Desperately Need Some Serious Advice; Life is Slipping Away

[HgaleK]

Full disclosure: still a college kid.

Are you sure that your job is what's causing your dissatisfaction with life? I'm making a lot of assumptions, but it looks like you've let yourself stagnate and are fixating on your job because it's the only thing that's really there. Any chance that it's the things that are missing from your life that are leaving you unfulfilled? Obviously a ****** job can drag anyone down, but it may not be your primary issue

How's your social life? Do you have many people in your life that you love, care for, or at least enjoy spending time around? Do you spend time with them regularly? Do you participate in any activities that encourage or force social interaction?

You said you live alone. Do you dislike being home by yourself? Do feel depressed and spend time doing useless, time wasting tasks for extended periods of time when you're at home by yourself?

How's the rest of your environment? Is the city conducive to your happiness? Are the people there conducive to your happiness?

Are you physically active?

You're bored. Ever thought of camping with friends, road trips with friends, taking a CC course in something fun, mountain biking with friends, etc? There are hundreds of relatively cheap things that you can organize in less than half an hour that won't run you much cash.

+1 to GTFO NYC. It's spontaneous (something you need) and will force you be actively involved in making your life what you want it to be.

 

[NorCal]



here's what I'd do - you know how to build **** (at least theoreticlaly) you're single, young and poor. look for a job with an international project company - build buildings on oil wells, or bridges in the middle of africa or **** like that. if you can't get a job like that, look into an NGO and go build **** in haiti or sudan. get a few more years experience and some cool stories under your belt.

Seriously, you have nothing really holding you down, now is the time to bounce and get those random experiences that will help define you as you get older. You'll also get some real practical work experience, build some new skills, get a wider perspective on life and meet some interesting people. There can also be good money if you are willing to go somewhere horrible or dangerous (Iraq, the North Sea, some ****** desert).

Despite the downbeat tone, there is a lot of good news in your situation.

+1
When I was 25 I was basically just partying and hustling and pretty much totally without direction.

I am afraid of making even more mistakes and choosing another wrong path.

Grow a pair and have some faith in yourself. Your student loans can be paid off on an income contingent basis, so if you aren't making good money, so what? You can still meet your obligations.

The idea that your life is slipping away because you don't have a plan is a joke. You have a job, a degree, and don't seem to be destitute. You're also only 25. There are so many different changes coming for you that you can fail, start over, fail again, and still be fine by your mid 30's. Don't worry so much.

Do move away from NYC. If you are not loving it it seems like the last place on earth to be lost in.

Don't put off trying the stupid **** or learning a random skill or taking a risk.

 

[cross22]

You have gotten some good responses already. Stay away from grad school.

 

[Lord-Barrington]

So 25, a stable job and options means your life is "slipping away"? Man, sounds pretty sweet.

 

[Gorpomon]

Hey bro, I'm 26, out of college a few years just like you, so I can empathize.

I say these answers, but with the disclaimer I'm feeling a lot of the same things you are, and I'm nowhere near resolved on them, but let me advise you of some stuff that's made me feel better or I think might work for you.

1. Consolidate those loans if you haven't. The government offers a good deal, I was able to wrap up about many $k of loans into $150/month. Yes repayment will take *most* of my adult life, but a low monthly payment is a big burden off your shoulders, and you can always pay a loan off sooner if you have the cash on hand.

2. Sounds like a few things you want to do offer loan deferment while your'e doing it. I'm pretty sure the Peace Corps lets you suspend loans while you're serving.

3. If loans are really getting you down, cool it on the clothes and pay off a few $k, I say this assuming you might spend a lot on clothes (you're here after all). Do the math and see if this makes sense for you. I also realize I say this not knowing what your debt load is, 5K off of 80k won't make you feel better, but 5k of 20k surely will, and it probably can be done in about 6-8 months if you really stick with a budget.

