stressful, or underwhelming and we really just didn't mesh in a lot of ways or bring out the best in each other. For the most part, I felt good about my decision to leave.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I realized it was time to accept my long-time anger and impatience issues. Just finally accepting that they were more extreme than I let myself believe made a huge difference. Being all high on these changes, I started re-evaluating if this would potentially make revisiting the relationship viable. I didn't come outright and say that the next time we spoke, but she kind of picked up on it. Alas, it was too late. She mentioned she'd had this harmless crush on a higher up at her job and that she had recently suspected maybe he was interested in her. She's really attractive, and he's something like mid-40s in the process of a year-long divorce, so um, yeah, I thought, of course he's interested. Anyway, she apparently sent him a message expressing interest and now the dude is crazy anxious blowing up her phone, already talking about maybe eventually flying her out to NYC while he's there on business; the type of stuff she's usually put off by. But I think the potential of something new with someone cut from a more sophisticated cloth is too appealing for her to not investigate. And let's face it, she's not a gold-digger, but that six-figure income sure isn't hurting his chances.

Needless to say, I've been pretty bummed about it, partly because of this change of heart I was having and also just the dumb ego issue of her really moving along. I kinda doubt it will end up being more than a few weeks/months of hooking up, but with how eager he seemed, who knows. She doesn't make really good money and neither do I, so my natural competitive nature is taking a drubbing thinking about what this guy can do for her financially. And then, of course, there's the painful truth that I'll need to basically cut ties with the kids sooner than I had expected to.

I know that most of my anger or disappointment is just jealousy based on feeling embarrassed and that a lot of this will subside once I just get back out there myself. This isn't like my last serious relationship where I was totally blindsided and couldn't understand at the time why it was over. This one was a long time coming and for pretty good reasons. I just need to shake the nostalgia of the three years, remembering that I was unfulfilled a lot of the time by the relationship. Probably would help if she were ugly!

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

And I didn't even mention that the first year of our relationship was complicated by the father of her children, who was kind of a **** up and bipolar. She still thought incredibly highly of him after she ended things, but he never really got over it, and meddled in our situation often. Then he had a near-suicide attempt about 8 months into our relationship, followed by him actually sealing the deal one year later to do the day, which was only a few weeks after she and I moved in together.

Basically, after that, I always thought almost anyone would stand a better chance, since I was always going to be linked to this guy in a way, and while his mental issues got him to the point of suicide, it was our living together that was pretty much it for him. I wasn't the best partner in terms of comfort for long after it happened, and she resented me for a long time because of it. Part of her probably still does.

Anyway, I agree the might make a better match in that she has a tendency to be emotionally unavailable, which means that she wants a partner, but not necessarily for all the aspects that you expect to get from a romantic partner. I'm pretty sure she's done having kids, which I think wouldn't work for me, since having a hand in raising her two kids the last three years made me realize I actually want kids of my own, too. We're both 30, and her youngest is four, so I think starting the whole process again that appealing. So, very few things point to us ever having a real future where we were both satisfied, which will definitely will help me as time goes on in knowing that this is the tough thing to do right now, but also the right thing.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

^ Damn, that's rough. I can't even begin to go through a relationship with challenges like that (I'm in my mid-20s fwiw). I'd probably tap out after a few months!

If you don't mind me asking, IF there were no kids involved, would you still feel the same way about the loss of the relationship? In other words, how much of it is your feelings for your ex and how much of it is because of the children?

 

[APK]

The kids are a huge part of it for me, especially the boy. I didn't know it was possible to love a kid who wasn't yours as much as I do him. The girl is different; kind of bratty, attention-seeking, etc. But she's got her charms and I think she's going to be a really cool kid before it's all said and done.

