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what do you do with a mother you can't stand?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by GQgeek, Dec 3, 2006.

  1. GQgeek

    GQgeek Senior member

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    I was about to say that you guys have it quite different compared to how it is here in Asia. I don't know where we got the idea: Confucius, Buddhism, Taoism, Catholicism... but whatever it is, people here are expected to take care of their parents until they pass on.

    My take on that is that I didn't ask them to make me, but once they had me, they had little choice but to raise me. I don't particularly want kids, but if a condom breaks and I luck-out and my girl got pregnant and refused an abortion, I'd raise them properly.

    In the same vein, it was their choice to have a kid. They wanted it and knew what it entailed. Consequently, I don't owe them just for having me. There are things that go above and beyond the simple raising of a child that I do feel that I owe them for, however it's difficult for me to equate a value to them.
     
  2. MrRogers

    MrRogers Senior member

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    Damn thats a rough situation man. She sounds more dysthymic than depressed, the latter being a more longstanding, tolerable depression that can endure for many many years. Mental illness can explain why some people are the way they are but it doesnt make it any easier for the people who love them to deal with them. While some people need to be in "long term" therapy I find that more often than not they're getting nothing accomplished. It never ceases to amaze me when I see a new patient who spent 5-10 yrs with another therapist but is no better off then when they started.

    My advice, if you would like to maintain some relationship with your mother is to have a family session with her and anyone else in the family who would like to attend and get some of this stuff out in the open. You'd be surprised how much better youd feel getting some of this stuff off your chest. If anything a couple sessions with someone experienced could provide you with some particular skills in dealing with her as well as give you some insight into her belief's.

    I don't know how old you or your mother are but this is probably someting youd be better off doing sooner than later. If you like I may be able to make some recommendations on places that specialize in family therapy in major areas. Good luck.

    MrR
     
  3. Matt

    Matt Senior member

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    my mother is awesome. This thread is making me kinda appreciate that at the moment.
     
  4. raley

    raley Senior member

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    My take on that is that I didn't ask them to make me, but once they had me, they had little choice but to raise me. I don't particularly want kids, but if a condom breaks and I luck-out and my girl got pregnant and refused an abortion, I'd raise them properly.

    In the same vein, it was their choice to have a kid. They wanted it and knew what it entailed. Consequently, I don't owe them just for having me. There are things that go above and beyond the simple raising of a child that I do feel that I owe them for, however it's difficult for me to equate a value to them.


    I agree with this view. I find the "they raised you" argument to be sort of silly. Of course they raised you, but think of the alternative - going to jail for child neglect/endangerment.
     
  5. Thomas

    Thomas Senior member

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    my mother is awesome. This thread is making me kinda appreciate that at the moment.
    +1 on that one - my mom, that is. Don't want to insinuate anything about m@T's mom. That said, things turned for the better perhaps a year ago when I got tired of the verbal provocation I received and started flinging it back at her. Instead of leaving, I started standing my ground and things changed all around. I respect and love my parents, but when they start poking, I swing back - hard.
     
  6. Dakota rube

    Dakota rube Senior member

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    There is a big difference between loving (and/or respecting) your mother and enabling destructive behavior. I feel badly (sorry for sounding trite) for GQ, Slim and others here who've had sh*tty relationships with their mothers. My own mother was, in retrospect, truly a saint who put up with a high-functioning alcoholic, bullying spouse, but managed to teach my sister and I the importance of love, respect and gratitude. I miss her terribly.

    I think for one's own mental health, one needs to love mother. But certainly no one should put up with, condone or enable the destructive behavior noted in earlier posts.
     
  7. globetrotter

    globetrotter Senior member

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    hmmmm hard situation, I feel for you, GQ.

    my mom was a pretty great mom. she tried really hard, and it wasn't easy. in her old age, she has gotten to be a pain in the ass, though. she antaganizes pretty much every body. I talk to her almost every day, and when I do, I simple talk a bit, and then I do something else while she tells me her problems and I mumble "oh yes" or "hmmm" every now and again. it has worked well for 10 years.

    if you don't give your mom some emotional support and love before she dies, it will fuck you up for ever. you don't want to be in that position.

    and, as was said before - you owe your parents for ever. such is life, such it up.
     
  8. Dakota rube

    Dakota rube Senior member

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    Ah, my dear friend GT puts my thoughts in words so much better than I am able. This is what I tried to say

    if you don't give your mom some emotional support and love before she dies, it will fuck you up for ever. you don't want to be in that position.

    and, as was said before - you owe your parents for ever. such is life, such it up.
     
  9. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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    I agree with this view. I find the "they raised you" argument to be sort of silly. Of course they raised you, but think of the alternative - going to jail for child neglect/endangerment.


    I could only speak for myself. Yes, there is no choice for parents but to "raise" you. But then again, when me and my siblings were kids, our family wasn't well-off. But still they sacrificed a lot to feed us and send us to very good schools and all that. They never complained nor asked for anything back. They could have scrimped on spending on us and we'll still live, but they always took more than what is needed when it comes to their kids. Of course when you grow and mature, you do not see your folks the same way as you did when you were kids. I think that is where the problem lies. It is hard to realize that your folks weren't the perfect Ozzie & Harriet Nelson we dream our parents to be, and realizing that they're also fucked up like the rest of us, now that's hard.
     
  10. Reggs

    Reggs Senior member

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    You never do in the first place. Having a kid is her responsibility. To think of it as some sort of debt is demeaning to you, her, and your relationship.
     
  11. thinman

    thinman Senior member

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    Firmly but politely set boundaries, practice developing supreme patience and understanding (the issues are primarily hers, not yours), and develop a support network of at least one good friend who will discuss your mother and allow you to vent. Also consider seeing a family counselor. Objective input from a stranger with experience and no agenda or personal stake in the matter can be very helpful.

    My mother was always hypercritical and over the years I intentionally avoided contact for long time periods. A year and a half before she died it became obvious she couldn't continue caring for herself, so I moved her to a retirement home in the city where I live, with considerable trepidation. Since she had raised me and my brothers by herself since I was 9, I considered that I owed it to her to help care for her. I immediately made it clear that I wouldn't take any crap. For example, when she pointedly asked why I hadn't renewed her visa 8 months before the deadline, I told her that I had instead gotten all 12 of her prescriptions refilled, paid her bills, etc. because I thought these things took priority, and I would take care of the visa in good time. To my surprise, I also discovered that mom had mellowed some and I had changed over the years, so I had a rewarding, though emotionally and physically demanding, year and a half getting to know my mom in entirely different ways. It left me with a better understanding of my mom, an improved relationship, and no regrets.

    It seems you face a more difficult situation, but think long-term. You don't want to be used, but you also want to be able to look back with no regrets. Developing a relationship with your mother that you can be comfortable with and maintaining it may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it can be done. Hang in there.
     
  12. GQgeek

    GQgeek Senior member

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    It is hard to realize that your folks weren't the perfect Ozzie & Harriet Nelson we dream our parents to be, and realizing that they're also fucked up like the rest of us, now that's hard.

    Believe me, I've never been under that delusion. I knew how fucked up my parents and their relationship was when I was 12.
     
  13. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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    Believe me, I've never been under that delusion. I knew how fucked up my parents and their relationship was when I was 12.

    My realization came at around my 15th birthday. [​IMG]
     
  14. heavyd

    heavyd Senior member

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    after many years of therapy, and my mother having (and recovering from breast cancer) i am still unable to participate in a relationship with either of my parents. they suck the life out of me. perhaps my father's undiagnosed depression would be a start however they don't do therapy... so i feel your pain. no good answer.

    good luck
     

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