Do Parents Do Children a Disservice by Living an Affluent Lifestyle?

[kwilkinson]

This is a conversation my father and I had over dinner the other night.
Here is my situation: My entire life, I've had a lot of things. I never felt spoiled, but after living in the real world and meeting other people, I realize I had a great life. If any of this comes off as bragging about my family, it is sincerely not meant that way. We have a large house, one of the largest in our town, and a house on a lake for summer travel. We buy new cars instead of used. We just got a brand new boat. Growing up, I got more expensive clothes than most of the people in town. We've had vacations, etc. Okay enough of that, it's obvious that we were well off. It's not like I never heard "no" from my parents growing up, but I realize I had a lot more than most children do.

Upon going to college, I found myself unmotivated. I thought things would just fall into my lap, as they'd always seemed to. I'd had success in sports, school, popularity, virtually everything. I was a hometown hero. When I got to college, I got smacked in the face and after 2 years was very unsuccessful. I knew what I wanted in the future, but I guess I never knew what it would really take to get there. Now I'm going back to college and I will be paying 100% on my own, which is a very scary thing. I have afulltime office job where I work ****** off. I enjoy the success I find in promotions, raises, etc. Unlike in school, I now feel like I'm actually contributing to something. In August I'll return to school fulltime.

Flip over to my girlfriend, and also my best friend. Lish (gf) and Zach (best friend) both grew up very poor in our town. They both had small, rundown houses, didn't buy expensive clothes, stayed in town on spring break, etc. Upon going to college, both of them are doing fantastically well. Zach is a junior and has gotten straight A's all in college. Lish is a sophomore and has gotten straight A's also. The three of us are all of equal intelligence.

My father thinks that he may have done me a disservice by living an affluent life. He feels like b/c Zach and Lish saw their parents struggle to make ends meet every payday, they got the motivation to never want to live like that again. He thinks that b/c my family always had money and in my eyes we seemed to come by it relatively easily, I got the idea that somehow you didn't have to work for it.

Now, I'm not spoiled by any means and I do have a very hard work ethic. I'm an intelligent person who has a lot of potential, so why haven't I reached it? I don't feel like my parents did me a disservice by living an affluent life. I feel like all the blame is on me.


What do you think? Not necessarily about my situation in particular, but in general. I recognize that in my situation the blame is entirely on me, but in general how do you feel about this?

 

[Connemara]

Originally Posted by kwilkinson

I'm an intelligent person who has a lot of potential, so why haven't I reached it?
Well, I don't see any pigs flying yet...

 

[kwilkinson]

Originally Posted by Connemara

Well, I don't see any pigs flying yet...

Conne, I was actually hoping you'd chime in with something, being as that your family is even more well-off than mine. What do you think?

 

[Brian278]

I grew up and live in a very affluent area, I've seen children of very rich people go to very good schools, some Ivy League, graduate with honors and get great jobs out of college and generally have their **** together (most of my friends are smart kids), and I've seen children of very rich people bounce around dead end jobs and be in and out of rehab. And I've seen the same variety of outcomes in children of the less well off.

I'm pretty convinced that how rich your parents are is not the main factor in your work ethic or success level. Obviously, how your parents present that wealth to you is important, but I think some people will go overboard (scroll down for that shortly) with the need to "build character" in young people. There are other ways to teach kids how to set higher goals and achieve those goals rather than through artificial poverty. For instance, I have pretty expensive taste in everything, a lot of this is as a result of being exposed to some of the finer things in life, and that motivates me to make a lot of money. I have plenty of friends that had very nice things, new cars, nice clothes, vacations, etc. when they were in high school and they've succeeded every step of their lives. Some of them had to work for these things when they were younger, some didn't.

In fact, I would bet that being born into an upper middle-class or above family does, in fact, correlate positively with success in life, academic and otherwise, which would be the opposite of what K-Wilk is postulating.

 

[kwilkinson]

Originally Posted by Brian278

In fact, I would bet that being born into an affluent family does, in fact, correlate positively with success in life, academic and otherwise, which would be the opposite of what K-Wilk is postulating.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think my parents did me wrong whatsoever. They did a great job raising me and any success or failures I experience I feel are completely on me, not on them. I just know my dad has struggled with this idea before. Personally, I find it inspiring to see how hard they work and that they get to see the fruits of their labor.


God knows I'm gonna need some inspiration going to private school on my own wallet.

 

[Arethusa]

Originally Posted by Brian278

In fact, I would bet that being born into an upper middle-class or above family does, in fact, correlate positively with success in life, academic and otherwise
This seems so obvious as to border on tautology.

 

[ccc123]

I grew up in Ct where houses have names not numbers and my parents put the world at my feet - the best of everything, but along with it came a respect for your fellow man wherever they may be on life's ladder, it can all be taken away. health is wealth. while growing up it was private schools, exotic trips, never asked for anything, due to the fact that it was already present. lucky, blessed, all of the above, My Dad, told me some very basic things like, "your going to have to make it on your own", and "kindness, generosity family and friends were true fortune". Money, affluence, power, influence, are tools, if you know how to use them without stripping others bare, and truly add something to this world, than it starts to come around. i have made my own way in the world, and while not as successful as my family, i have a wonderful life, a rewarding career, fantastic friends, and monetary "success" god that last part sounds well like **** and I'm almost sorry i said it , but in the context of your question, all you really have in this world is your brain, your heart, your back and your hands, if I had to go out and start all over to put all the pieces of "success" in place, I'd be up with the sun,first thing in the morning. If you measure yourself against others there will always be someone with more this or that? - the real measure is to be content with what you have, if for some reason its not enough, than don't make it something to be defined make it a personal goal to achieve - you'll get there! it sounds simple but its more about deeds not words! - be good to those you love, work hard for what you need and want, you'll get there, whats the alternative?? - thinking about why its not so? - keep going you'll get there!

