Domestic violence ...help?

[hendrix]

Originally Posted by msza

Normally, that's when you throw in the towel.

Nope, you should have thrown in the towel before you dated her. If she put up with that sort of abuse for a year, she has some serious problems herself. Whether these problems are caused by the ex or are some underlying self esteem issues she has, it still makes it impossible to have a functional relationship until she's sorted herself out. N.B. sorted herself out; you can't "fix her".

How long had they broken up for before you started dating her? to really know that a chick is over that type of relationship you need at least 6 months, probably more. She shouldn't be in contact with him at all. Otherwise it's very possible that she was using you to get back at him.

I'm sorry if this is blunt, but it's true.

 

[upnorth]

Hate to have to break it to you but she's baggage.

Not much you can do about the violence thing, as she still seems very much into that other guy. The fact that she hasn't contacted you is a sign that she doesn't already need your company and has reconciled with the bastard. If you harass her or drop flyers and the guy finds out, you put her and yourself in danger. If you confront the asshole, it will only upset her, because she cares about him more than you. Either way is bad.

If she comes back to you one day expressing her regrets, do not accept her back, lend a sympathetic ear and nothing more. If you want to help, get a female mutual friend to spend some time with her. You need to distance yourself from the image she has in her mind of you as a "paid actor", ready to do her bidding as and when necessary.

Sometimes, the best thing one can do is to change oneself. Make the decision to look for a better girl. This will work out for the best as hard as it sounds now.

 

[jobro]

Might be hard to understand but some girls unfortunately are attracted to abusive, controlling men. These girls are weak and insecure and seek control.

Many fathers of the old school disciplined their children with violence, and many girls look for a partner that resembles their fathers personality.

 

[Matt]

Originally Posted by globetrotter

stay clear
yup. There is a girl here with whom I have had occasional Moments Of Intimacy. She however has a long distance boyfriend and having been through two years like that myself, and understanding all of the challenges that go with it, this is something that I am very respectful of. However this unemployable loser just treats her like complete crap, but every night, she lines up for more of it, just hoping that tonight's the night he tosses her a cookie. I distanced myself. Nothing to do with me. I have my own agenda, and have no interest in playing emotional maxipad, and if she wants a boyfriend who doesn't take her calls instead of one who treats her like a queen, there is nothing I can do to stop that. In the end I think some women just like being treated badly, and just keep walking back into situations that aren't good for them. It kinda makes you lose respect for them, but so be it. There's nothing I can do about her, sooner or later she'll wake up and realise all her friends were right and she's in love with an asshole. Similarly, there's nothing you can do about her. She wants to walk back into his left hook, there's very little you can say or do to stop her, and anything you do say will be met with 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S REALLY LIKE HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?' As such, you're better off just disappearing from view and learning what you can from the experience.

 

[chroMe]

Originally Posted by Wallcloud

Get a baseball bat.
do the hero thing.
Kancho.
Take pics.
Post on SF.

heh heh.

Just let her know that your door is open and pass her the local women's crisis number she may thank you one day.

 

[msza]

Originally Posted by rjmaiorano

A part of me worries I am leaving her to get ruined.

This is the part that is killing me. It's sad that this is so common.

I already have a new girl who is nice, totally sane, and bringing in the dough. Yet, I cant stop thinking about the girl in the OP, five years from now, with a black eye and a kid, sitting on a cot in a domestic violence shelter. It's heart breaking.

Would it be a bad idea to just paperclip some info and chuck it in her mailbox without telling her about it. I mean, I really want to do something, just to clear my conscience. She is living with her parents, so maybe I could just put something about warning signs that they could see. They'd probably think everyone on the block got one, and I think it would bring me a little piece of mind.

 

[Matt]

it's not about you. Get over it. She's someone else's problem...

 

[edmorel]

Originally Posted by Dakota rube

^What you are witnessing is not at all unusual in these situations. Cop friends of mine tell me stories of being called to the same house time after time after time to break up a domestic. Each time the abused one says they are leaving, will never go back yadda yadda.

A month or two later, the same thing happens.

It never ends well. At best someone ends up in the hospital. If you are truly concerned about her safety (and not just hoping for a hero roll in the hay) talk about the situation to someone "official". There is nothing you personally can do about it.

I am close to someone who's husband psychologically and physically abuses her. I got emotionally involved and created my own problems at home and she is still with him. For whatever reason, there are women that cannot detach themselves from these situations, I am sure there are tons of studies done on this but there is really nothing you can do.

 

[msza]

Originally Posted by m@T

it's not about you. Get over it.

That's a good point -- it does seem like my priority is to make myself feel better by trying to help, rather than to actually help. Perhaps I should let her be. Maybe I'll text her and say what's up in a couple months.

I just wish I would have talked to her about this when she was still talking to me. Unfortunately, I actually believed her when she said she wanted to move on, so I bit my tongue. Sad thing is I'm a social worker so I'm VERY familiar with patterns of domestic violence and the long-term implications of abusive relationships, which just makes it harder to forget the whole thing. Ignorance would be bliss right now.
Thanks for all the feedback. Any more is welcome.

 

[thekunk07]

on a side note, how can I get better at domestic violence? I am such a sweetheart to my wife and pull all my punches. halp!

 

[Nil]

If you insist on putting yourself in the middle of this situation, you deserve to end up the victim of a double homicide-suicide. Well, maybe not deserve, but I wouldn't be surprised.

 

[Jumbie]

Until she's ready to leave nothing will get done/change.

As has been pretty much unanimously agreed upon in this thread, there's nothing for you to do.

 

[Jumbie]

Originally Posted by thekunk07

on a side note, how can I get better at domestic violence? I am such a sweetheart to my wife and pull all my punches. halp!

Beat her on the bottoms of her feet so that you don't leave any obvious markings.

 

[West24]

Originally Posted by thekunk07

on a side note, how can I get better at domestic violence? I am such a sweetheart to my wife and pull all my punches. halp!

pretend her head is 5 inches farther back then it is, even when you pull youll hit her hard.

 

[Tck13]

Originally Posted by m@T

it's not about you. Get over it. She's her own problem...

ftfy





And yeah, I'd def move on. If you see her (in person without her abusive boyfriend) tell her that you're concerned for her safety. Maybe notify her friends or parents that you know what's going on (you said that she told you about the abuse - maybe they don't know) and then let go. Hopefully she can get the help she needs when she decides that she has had enough. She has some issues that she needs to work through.