How do I fix my social skills?

[Incman]

Brief info about myself: 18 years old, first year university, good grades, horrible social life, extroverted once i start talking to someone, but I find it completely impossible to go up to someone and start a conversation.

Brief summary of the evening:

Normally I don't leave my house except for school and work, but I've been working on my social life and trying to change that. However, it's been difficult. I saw a page on facebook for a frathouse kegger, and I texted a friend and asked if he wanted to go. He said sure. Now normally I wouldn't go to something like that, but because I was going with a friend I figured it would be alright.

So we go there, and there's something like 200 people crammed into this frathouse, and everyone is essentially in their own groups having a good time. I was intimidated to say the least, but I decided to start the drinks flowing to get a buzz going and see if it would help my shyness. I was semi-drunk, and there were tons of people everywhere, but I still couldn't bring myself to go up to anyone and just talk. I have no problem talking to people even if I just barely know them, but I can't go up to someone out of the blue and start a conversation. I just feel so self conscious in situations like that.

I talked to a couple people (they initiated it) while we were in line for the washroom, but then right after I finished it was right back to the wall to stand with my friend.

I know I'm gonna get a million responses saying "Oh, just go up to people and say hi", but the whole point of this thread is that I find it very hard to do that. It seems like most other people were in groups of their own friends talking and having a good time, and I find it very hard to go up to a group like that and say anything.

I would appreciate any advice you guys have for me, because I want to make the most out of my university career. As much as my actions may seem to the contrary, I don't want to be a wallflower for the rest of my life.

Many thanks in advance.

 

[w.kevin]

It's easier if you know the people from somewhere. There are a lot of clubs, events, etc... eventually you'll meet a lot of people and then you won't have to be the odd man out at the party.

 

[ssnyc]

like anything else...practice.

 

[sho'nuff]

dont go to these types of places to socialize. it is far from ideal for any normal person. lot of these frat parties are just a whole bunch of people already in their groups and they all have their hard time of even getting out of their circles to meet anyone else as well. basically, my point is, if you brought 10 friends, you would have formed your own 'circle' at the party with others wondering how you did it. it is a whole house of people but basically with invisible walls between everyone everywhere.

dont fret about these things. just do your schoolwork, go to work, participate in your extracurricular activities or hobbies or sports and you will naturally develop your cornerstones of sociality from those points. EVERYONE does this. no one is just naturally social

 

[Hombre Secreto]

The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.

I'm sorry, but that is the only way you will end your shyness. Throw yourself to the wolves. Good luck.

 

[Incman]

Originally Posted by sho'nuff

dont go to these types of places to socialize. it is far from ideal for any normal person. lot of these frat parties are just a whole bunch of people already in their groups and they all have their hard time of even getting out of their circles to meet anyone else as well. basically, my point is, if you brought 10 friends, you would have formed your own 'circle' at the party with others wondering how you did it. it is a whole house of people but basically with invisible walls between everyone everywhere.

dont fret about these things. just do your schoolwork, go to work, participate in your extracurricular activities or hobbies or sports and you will naturally develop your cornerstones of sociality from those points. EVERYONE does this. no one is just naturally social

Duly noted, and the first paragraph makes a lot of sense. I guess I shouldn't be expecting to have great conversation at a kegger. But I guess the main point is that I need to address my issues with starting conversations. When I don't know the people at all, I feel like the odd one out, and very self conscious. However, if anyone comes up to me and starts talking, I don't have a problem carrying on a conversation. I just don't get it.

And w.r.t the clubs/extracurricular aspect, I really haven't done anything yet, because, like I said, I feel very awkward around people I don't know. However, I am really trying to break out of my shell, and I'm gonna do my best to join some things at the beginning of the next school year.

 

[Incman]

Originally Posted by Hombre Secreto

The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.

I'm sorry, but that is the only you will end your shyness. Throw yourself to the wolves. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. For me, simply going to this was "throwing myself to the wolves". Normally it would be another evening of sitting alone at home wondering why I can't make friends. But I completely understand what you're saying.