No I don't believe my parents did me a disservice as they made clear there success was theres and mine was up to me! the family trust is set up to only kick in when you have achieved a certain level of your own benchmarks with out family assistance, I'm 40 and still working on it- funny but I really don't need it from them - see how that works!!

 

[Connemara]

It's all the welfare state's fault.

On a more serious note, yeah, at about age 10 my dad became a higher up in Wells Fargo and we started doing pretty well. We moved from Long Island to the much nicer Albany/Saratoga suburbs and have been here ever since. He left WFC shortly after and opened his own business and has since opened another 2 or 3. As someone working with mortgages, this isn't exactly a bumper year (to say the least) but he's still doing pretty well.

I've grown up with multiple homes, vacations, lots of Christmas presents, cars given to me, etc. As a young child my parents struggled to pay the rent and put food on the table, but I don't remember those days. I don't think it's had a detrimental effect on my work ethic. I have good grades and I'm soon starting a job as a busboy, which I hope to work hard at and which I hope will shut my parents up about "You haven't had a job since 2006."

This will sound naive but since age 9 or 10 I've lived in an affluent town (median family income is about $125K) and didn't know any "poor" people. College sort of opened my eyes to this and I realized how lucky I've been.

 

[Brian278]

Originally Posted by kwilkinson

Don't get me wrong, I don't think my parents did me wrong whatsoever. They did a great job raising me and any success or failures I experience I feel are completely on me, not on them. I just know my dad has struggled with this idea before. Personally, I find it inspiring to see how hard they work and that they get to see the fruits of their labor. God knows I'm gonna need some inspiration going to private school on my own wallet.
I believe my dad has struggled with the same thing. But, I had a full scholarship for my undergrad, have a Master's degree (which he graciously footed the bill for), and what I consider a very good job out of college that I think I am good at it, so I think he's wrong. It may, however, have made me pickier about the job I thought I should have, but I have that job now, so I don't see how that's an issue. His generosity has left me (and my sister, who has a better work ethic than I do) without any student loans or car payments out of college giving us a pretty serious financial head start over a lot of recent grads, and I don't think I'm any the worse for it in terms of my career prospects.

Originally Posted by Arethusa

This seems so obvious as to border on tautology.
Fair enough in the way that I phrased it, but the OP was in fact presenting the opposite hypothesis.

 

[Willsw]

I believe Socal once regaled us with an anecdote in which he was complimented for having a greater work ethic than a single mother with three kids of lower financial standing. In the end, I believe it lies more in any person's own drive to do anything - this can be encouraged rich or poor, as well as discouraged.

 

[Ataturk]

Coming from a place that's miserably poor, and knowing a lot of people who never knew or wanted anything better, I would say that, no, your parents did not do you wrong.

Blame yourself.

 

[Arethusa]

Originally Posted by Brian278

Fair enough in the way that I phrased it, but the OP was in fact presenting the opposite hypothesis.
It was not meant as criticism directed at you. kwilk's point is not precisely the opposite, to fair, but it is an extraordinarily myopic celebration of poverty that is a luxury of his class.

 

[Connemara]

Also keep in mind that this happens both ways. My uncle is a great example. He was raised in a comfortable home (I wouldn't say affluent, but he certainly never went hungry) and had every opportunity in the world. He turned to booze and drugs in his late teens and basically became a bum until he was 30 or so. I remember being a kid and my grandparents joking about how the firehouse whistle (which went of at noon) was his alarm clock. Well, they were serious. He got up at noon every day, went on week-long benders, etc. The definition of a bum. In his 30's, he got like 3 DWI's and was tossed in jail for a year. Went to rehab, got an OK job, etc. We thought he'd do well. My grandparents hired him because they believed he'd change. But he ended up stealing cash out of the register in my grandpa's bar to fund his cocaine habit. I think he's almost 40 now, and my grandparents are finally kicking him out of the other home they own, which is a long time coming considering my uncle and his deadbeat wife almost never pay the rent. He is the example of a guy who has had dozens of chances to get ahead in life but just didn't follow through.

 

[kwilkinson]

Originally Posted by Ataturk

Coming from a place that's miserably poor, and knowing a lot of people who never knew or wanted anything better, I would say that, no, your parents did not do you wrong.

Blame yourself.

Yeah, b/c I didn't say this exact same thing like 4 times in this thread already.

anyway, everyone who actually contributed something thoughtful, which was almost everyone, thanks very much.

 

[Stazy]

This question has been the source of much debate between my mom and dad. She says yes, he says no.

My dad grew up in a house that had a dirt floor and no running water. My mom's family was slightly better off. They have had to earn everything they have. My dad has no reservations giving me and my siblings nice things whereas my mom feels we should have to work more for what we get.

At any rate, my parents have agreed to continue to be generous as long as we don't spend their money on "harmful substances" and that we, as individuals, build futures for ourselves. They don't want us depending on them.

So far this has worked out pretty well. I'm doing well in school and have a good summer job and in return my parents have been more than generous in providing an "affluent" lifestyle for me.