As for the ex, it's really tough. She was absolutely the main reason I finally left. She's not great at verbal affection, and can be a bit more reserved emotionally, which made it tough to know how she was feeling a lot of the time. I, on the other hand, am probably too needy in that regards, so we definitely didn't blend there. I guess the main reason I'm even feeling like I'd give it another shot is because I've come to realize what a ****** attitude I had about things most days, and how my need for validation from her was a byproduct of my own so-so vision of myself.

Not saying it would work even then, but I don't think it would have deteriorated the way that it did if I had been more easy-going about things and treated the parenting more as a 50-50 partnership rather than, "I'll do some of the stuff, but not as much as her."

And honestly, I didn't give any indication I wanted to even discuss getting back together until she told me that this guy was maybe interested. So I know that if this is really it, I can take comfort in knowing that there had to be a reason why I passed up many opportunities to even address the issue.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

Well, okay judging from what you've said about her, I'm kinda torn on whether she's using this guy as a potential ploy to make you jealous or she genuinely cares for him. But it seems you're mature enough to not do anything rash. That's gotta count for something.

 

[APK]

I honestly just think she's moving on. I look back at our reconciling before we moved into the house and realize it was pretty much our last shot. At 30 with two kids, she's admittedly too old to be playing the together, not together type of games. I realize now that I wasn't stable about the relationship those last few months and I wouldn't have really counted on myself if I were her, either.

She's always been the type to move on quickly, if not a new relationship then at least a fun distraction. I'd say there was probably a month-long window after I left for me to try to reconcile. I did nothing. I think after that, she just decided it was best to not dwell and seek other opportunities.

If I'm being totally honest here, I think I was caught off-guard with how quickly she found someone who would potentially fill my role. She's really attractive, so I never doubted her ability to have company. But with two kids, I didn't expect anyone ready to take that on crop up. Again, not saying this new guy is, but his situation makes it seem more likely than someone our age who doesn't have kids and still has a lot of open options. They've only been dating for a few weeks, so I probably should stop making myself insane with the prospect that she's already found a potential husband, but alas, here we are.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

Is she open to you being a part of their lives even in a non-BF role? Would you want that?

 

[APK]



Is she open to you being a part of their lives even in a non-BF role? Would you want that?

She is. To her credit, she's never used that for leverage. I think ultimately I would like that, but right now, the situation is a little raw for me to feel at ease. Delusional as it seems now, I don't think I really thought the relationship was totally dead until I found out about this guy. She hasn't done anything wrong, but I do feel hurt/embarrassed, even though I know her decision to see this guy isn't anything personal against me. I can't shake the fear that this will turn into something serious, which wouldn't be the case if he were around our age and not just coming out of a divorce. Again, for all I know this guy just wants some company to soothe the loneliness that must come with ending a long marriage.

I guess, in short, all of this is happening so quickly, especially when I let myself get ahead of, uh, myself in terms of how serious this will get.

 

[APK]



If you don't mind me asking, IF there were no kids involved, would you still feel the same way about the loss of the relationship? In other words, how much of it is your feelings for your ex and how much of it is because of the children?

This is something I had thought about, but I don't think I was really being honest with myself until you asked this. I think the answer is definitely, "No." She's great in a lot of ways, but we're different in some fundamental ways, and she's kind of lacking in some areas that are important to me. And the same goes for me with regards to her. I'm really happy that there's no animosity between us. We both have reasons to be bitter about how things eventually fell apart, but we've been mostly civil about the aftermath.

I visited tonight, and some time with the kids made me feel better than I've felt in weeks. She and I even talked for a while after they went to bed, and I think it gave me some perspective that I was missing by over-analyzing their would-be relationship so much. He actually sounds like a pretty great guy; good dad, well-traveled, handy, takes care of himself, and god damn, his salary is insane. Like, probably more than four times what she makes. I actually got the sense that she finds him almost too smart. She's really intelligent herself, but said she finds herself googling words he uses in texts because she has no idea what they mean. Honestly, given his accomplishments and life to this point, I'd almost say he's out of her league.

