family intervention

[globetrotter]

I don't know if anybody has any experience with this -

my sister is ******* up her life, and has been for a couple of decades. she's 46-47 now, which means that she may be able to turn around, if she tries now. in a couple of years, it will probrably be too late.

here's the thing - she grew up wanting to be in one career, it didn't work out for her (frankly because I don't think that she worked hard enough at it) and then ********** around for a few years, and then got into graduate school in anothe field. the school actually told her that they weren't sure it they should admit her or not, because some of the proffessors were convinced she wouldn't be good at the field, but she persisted and got admited, and then graduated basically at the bottom of her class.

since graduation she has had 4 jobs in 9 years. while she was only actually fired from one, all the rest sort of fell appart on her.

now she has gotten a 1 year extention to her contract at the present job, with the understanding that it won't be renewed, so next year she will be looking for another job.

on top of that - she is probrably 300 pounds overweight - yes, that is right. she pretty much can't walk more than a few steps, and has trouble with her hygine, is falling appart healthwise. she has had this developing since high school, just getting worse and worse.

on top of that - she married a guy who is real sweet, but at 50 he has never had a job, even though he has a few degrees, including a masters.

on top of that - she is full of rage at pretty much everything, including me. she got mad at me over some little thing last year and hasn't spoken to me in 6 months, even though I have left her messages.

on top of that - she and her husband have fantasies about what they can do - he is getting his doctorate from an on line school and hopes to be able to get a job teaching at a university (at age 50 plus), she is thinking that she can get a job in a field that she has no qualifications for, just because she has a masters.

ok, so here's the thing - in a year my sister will be out of work grossly obese and with a bum of a husband. I think that is she started now, she could probrably make herself reasonably acceptable looking in a year. also, I think that if she pushed her husband, he would get a real job. the trouble is she won't push him, and she won't do anything about her wieght. I have tried, over the years, to suggest therapy to her, and to suggest other things that might help her and it has just pissed her off.


anyway, I know that I have almost no chance of success, but I am thinking that it is worth a shot to go see her and try to get her to see that she can turn her life around. otherwise I think that she will really hit a catastrophe in a year.

any thoughts, experiences?

 

[sho'nuff]

at least they have college degrees, masters degrees. i mean that means something, to me, that is something they have in their pocket. at least.

my brother is a PhD from UCLA and has been working as an associate professor for the past 4 years at a small liberal arts college in a small town in Ohio. why? it is virtually impossible for him to find a job in california. there is so much competition and you have to endure tons of politics. and he is one of the few who graduated top of his class and from a decently recognizable university.


you never know. it may seem to you that they are miles and miles away from getting anywhere in life, but progress can be that quick. i dont know if this means anything to you but sometimes all you can do is pray for them. things can change really quickly for them for the better trust me

 

[FidelCashflow]

when I read "intervention" I wasn't expecting this. I'm not sure how you do an intervention for someone ******* up their careers. It's not like you can get them into a 12-step program for that. Even the weight thing, it's tricky. Usually when you see interventions, like the A&E show, they push people to do things using a carrot and a stick method. The carrot is that they bombard the people with love and tell them how much they love them and care for them in emotional letters to get them to let down their defenses. Basically they say "we love you, and without judging what's happened in the past, we want to offer you a chance to start over with our support." The stick is that they tell them "There's nothing we won't do to help you get better, but there is nothing we will do to help you get worse" Usually this is followed by a (serious) promise that they won't support their bad habits anymore (i.e. loaning them money for drugs, bailing them out when they're in trouble, continuing to support them emotionally when they do something dumb.) It alot of cases people who screw their lives up for that long can continue to do it and deflect feelings of guilt/shame because they become manipulative and try to make their problem into other peoples problems by demanding they get bailed out or just blaming it on others. The idea of an intervention is to say "the buck stops here" and mean it. If you don't have any leverage, you really don't have a shot here. The hardest part is convincing everyone involved to give them a bottom line ultimatum that they will actually abide by, not just some silly threat where they'll cave in a week. But even then, for things like weight problems and career problems, a firm talking to won't solve anything, and asking them to pull themselves up by the bootstraps won't solve anything, neither will you by saying "I'll help you." If any of that was possible, it would have happened in the last few decades. You almost need a life coach there to you can say "we brought him/her to help you get your life straightened out"

 

[booze_shoes]

I can only recommend not doing this alone. And I assume an unbiased third-party (somebody with a degree in psychology?) would be essential.

