Refusing gifts

[philosophe]

Excellent plan for a very tricky situation. Good luck!

 

[Margaret]

Well, that strategy's fine for the jewelry. But what about the next hobby?

Originally Posted by Fabienne

Fabienne, I am well aware that I'm wading into dangerous waters. I am asking for no commitment on your part. If you were to take something that I'd designed and fabricated just for you, and threw it into a box, never to wear it, it wouldn't matter to me. What would matter to me is that your fingers might occasionally run past it on the way to a more attractive piece, and you'd think kind thoughts, if only fleetingly, of the person that cared enough about you to create it. I ask only that in return.


Maybe this just sounds weirder on the page than it did in reality, but I do see Dakota Rube's point. But whether his interest in you is inappropriate or innocent, at the very least, he seems willfully committed to indulge his own emotional needs, even though he's well aware that his persistence in these matters makes you somewhat uncomfortable. Sounds like he needs a frank, unvarnished talking-to once and for all.

 

[LA Guy]

Originally Posted by Fabienne

Fabienne, I am well aware that I'm wading into dangerous waters. I am asking for no commitment on your part.

I agree with Margaret. This sounds like something your husband might have cause to get a little upset about. My blind read on this is that your friend is romantic and narcissistic, a dangerous combination.

 

[JBZ]

I hate to pile on, but I agree with DR, Margaret and LA. We obviously don't know your or your husband's relationship to this person. Perhaps he's just an "eccentric artistic type". However, if my wife received a written message from another man containing similar wording to what you received, I would be a bit concerned/annoyed bordering on angry.

 

[Earthmover]

Um. yes. I understand why Fabienne doesn't want to think too much of this, but this dude has some potential for Krazy with a capital K.

[Monty Python]

Run away! Run away!

[/Monty Python]

 

[Spencer Young]

I'm not sure if the husband excuse is the best. If he knows the husband, then I feel like you could make it somewhat awkward between the two of them if you use that excuse. It could also be taken as implictly saying that he's trying to impede on your husband's 'turf', as if he's coming onto you.

We know that your two aesthetics are very different, but if you gave him sufficient guidance on what you'd like perhaps he could make something that is agreable? It sounds like taking his hobbies in stride and mild interest might be the best way out of this situation.

 

[Fabienne]

Became increasingly annoyed at his persistence and dropped this into his email tonight:

I understand your intentions, but you have to hear what I am saying. I would think there are people out there, such as your friend Kris, who can use and appreciate a piece of jewelry more than I would right now. [insert husband's first name] has been more than generous in that regards. As for me, as previously mentioned, if I feel I can use something to complete my jewelry collection, I would commission you and we could work on a design together, that would be more interesting to me. I think this would be a much more effective use of your time and talent.



He's harmless, but thank you for your concern. My husband is well aware of his prose. Margaret's question about the next hobby is exactly the reason why I started this thread. I have had a frank conversation with him before, twice. He has other endearing qualities, but it seems to take him a long time to actually realize I do not always fit the mold he has in mind.

 

[globetrotter]

Originally Posted by Fabienne

but it seems to take him a long time to actually realize I do not always fit the mold he has in mind.


sorry, but nobody should be thinking of molding you but your parents, your boss, a mentor you have chosen and your husband, and frankly, most of those shouldn't be thinking of molding you, either.

 

[Fabienne]

Globetrotter: Bad choice of words on my part, perhaps. I meant that he has certain ideas of what women are like, for example, and it has taken me a long time to break his assumptions towards me.

Stach: Dreadful, no. We simply don't have the same sense of aesthetics. He showed me rings he made for his mother and for his wife, and they're nice, but they wouldn't be me, and I'm not sure he would be able to create something to fit my personality. I must add that I am very particular when it comes to jewelry, clothes, etc, hence his allusion to "wading into dangerous waters". He knows how difficult I am to please.

 

[Fabienne]

Failure. One last attempt to sway me, he says, if I refuse, he won't try again.

Either I drop it because, frankly, this is taking too much energy, or I make an example of it, but I'm not even sure it would serve as a lesson.

 

[imageWIS]

This is why I only give gifts top people I know will appreciate the gesture. I know it sounds harsh, but most people tend to appreciate less than I would like (in other words: not at all), thus I simply do not give them gifts.

Jon.

 

[Joffrey]

Why not just graciously accept the ring and not wear it if you dont like it? He already said that was fine with him

 

[Joffrey]

ah ddint know Fabienne was a lady (was thinking Fabian), yeah the "Jewelry reserved for husband" is a good one. Otherwise take the other gifts and dont use them, if he asks why mention how you always tried to politely decline them but he always "flipped out" (figurative).

 

[Fabienne]

Originally Posted by Jodum5

Why not just graciously accept the ring and not wear it if you dont like it? He already said that was fine with him

The problem is not solely the ring. It is numerous gifts, some rather bulky, that are meant to be displayed. It is someone unable to accept that I may not want a ring, a framed portrait of myself, etc.

I decided to stick to my position.

 

[Nantucket Red]

Originally Posted by Fabienne

Failure. One last attempt to sway me, he says, if I refuse, he won't try again.

Either I drop it because, frankly, this is taking too much energy, or I make an example of it, but I'm not even sure it would serve as a lesson.

Are you able to say, "I've been trying to refuse politely but it's taking way too much energy."?

If you can find a diplomatic way to convey to him what you're conveying to us, it might get the message across.