4. Volunteer for sure, but it won't ultimately solve this problem for you, it will just give you some perspective. I taught adult literacy for two years, I met many cool people, and helped people much less fortunate than me. I got a lot of perspective on what a problem is, and what is really grounds for depression, ultimately though, you just gotta figure out where to take your life, volunteering can only just help you along that path.

5. Take up a physical activity that is not going to the gym. Rock climb, run (outside on trails, no treadmill), that stuff really helps man, also girls seem to think its cool when you rock climb.

Finally, you can help me out a bit.

I decided I want to enter the design field in some way (currently an engineer), and I'm applying for masters in architecture degrees. I known its quite rough out there for architects, but what's your take, would you say me pursuing an M. Arch is a total disaster in this economy? I'm hoping to get into a good school (a top 10 Design Intelligence ranked one), do you see that making a difference in the job market? I know its hard going right now, but ultimately I think that will make me happy, so I'm going to risk it. Maybe most important, have any of your architecture friends from college found relative success in the field (a decent job with a decent firm)?

-Ron

 

[wj4]

To the OP, a lot of us go through this stage. I'm 25, will be 26 in less than a month...and I was feeling the same way as you.

I felt like I was stuck at a job where I couldn't progress on with my career. I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be. I basically was seeing the glass as half empty.


Try to look at the bright side, bro. Like Eason and others stated, if you can..travel to other parts of the world. For the fact that you're from USA, they will already love you for that!

 

[Fuuma]



To the OP, a lot of us go through this stage. I'm 25, will be 26 in less than a month...and I was feeling the same way as you.
I felt like I was stuck at a job where I couldn't progress on with my career. I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be. I basically was seeing the glass as half empty.
Try to look at the bright side, bro. Like Eason and others stated, if you can..travel to other parts of the world. For the fact that you're from USA, they will already love you for that!

 

[VelvetGreen]

Think about how many millions of people would cut off a limb to have the kind of life you have led up to this point, and think how many people in human history never had the time or opportunity to have a choice of what they wanted to do.

How big do your problems appear now?

Make a decision to change on the advice you have received, and act upon it now. Good luck.

 

[Journeyman]



Think about how many millions of people would cut off a limb to have the kind of life you have led up to this point, and think how many people in human history never had the time or opportunity to have a choice of what they wanted to do.
How big do your problems appear now?
Make a decision to change on the advice you have received, and act upon it now. Good luck.

+1.

It's interesting to reflect upon the fact that, up until WWII and perhaps even after that, the vast majority of people, even in wealthier countries, did not travel much and did not think too much about life beyond simple things - a normal job, getting married, raising a family. Most people had little choice in life - few people went to university and there was far less social mobility than nowadays.

It seems that the ability to live out our dreams - to go to university, get a good degree, travel overseas, seek out a high-paying, intellectually-rewarding job and so on - has actually resulted in less satisfaction and more depression in some cases. Back in the time of (say) our grandparents, there was no point in being depressed about not being (say) a wealthy merchant banker who had enjoyed postings in NY, London, Tokyo and other cities, because that simply was not a possibility to 99.9% of people.

Now, many people like to think that such a career - or something else exotic, exciting and high-paying - is within their reach and so their failure to achieve that goal, or to achieve it in a particular time-frame, plays on their mind and depresses them.

 

[Pinhas]



How's your social life? Do you have many people in your life that you love, care for, or at least enjoy spending time around? Do you spend time with them regularly? Do you participate in any activities that encourage or force social interaction?

My social life is fine. I go out often and have a decent circle of close friends. I do not have MANY people in my life that I love, mainly due to the fact that my close family is far away, and I don’t have (or want) and girlfriend. I do have a number of girls I “see” and one or two FWB. This is actually an aspect of my life that has been steadily improving.

You said you live alone. Do you dislike being home by yourself? Do feel depressed and spend time doing useless, time wasting tasks for extended periods of time when you're at home by yourself? How's the rest of your environment? Is the city conducive to your happiness? Are the people there conducive to your happiness?

