21st century women can be difficult

Originally Posted by HgaleK

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I don't have any plans to get married, but you have to be painfully dense not to get it.

Wow, way to convince me there. Perhaps if you are unable to give any reasons to marry, and you are actually not planning on entering into it, you should examine whether it is really such a noble institution?

Originally Posted by BlackShoes

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Wow, way to convince me there. Perhaps if you are unable to give any reasons to marry, and you are actually not planning on entering into it, you should examine whether it is really such a noble institution?
You don't see the allure of having a life partner? You find someone who you care about deeply, brings you incredible happiness, challenges you as a person, is there for you in the good and the bad, and the above is reciprocated, and marriage doesn't sound like a bad option. It also works if you want kids. I haven't seen a lot of marriages that I'm envious of, but that's people failing rather than the institution itself.

Originally Posted by Pennglock

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Stories like the Op's scare me more than the thought of any terrorist or boogerman.

Originally Posted by Connemara

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+1
+2

Originally Posted by HgaleK

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You don't see the allure of having a life partner? You find someone who you care about deeply, brings you incredible happiness, challenges you as a person, is there for you in the good and the bad, and the above is reciprocated, and marriage doesn't sound like a bad option. It also works if you want kids. I haven't seen a lot of marriages that I'm envious of, but that's people failing rather than the institution itself.
This sounds lovely but seems rare. I walked into my house after being away on business for 2 weeks to find my partner, furniture, dog, and car gone...without explanation...no conversation etc. People can be really sick. Loving someone and trying and all of that doesn't equal a long lasting relationship. Sometimes things just don't work. Actually, most times things don't work out.

Originally Posted by CouttsClient

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This sounds lovely but seems rare. I walked into my house after being away on business for 2 weeks to find my partner, furniture, dog, and car gone...without explanation...no conversation etc. People can be really sick. Loving someone and trying and all of that doesn't equal a long lasting relationship. Sometimes things just don't work. Actually, most times things don't work out.

Originally Posted by CouttsClient

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This sounds lovely but seems rare. I walked into my house after being away on business for 2 weeks to find my partner, furniture, dog, and car gone...without explanation...no conversation etc. People can be really sick. Loving someone and trying and all of that doesn't equal a long lasting relationship. Sometimes things just don't work. Actually, most times things don't work out.
I think I remember reading about that in another thread. I'm incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I feel similarly that most times things don't work out, and I think that too many people rush in to marriage, but it's once again human failure, not a failure of the institution.

Originally Posted by HgaleK

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I think I remember reading about that in another thread. I'm incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I feel similarly that most times things don't work out, and I think that too many people rush in to marriage, but it's once again human failure, not a failure of the institution.
Thanks...No worries about me. I've bounced back, thankfully Though I have sworn off romantic relationships for life. Can't really bring myself to go down that road again At what point does the institution of marriage get labeled as a bad idea? It just may not work for this time in the human experience. What do I know really...If people want to do it and they believe they are prepared then I'm happy to show up to the wedding with a gift and ready to celebrate

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Originally Posted by Mr. White

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Congratulations Sir Dad! Best wishes for your family! Now, to your issues. The first six months are hard, with the kid waking up over and over. It gets easier. You seriously need to crack open a beer on the way home, or do happy hour, as a temporary stop-gap until you can implement one of my three suggestions. Ready? My first suggestion comes right out of the movie The Man In The Gray Flannel Suit. Cut back to 40-hour weeks until your children are all in primary school. That'll give you more family time. It's really a great movie. Perhaps you could watch it with your wife on a Saturday night? My second suggestion is to invite for a long, long stay her mother or aunt, your mother or aunt, your sister, her sister's family (absolutely must include her sister's husband or no way dude), a brother's family, or some combination thereof. My third suggestion is to hire a cook/housekeeper. This is not a moral judgment but a practical solution. Four to six hours a day before you come home might be the only way to really get what you want. Sadly, the title of your post hit the nail on the head. The nuclear family is a sorry, false condition. All the cries for "Divorce!" "Divorce!" and "Have no kids!" prove my point. Throughout all the rest of human history, children were raised by extended families or larger community groups. It's just too hard on a husband and wife to have to make a living and raise a family completely by themselves. Again, not a moral judgment, but you wife is probably bad at manual labor and that's why she hates it. I wouldn't leave the mother of my kid just because of such a minor failing. Mr. G is right about housecleaning. The house only gets sloppier as the kids get older. Just keep the living room picked up to keep up appearances for guests, and it'll be tolerable.
I have to seriously disagree with you here. I grew up in a house of a nuclear family. My parents grew up the same way. My aunts and uncles all live this way as well. I believed it has served us well, and obviously spawns similar relationships amongst families in the future. Nuclear family works if people are committed, honest, and patient, among many other things. There are very few divorces in my family (2 or 3 out of many marriages) I think the bigger problem isn't the nuclear family but the unprepared sorry excuses for humans that engage in them. People who are spoiled, disrespectful, lazy, etc. will have few satisfying relationships. Unfortunately, that accurately describes a large number of people in America, and quite likely the rest of the world.

