RANT: My girlfriend's brother is spoiled and apes**t crazy. Parents are oblivious.

So my girlfriend lives in a fairly large family. She is the second eldest, and the only girl. Her oldest brother, is a nurse (education paid entirely for by his parents) and makes a 6-figure income after bonuses and such. Her oldest brother lives in his parents' basement in an old semi-dilapidated house which, to get some additional income, is split into a bunch of small bedrooms to host international students throughout the year. My girlfriend lives in a makeshift room in the attic while the parents sleep in a mattress on the floor in a room the size of a large linen closet next door. He drives a riced up Honda Prelude that was bought on a loan from his parents. He has put more money into that car than the car itself is worth. After refusing to pay the car loan, his parents had to re-finance the house to help pay it off. Several months ago he got into a road rage incident, where he took a lead pipe out of his trunk, only to be manually subdued by the other, larger, driver. He is being charged with assault, and has mounting legal fees (which I hope to god his parents aren't going to be paying for). When his parents finally transferred the title of the loan and the car to his name, forcing him to pay it off himself, he threw a tantrum, breaking several glasses, and throwing a dish at the oven, breaking the glass window in the oven door. This while swearing, threatening and cursing at his mother and sister. This is regular behaviour for him. Because he is the 'oldest son,' he gets all the perks in a traditional asian family. Being a girl, my girlfriend gets the **** end of the stick of the family handouts. My girlfriend is in university, with mounting student loans, studying for a double-major in MicroBiology/BioChemistry and Business, hoping to get into med school. Taking 5 classes, and not being able to afford a car, she is unable to take on a part-time job. Her parents help out with a hundred dollars or so every few months, but is barely anything. After the whole dish-throwing incident, my girlfriend talked to her mom to try and convince her to do something about it. Only to be told that SHE should move out instead, "for her own safety" according to her mom. Of course, any financial support from them is absolutely not expected. ******* ridiculous. I've told my girlfriend to ask her friends if she can crash at their places temporarily while she sorts things out, and if not she can live with me and my parents (only problem with that is its a 90 minute commute to school).

The parents are complete morons. It sucks that your gf is in the middle of all this, but I say she should get out while she can. Get her own cheap place, or crash at a friend's while she figures out a few things. She will probably be living better and with a greater peace of mind then living at her own home right now.

good luck. that is a really sucky situation.

This is going to sound callous, but I'd recommend you get out of this relationship ASAP. I feel for you, and I feel awful for the girl, but these parents are not the sort of people you'll want as in-laws.

Originally Posted by sonick

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Because he is the 'oldest son,' he gets all the perks in a traditional asian family. Being a girl, my girlfriend gets the **** end of the stick of the family handouts.

Is this really common?

Just hope your girlfriend doesn't end up like your mother. If this doesn't make your girl push her family out of her life, then you should think if you want to eventually marry into it.

Originally Posted by Douglas

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This is going to sound callous, but I'd recommend you get out of this relationship ASAP. I feel for you, and I feel awful for the girl, but these parents are not the sort of people you'll want as in-laws.

marsupialedly selfish answer. You're sorta stuck with the whole cheptel but you're only marrying the cow.

Originally Posted by Fuuma

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marsupialedly selfish answer. You're sorta stuck with the whole cheptel but you're only marrying the cow.

hey, I'm not sure that I dont agree with Doug - at the ver least, I would be working towards getting the Gf to sever ties with the family. marrying into a family like this will be a nightmare.

Originally Posted by Fuuma

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marsupialedly selfish answer. You're sorta stuck with the whole cheptel but you're only marrying the cow.

Selfish? I dunno about selfish. And I have to disagree with marsupialed.

We're not talking about charitable donations or helping a friend with a move here. We're talking about life, and spending a lifetime with someone. Admittedly, the OP may not be thinking so far ahead, but...

Parents exert a lot of influence in a relationship. More than that, they exert a lot of influence over the development of a young girl. I can promise you that this sort of upbringing has left some kind of a mark... and those marks will show themselves sooner or later. I can't necessarily say how, but they will.

I've learned over a long period of time that people surrounded by dysfunctional relationships are virtually guaranteed to exhibit dysfunction themselves, even if it is not immediately apparent. To think otherwise is naive.

Originally Posted by globetrotter

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hey, I'm not sure that I dont agree with Doug - at the ver least, I would be working towards getting the Gf to sever ties with the family. marrying into a family like this will be a nightmare.

All families have issues, I know yours do too (didn't you post about your wife's mother being batshit crazy). If she takes some distance those issues will affect the OP from time to time but nothing suffocating. BTW if your GF was spanish she'd have already broken one or two plates on your head (I'm not kidding) so cultures also come along with their regular dramas. Having an east-asian family favour the eldest son is on par with the course, having him be an asshole is the problem.

Originally Posted by Douglas

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Selfish? I dunno about selfish. And I have to disagree with marsupialed.

We're not talking about charitable donations or helping a friend with a move here. We're talking about life, and spending a lifetime with someone. Admittedly, the OP may not be thinking so far ahead, but...

Parents exert a lot of influence in a relationship. More than that, they exert a lot of influence over the development of a young girl. I can promise you that this sort of upbringing has left some kind of a mark... and those marks will show themselves sooner or later. I can't necessarily say how, but they will.

I've learned over a long period of time that people surrounded by dysfunctional relationships are virtually guaranteed to exhibit dysfunction themselves, even if it is not immediately apparent. To think otherwise is naive.

Everyone exhibits dysfunctions, I'll take my chances with people if they're fine by themselves and deal with whatever is wrong with the family by not getting too involved.

I cant believe that this dude is making six figures and complaining. Nurses really make some solid bank. I know I would be doing my best to help my family contributing at least 15k/year to whatever they need. From what you wrote I get the impression that he really is a pathetic loser. It just bothers me thinking about this situation.

Originally Posted by Fuuma

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Everyone exhibits dysfunctions, I'll take my chances with people if they're fine by themselves and deal with whatever is wrong with the family by not getting too involved.

Not me.

Originally Posted by Fuuma

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All families have issues, I know yours do too (didn't you post about your wife's mother being batshit crazy). If she takes some distance those issues will affect the OP from time to time but nothing suffocating. BTW if your GF was spanish she'd have already broken one or two plates on your head (I'm not kidding) so cultures also come along with their regular dramas. Having an east-asian family favour the eldest son is on par with the course, having him be an asshole is the problem.

I wouldn't consider culture a safe haven for dysfunction. The brother being an asshole is only part of the problem.

Some women can be raised in dysfunctional homes and know how things should be to live a normal married life, only to turn into their mothers after they become mothers themselves.

Originally Posted by Reggs

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I wouldn't consider culture a safe haven for dysfunction. The brother being an asshole is only part of the problem.
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Agree with this. Anyone who makes 6 figures, lives in the basement and hangs their parents out to dry on the car payments, and has temper issues like this is bad news.

Speaking for myself, I would be looking long and hard at the prospect of having the turd for a brother-in-law.

Thanks for all the responses guys. The plan now is she is calling her friends to see if she can crash the next few weeks during finals, and once the semester is done with she can go back and re-evaluate. I'm not gonna break up with her at this time because of this. Once she can be self-sufficient, I fully expect her to sever ties with her family (mother and older brother at least).

A friend suggested just moving back and ignoring everything, pretend she's just a tenant living there, until she is done with school and can find some income.

Damn baggage.