I like living alone, and soon I will probably have my best friend move in with me. I do have times when I do nothing (does watching The Wire count as nothing?) but I enjoy my solitude and at times I feel I need to spend some time alone as it recharges me.

Are you physically active?

I play soccer and ride a bike. I am about to join a Krav Maga course and take some dancing classes (gotta love LivingSocial). I recently neglected the gym but I am about to go back as my new apt has one down the block. I actually love living in NYC and I love the city, but I do agree that trying out different places is very important.

You're bored. Ever thought of camping with friends, road trips with friends, taking a CC course in something fun, mountain biking with friends, etc? There are hundreds of relatively cheap things that you can organize in less than half an hour that won't run you much cash.

A cross country road trip is one of my biggest goals, and I was supposed to do one 2 years ago but it fell through. I actually just learned my friend is planning one for the summer so I might join.

All your points are valid, and indeed these are the things that keep me sane and make me wake up in the morning.

So 25, a stable job and options means your life is "slipping away"? Man, sounds pretty sweet.

Think about how many millions of people would cut off a limb to have the kind of life you have led up to this point, and think how many people in human history never had the time or opportunity to have a choice of what they wanted to do.
How big do your problems appear now?

I completely agree with this and realize that there are plenty out there that would kill for “what I have”, and by no means I am complaining. Still, this should not deter me from wanting the best for myself. I know things can be worse, but they can also be better.

a normal job, getting married, raising a family. Most people had little choice in life - few people went to university and there was far less social mobility than nowadays.
It seems that the ability to live out our dreams - to go to university, get a good degree, travel overseas, seek out a high-paying, intellectually-rewarding job and so on - has actually resulted in less satisfaction and more depression in some cases. Back in the time of (say) our grandparents, there was no point in being depressed about not being (say) a wealthy merchant banker who had enjoyed postings in NY, London, Tokyo and other cities, because that simply was not a possibility to 99.9% of people.
Now, many people like to think that such a career - or something else exotic, exciting and high-paying - is within their reach and so their failure to achieve that goal, or to achieve it in a particular time-frame, plays on their mind and depresses them.

This is exactly why I can't talk about this to my family; my father only cares about me making money, and my mother thinks that life is college>job>marriage>DONE.

They don’t understand the concept of travel, gathering experiences, self introspection and the idea that there is more to life than just money, kids and family. They would never understand me leaving my job and cozy NYC to live in a desert or the jungle, perusing my own interests and dreams. That is another thing that is holding me back; I know it is my life, and I should not follow anyone else’s path, but it is on my mind and it is something I need to work through.

 

[Pinhas]



Hey bro, I'm 26, out of college a few years just like you, so I can empathize.

I say these answers, but with the disclaimer I'm feeling a lot of the same things you are, and I'm nowhere near resolved on them, but let me advise you of some stuff that's made me feel better or I think might work for you.

1. Consolidate those loans if you haven't. The government offers a good deal, I was able to wrap up about many $k of loans into $150/month. Yes repayment will take *most* of my adult life, but a low monthly payment is a big burden off your shoulders, and you can always pay a loan off sooner if you have the cash on hand.

2. Sounds like a few things you want to do offer loan deferment while your'e doing it. I'm pretty sure the Peace Corps lets you suspend loans while you're serving.

3. If loans are really getting you down, cool it on the clothes and pay off a few $k, I say this assuming you might spend a lot on clothes (you're here after all). Do the math and see if this makes sense for you. I also realize I say this not knowing what your debt load is, 5K off of 80k won't make you feel better, but 5k of 20k surely will, and it probably can be done in about 6-8 months if you really stick with a budget.

4. Volunteer for sure, but it won't ultimately solve this problem for you, it will just give you some perspective. I taught adult literacy for two years, I met many cool people, and helped people much less fortunate than me. I got a lot of perspective on what a problem is, and what is really grounds for depression, ultimately though, you just gotta figure out where to take your life, volunteering can only just help you along that path.