Originally Posted by HgaleK

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You don't see the allure of having a life partner? You find someone who you care about deeply, brings you incredible happiness, challenges you as a person, is there for you in the good and the bad, and the above is reciprocated, and marriage doesn't sound like a bad option.

Marriage is prerequisite for none of those things.

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As for the OP, I dont think your wife is progessive, but just lazy.


offtopic

Spoken by someone who does want to get married someday.

What i find annoying and allmost offensive is that marriage laws have largely not been altered since the day that women from birth on werent supposed to work outside the house. The law at this point is overly protective of them which is not as nessecary in the situation as it exists today. The end result? Women get a perverse incentive to get divorced/married in the first place, and men will take a much more business like approach to the altar, if they decide to take that route at all.

What I would like to see is that marriage should create a social union for the couple, but to leave the union of assets completely voluntarily and up to the couple themselves. If this would be feasible I dont know, but i do know that something has to be done at this point...

Originally Posted by nootje

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As for the OP, I dont think your wife is progessive, but just lazy.


offtopic

Spoken by someone who does want to get married someday.

What i find annoying and allmost offensive is that marriage laws have largely not been altered since the day that women from birth on werent supposed to work outside the house. The law at this point is overly protective of them which is not as nessecary in the situation as it exists today. The end result? Women get a perverse incentive to get divorced/married in the first place, and men will take a much more business like approach to the altar, if they decide to take that route at all.

What I would like to see is that marriage should create a social union for the couple, but to leave the union of assets completely voluntarily and up to the couple themselves. If this would be feasible I dont know, but i do know that something has to be done at this point...


Like kinda be together but not completely and be like, ready to bail at the first time of trouble as everything is in order? You are against marriage, you just don't know it yet.

O.P.

You need to have a talk with your wife, I have been in your position and there is a temporary pain. It seems we put much more effort into parenting then our parents did, there are so many "experts" in raisng a child that we neglect to do what is natural, we over think things and spend more energy parenting then we do our vocations.

This being your first child your wife probably works as hard as you do, you can take a break from work when you need to, take a lunch on your schedule. Your wife however is held hostage by your child's schedule, this can be a small torture, especially when your child decides that they do not want to nap that day or decide that throwing up their food is more fun then just eating. Parenting's toll is culminative the lost sleep, the lack of control, the lack of touch with the outside world or lack of touch with your former life.

Some pointers.

1) Talk WE not HER if you come up with solutions together she may take stock and help out more.

2) Batch cooking or slow cookers are your friend. Until you get out of the baby stage do what ever is easier to get a hold on dinner. When you cook, cook enough for a couple of days. Learn to use the slowcooker, dump what you want in the morning... dinner is ready when you come home.

3) De-clutter make cleaning easier not harder. designate one room as a play room and confine the mess.

4) Encourage your wife to get the stroller out. The fresh air is a wonder cure as well as all the positive attention a baby brings from the outside world. You have to fight cabin fever.

5) Show some appreciation for what she is doing, she is raising your child. I know you are supporting her. Even if you have to fake it, it works.

6) This took me a while.. Learn to enjoy your kids, I now come home and spend time with my kids as my "Unwind time" it is all about perspective, I turned a chore into the best part of my day.

Mainly, I think that if OP's wife was not accustomed to cleaning/housekeeping before, then it's probably natural for her to expect not to do that now, despite being home. It's not far fetched, if you consider the domestic abilities of people nowadays, many people certainly do not live to housekeep. I don't know how I'd get them to do it, other than by having 'the talk' with her, but it's a pretty big life adjustment if she hasn't really done it before in earnest.
TBH, I have not really met too many 21st century women who really can cook a one or two week repertoire of nutritious food, unless they were really actively (overly?) interested in food, and what it means to clean American houses in the 21st century varies from household to household, and even greatly from ethnicity to ethnicity.