nightowl6261a
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Southerner's Rules
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of
the Southerner's mind, the following list will be
handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
(These actually should be the rules in all states.)
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more
work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym
...
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln
Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you
like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks
-- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too.
We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle .
We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish
for. its called bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards
are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You
might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the
time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.
9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over
ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the
sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar
combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in
town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when
it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray
before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church
on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school
football games on Friday nights. We still address our
seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see
friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt
on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a
smoked hog jowl.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at
the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways.
Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe
even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and
sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to
Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get
pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at
the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah,
it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators
--and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these
things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you
over for driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no
matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions.
The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all
four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There
is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
American by Birth...
Southern by the Grace of God.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of
the Southerner's mind, the following list will be
handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
(These actually should be the rules in all states.)
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more
work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym
...
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln
Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you
like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks
-- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too.
We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle .
We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish
for. its called bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards
are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You
might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the
time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.
9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over
ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the
sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar
combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in
town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when
it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray
before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church
on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school
football games on Friday nights. We still address our
seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see
friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt
on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a
smoked hog jowl.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at
the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways.
Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe
even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and
sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to
Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get
pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at
the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah,
it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators
--and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these
things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you
over for driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no
matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions.
The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all
four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There
is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
American by Birth...
Southern by the Grace of God.