5. Take up a physical activity that is not going to the gym. Rock climb, run (outside on trails, no treadmill), that stuff really helps man, also girls seem to think its cool when you rock climb.

Finally, you can help me out a bit.

I decided I want to enter the design field in some way (currently an engineer), and I'm applying for masters in architecture degrees. I known its quite rough out there for architects, but what's your take, would you say me pursuing an M. Arch is a total disaster in this economy? I'm hoping to get into a good school (a top 10 Design Intelligence ranked one), do you see that making a difference in the job market? I know its hard going right now, but ultimately I think that will make me happy, so I'm going to risk it. Maybe most important, have any of your architecture friends from college found relative success in the field (a decent job with a decent firm)?

-Ron

Only do it if you truly believe you want to practice Arch, and if you have a talent for it. I’ve met too many incompetent architects who make me wonder how they found their way into the office. Architecture is an amazing field, but the hours are insane and the compensation is measly. It is one of those fields that require you to LOVE your profession and be ready to eat A LOT of dirt. If you feel it is you, then do it, As for jobs, I would say that half of my graduating class found jobs in Arch or a related field. Some work for SOM (and other huge factory firms), some work for small firms and some do surveying, engineering or facilities planning, etc.

 

[otc]



here's what I'd do - you know how to build **** (at least theoreticlaly) you're single, young and poor. look for a job with an international project company - build buildings on oil wells, or bridges in the middle of africa or **** like that.

I actually was looking at things such as Peace Corp, Architects Without Borders and even the NYC teaching fellowship, but with most I stop at the questions: "who will take care of your student loans?"

Pretty sure that building oil rigs in the middle of nowhere for an international project company will take care of the loan bills.

It might make it difficult to try on the latest fashions and see the latest broadway shows, but paying down the loans should be easy.

 

[Lord-Barrington]



+1.
It's interesting to reflect upon the fact that, up until WWII and perhaps even after that, the vast majority of people, even in wealthier countries, did not travel much and did not think too much about life beyond simple things - a normal job, getting married, raising a family. Most people had little choice in life - few people went to university and there was far less social mobility than nowadays.
It seems that the ability to live out our dreams - to go to university, get a good degree, travel overseas, seek out a high-paying, intellectually-rewarding job and so on - has actually resulted in less satisfaction and more depression in some cases. Back in the time of (say) our grandparents, there was no point in being depressed about not being (say) a wealthy merchant banker who had enjoyed postings in NY, London, Tokyo and other cities, because that simply was not a possibility to 99.9% of people.
Now, many people like to think that such a career - or something else exotic, exciting and high-paying - is within their reach and so their failure to achieve that goal, or to achieve it in a particular time-frame, plays on their mind and depresses them.

That life still isn't possible for well over 99.9% of the population.

Although I agree with you that there exist greater possibilities in terms of career and leisure than there did 50 or 60 years ago, I think more and more young people today have a really poor vision of what reality is for most people and think that a high paying, rewarding job that jets you throughout the globe is the norm and not the exception. The reality for the vast majority of people, even those with a university education, is that they will live a middle class life with little mobility once they have kids. And there's nothing depressing about that, mind you. It can be very fulfilling if you approach it the right way. But this idea that everyone's career is lucrative and exotic is simply untrue.

 

[Lord-Barrington]

I'd also like to add that although I support young people exploring different cultures, traveling, and generally finding themselves, they need to know when to draw the line. Most careers look unfavorably on someone who spent his/her twenties "self-actualizing" rather than actually working. So there's certainly a choice to be made. You can go teach english in Japan and build houses in Kenya during your twenties, but don't be surprised when you get come back Stateside and have a tough time finding gainful employment.

This may sound rather rough, but it's absolutely the truth.

 

[Jr Mouse]



You have gotten some good responses already. Stay away from grad school.

I find it amazing how grad school is the one thing I always hear those around me push as the "next logical step."