But it sounds like a tough situation, good luck.

 

[rnoldh]

I'm very, very familiar with interventions involving drugs and/or alcohol.

But it sounds like your sister's issues are psychiatric and physical ( the morbid obesity ).

I have a few ideas.

PM me if you want my ph. #

 

[acidboy]

man... good luck with that GT. I admire you for not giving up on your sister.

 

[Nereis]

At this point she is complicit in her own failure of a career and life situation. She is probably completely satisfied with feeling sorry for herself and resents you for your success. If you want to help her, take the hard line and tell her to get her life together before its too late. As for her deadbeat husband... well at 50 his only path is to become a lecturer.

 

[taxgenius]

Originally Posted by Nereis

At this point she is complicit in her own failure of a career and life situation. She is probably completely satisfied with feeling sorry for herself and resents you for your success. If you want to help her, take the hard line and tell her to get her life together before its too late. As for her deadbeat husband... well at 50 his only path is to become a lecturer.

...or President.

 

[Piobaire]

If she if that fat I think her best bet would be launch some sort of ADA suit against her current employer. If that fails, get her a good disability lawyer and she will probably never have to work again.

 

[taxgenius]

Originally Posted by Piobaire

If she if that fat I think her best bet would be launch some sort of ADA suit against her current employer. If that fails, get her a good disability lawyer and she will probably never have to work again.

Reminds me of the Simpsons episiode were Homer became obese so he could stay home on disability leave.

 

[Piobaire]

Originally Posted by taxgenius69

Reminds me of the Simpsons episiode were Homer became obese so he could stay home on disability leave.

If she gets a good ADA claim going, the allowances and job creation possibilities are almost endless.

 

[GQgeek]

People rarely listen globe, even in less extreme cases. If she couldn't be bothered to do anything about her appearance when she was 100lbs overweight, why would she when she was 300? You have decades of inertia working against you. As for the husband situation, i think you know that it's a lost cause. Trying to influence her to get her husband to get a real job, or meddling in any other way in her marriage will probably just make her not talk to you at all. I went through the loser-bf thing with my sister. It's no win situation. Just stay out of the way. She will either figure things out on her own or not, but I doubt she'll listen to you.

On another note, for years I have tried to get my mother to see herself the way others see her and to change her behavior accordingly, with almost no success. I've tried tough love, being nice, being totally blunt and objective with her, and none of it works. Sometimes she nods her head or concedes a point, but she never changes her behavior and she continues to be her worst enemy. She's too set in her ways. This is the problem with many older people. No matter how hard you try, they won't change.

Maybe give it one last shot, and make it clear you're not a safety net anymore unless they both make real changes. The reality is that at 50 they're basically fucked. It's too late for a productive career. It's too late to build a nest egg for retirement. As for you, you have your own concerns. If I recall, you started saving real money fairly late, you have 2 (?) kids, and you probably want the best schools for them when the time comes, etc. You have to put your immediate family first. They're both adults and it sounds like they've messed up their own lives and haven't learned any lessons along the way.

 

[taxgenius]

Originally Posted by GQgeek

Maybe give it one last shot, and make it clear you're not a safety net anymore unless they both make real changes. The reality is that at 50 they're basically fucked. It's too late for a productive career. It's too late to build a nest egg for retirement. As for you, you have your own concerns. If I recall, you started saving real money fairly late, you have 2 (?) kids, and you probably want the best schools for them when the time comes, etc. You have to put your immediate family first. They're both adults and it sounds like they've messed up their own lives and haven't learned any lessons along the way.

Amen!

 

[cross22]

No tangible experience, just a couple of thoughts.

-Encourage her to look into gastric bypass surgery to combat her weight
-You are a good brother, but there is nothing anyone can do or say to change us, unless we want to change, and your sister is no exception.

 

[SkinnyGoomba]

At 46 I think its time to just let her live her life.