 

[Wrigglez]

alcohol helps lots (to a certain extent) i find it hard to talk to people cold (as in never met them before and havnt been introduced)

 

[sho'nuff]

uh.. let me say this. there is a popular thinking here (im sure by teens) that you just go throw yourself and just start talking to whomever whenever. it just doesnt work like that in the working world. or the community around places you go to clubs, churches, organizations. most men, (not sure of women) has to have a point for conversation. not just to go and socialize for the sake of it. i find alot of men even in the working world, who just come fresh from some 'toastmaster revelation' and start yakking it up with whomever. at first it is cool. and you talk to him, but you find that person quickly bothersome. people see him as just a mindless talker for no apparent reason. you will find in the working world (and that is a great part of your eventual social world , your work, and trust me, things will stem from there as well) that even the quiet guy, the guy who doesnt say much, the one who does his job correctly and contributes to the work , has alot of people go to him. it ends up that way. has been for me all my life at any place of employment.
now, im not saying absolutely quiet guy means he will attract socialness and the talker shuns it, im just saying that the popular thinking of just go throw yourself out there , you got to be careful. because it just doesnt work like that simply. you have to have a purpose, or a goal that others are trying to achieve with you or something you are heading towards

 

[Hombre Secreto]

Alcohol is like using steroids in a social environment. It's better to do it naturally. The last thing you want is having to depend on alcohol just to have normal human interaction.

 

[sho'nuff]

Originally Posted by Hombre Secreto

Alcohol is like using steroids in a social environment. It's better to do it naturally. The last thing you want is having to depend on alcohol just to have normal human interaction.

so happy to see finally another sfer who doesnt give the automatic social advice of 'alcohol'

+1

 

[Hombre Secreto]

Originally Posted by sho'nuff

uh.. let me say this. there is a popular thinking here (im sure by teens) that you just go throw yourself and just start talking to whomever whenever. it just doesnt work like that in the working world. or the community around places you go to clubs, churches, organizations. most men, (not sure of women) has to have a point for conversation. not just to go and socialize for the sake of it. i find alot of men even in the working world, who just come fresh from some 'toastmaster revelation' and start yakking it up with whomever. at first it is cool. and you talk to him, but you find that person quickly bothersome. people see him as just a mindless talker for no apparent reason. you will find in the working world (and that is a great part of your eventual social world , your work, and trust me, things will stem from there as well) that even the quiet guy, the guy who doesnt say much, the one who does his job correctly and contributes to the work , has alot of people go to him. it ends up that way. has been for me all my life at any place of employment.
now, im not saying absolutely quiet guy means he will attract socialness and the talker shuns it, im just saying that the popular thinking of just go throw yourself out there , you got to be careful. because it just doesnt work like that simply. you have to have a purpose, or a goal that others are trying to achieve with you or something you are heading towards

It worked for me. The more I was around social settings the more comfortable, and confident I became.

 

[sho'nuff]

Originally Posted by Hombre Secreto

It worked for me. The more I was around social settings the more comfortable, and confident I became.

read my disclaimer in my last paragraph. i didnt say it won't work for anyone. i just said be careful of this kind of thinking to the op

 

[unjung]

Join an intramural team. This will at least force you to spend some time with people you don't know.

Then start conversations by telling them about a great internet forum about men's fashion you frequent.

Where in Canada are you, by the way?

 

[Incman]

Thanks for the good advice guys. Yea, I'm not trying to just go throw myself on anyone, anywhere and start talking. I just want to be able to go up to someone (say in one of my classes or whatever), introduce myself, and be able to talk to them. But for some reason I find that near impossible in pretty much any situation. The talking part after I've been introduced is fine, but I can't bring myself to just walk up to someone and introduce myself. As I said though, I've been working on it lately, and hopefully it will just "click" sometime in the near future.