Anyway, I might revert to feeling ****** tomorrow, but for now, I finally feel like I'm in a spot where I can move on without severing ties.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

You're not asking yourself the most important question: who dresses bettter? You or him? :foo:

 

[indesertum]

I need advice

My long term girlfriend broke up with me.

Spoiler

The primary reason was that she didn't love me anymore and the biggest reason for that was that she felt like we didn't really have a good connection or share similar interests. It's the same thing that I felt for a few years now, but every time I mentioned it she convinced me that we could make it work. I thought we could make it work and I guess now she doesn't anymore. We called each other every day but most of the time we would just be sitting, doing our own thing and listening to each other do their thing and not really talking. I tended to ignore her or half hear her a lot. She always used to try to trick me to catch not hearing her by throwing in random statements and the like and while it didn't work all the time in the beginning it did. I realized I didn't really find her stories very interesting. We had different kinds of humor. I remember one time we were hanging out with friends. I made a joke and a friend laughed hard while she didn't (as usual) and just rolled her eyes and asked her why she found it funny. The opposite happened too when she made fun conversation with another friend and I wasn't really engaged or laughing. I remember so many times where I had to compromise the things I wanted to do with her wanting to just stay home. We made a trip to Bend and like always I was really interested in going to breweries and eating out, but like always she complained she was tired and just wanted to go back and stay at the motel. Generally we'd have to call it a night at like 9 or 10. I liked watching the latest entertaining movies predominantly action thriller type guy movies and those were always too scary for her to watch and she was tired and suggest we just watch Netflix and we'd end more often than not just simply not watching anything or doing anything. She got really tired from work a lot so it was understandable to me. I made a solid effort at learning Mandarin so I could communicate with her family and friends and she gave a small effort trying to learn the Korean alphabet but it never went anywhere.

I just have this emptiness in my chesticle area. Her family was such a large part of my life for such a long time. I've been to her middle sister's wedding and a cousin's wedding. An uncle gave me money when I graduated. So many dinners and weekends spent with them. I'm not sure how interactions with my college friends will go now because we basically had the same friends. She never got along very well with my dad. Her dad really didn't like me. She's also super sensitive and a random perceived slight would have her go into a temper tantrum. I've always been super patient with her, very rarely got angry with her (could probably count on two maybe one hand the number of times I've gotten angry at her enough to yell) and would try to help her get out of the mood by talking her out of it and more often than not it wouldn't help and I would just give up.

I guess I thought love was supposed to be hard and a chore and it was something you work at. I feel kind of betrayed that she convinced me many times that we could make it work when I had doubts and I couldn't convince her that we could make it work when she had doubts. I also really regret that I saw the problems in advance and didn't try harder to fix them.

I'm so extremely tempted to call her again or text again tonight asking if we can still make it if we work harder at it. On the other hand I am partly relieved that this happened. I feel a little liberated. I also strongly feel that a lack of feeling can't be overcome with effort. She made it pretty clear that she doesn't love me anymore. It just seems so fickle to me. I never imagined love was something that could just disappear.

I feel like half of me is missing. She was my best friend for 5 years. She's been there for me when times were really tough and encouraged me so much. And more than anything I really miss the physical intimacy and odd cute moments we would share.

I'm in shock

What do I do? What do I not do?

 

[ter1413]



I need advice

[COLOR=FF00AA] She made it pretty clear that she doesn't love me anymore.[/COLOR] [/spoiler]


What do I do? What do I not do?

Call a friend or 2 and go out and have a beer and put it behind you. Them are the magic words above! All of the other BS(family weddings, common friends, etc) is just that..BS now.
Move on!

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

 

[otc]

Sorry man, I don't think you can make it work. I don't even think you really want to make it work.

You guys started dating at a very different time in your life. You certainly aren't the first people to come out of college, keep dating for way longer than you should have, only to discover you weren't right for each other's adult lives.

 

[edinatlanta]

Plan a visit to Atlanta and hang with your boy