Bokeh
Active Member
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2010
- Messages
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/enter the mind of bokeh
for the next few minutes you will enter my mind
sorry for the coming rant, but I am in the process of rebuilding myself, and I am working on my mental state, while spending the next few months researching a personal style for myself.
I think everything makes style; from the clothing a person wears, to the way they think and act.
my current project is catching my actions/inactions and trying to pinpoint the trigger. today I have pinpointed what I think is guilt. soo much guilt to the point of debilitating me and making me withdraw into a "comfort zone".
I was previously in a slump of depression+anxiety for about 6 years. But, lately I've been trying to redevelop myself. I finally see the bright side of the tunnel, but there is still work to be done.
Im having a tough time when it comes to guilt. and I seem to be ok with it for a short time, then the guilt bubble bursts and I start to rehash everything I have guilt from. I guess even when I think things are going pretty good, I thihk to myself, ok I made a mistake, forget about it and move on. but really I probably just ignore it, and file it away as a todo in my brain. because later on, all of the different occasions of filed away guilt resurfaces, and hits me with the hammer of debilitation.
This guilt dump gets to the point where it makes me withdraw to counter productive actions (ex: eating, watching tv, surfing the net, etc.), then after that I feel guilty about that also. But, the temporary releif from the emotional distress makes those counter productive actions tempting and easy to use as an escape once the pressure gets on me again.
heres a current example of what happened today that made me question myself and write this post:
I've been working for a family member cleaning+fixing up a large home. Ive been workin on the painting for the last month and only have about 1/4 of it done. Now, I know I am working harder than any other non-professional would be doing at this same project. but I have never done this type of project before so I am learning as I go. nor do I have the equipment a professional would have (ex: paint sprayer, etc.).
I will admit, I have been putting in about 75% effort as far as hours invested into the project per day, but I was told from the start to also enjoy my time here while working. so I have been.. when Im working im 110%, then I take it easy for a while; thinking: " I do in 4 hours what someone else would do in 8hours, so I will bust my butt for 4 hours then relax for 8 ending up with the same result as someone else."
Well, last night I went out to the bar. it was fun and I havent done that in about a year. Yes, I felt socially awkward (another topic for another time), But I tried to accept it and re-learn a little towards my social skills goal. It was a nice time... Until today.
I woke up and felt guilty for going out. I felt guilty for drinking. then all the other guilts from the past month came into play.. I felt guilty for not putting in 8 to 12 hours of work per day at 110% effort on this home project. then I went and grabbed some fast food to ponder about my guilt, it felt relieving. Then after I ate the fast food, I felt guilty about that. I tried to do a little painting, but my mind wouldn't stop focusing on all the guilt, it got to the point where I just wanted to lie down and gather these thoughts and somehow fix them. but I cant go back in time to fix then, so I just feel guilty for it all.
but wait!!! what about the painting...? Oh, I'll get back to that tomorrow after I figure out how to deal with my mind...
This post is exactly what I am thinking as it is happening. it might be a little jumbled, but so are my thoughts on this issue. and that is why I am posting it here.
I considered posting it on a "mental health" type board. but started thinking that everyone on thise forums is probably suffering from the exact issues they post about acting like they know how to fix them. when in fact: they are still in that situation, so their advice is really just a form of hypocrisy.
making this post is helping me sort out the issue a little bit. I mean: right now I am thinking that the solution is easy. I should just live my life each moment doing something productive towards my goals (wait... I have no goals..). but then I fear that if I focus in on one thing, I may miss out on another thing that should be more important.. that leads me to think "Ok, Im going to ponder and be sure I want to do plan A, and not plan B. then I will start tomorrow..
my problem is that tomorrow never comes.
/exit the mind of bokeh
for the next few minutes you will enter my mind
sorry for the coming rant, but I am in the process of rebuilding myself, and I am working on my mental state, while spending the next few months researching a personal style for myself.
I think everything makes style; from the clothing a person wears, to the way they think and act.
my current project is catching my actions/inactions and trying to pinpoint the trigger. today I have pinpointed what I think is guilt. soo much guilt to the point of debilitating me and making me withdraw into a "comfort zone".
I was previously in a slump of depression+anxiety for about 6 years. But, lately I've been trying to redevelop myself. I finally see the bright side of the tunnel, but there is still work to be done.
Im having a tough time when it comes to guilt. and I seem to be ok with it for a short time, then the guilt bubble bursts and I start to rehash everything I have guilt from. I guess even when I think things are going pretty good, I thihk to myself, ok I made a mistake, forget about it and move on. but really I probably just ignore it, and file it away as a todo in my brain. because later on, all of the different occasions of filed away guilt resurfaces, and hits me with the hammer of debilitation.
This guilt dump gets to the point where it makes me withdraw to counter productive actions (ex: eating, watching tv, surfing the net, etc.), then after that I feel guilty about that also. But, the temporary releif from the emotional distress makes those counter productive actions tempting and easy to use as an escape once the pressure gets on me again.
heres a current example of what happened today that made me question myself and write this post:
I've been working for a family member cleaning+fixing up a large home. Ive been workin on the painting for the last month and only have about 1/4 of it done. Now, I know I am working harder than any other non-professional would be doing at this same project. but I have never done this type of project before so I am learning as I go. nor do I have the equipment a professional would have (ex: paint sprayer, etc.).
I will admit, I have been putting in about 75% effort as far as hours invested into the project per day, but I was told from the start to also enjoy my time here while working. so I have been.. when Im working im 110%, then I take it easy for a while; thinking: " I do in 4 hours what someone else would do in 8hours, so I will bust my butt for 4 hours then relax for 8 ending up with the same result as someone else."
Well, last night I went out to the bar. it was fun and I havent done that in about a year. Yes, I felt socially awkward (another topic for another time), But I tried to accept it and re-learn a little towards my social skills goal. It was a nice time... Until today.
I woke up and felt guilty for going out. I felt guilty for drinking. then all the other guilts from the past month came into play.. I felt guilty for not putting in 8 to 12 hours of work per day at 110% effort on this home project. then I went and grabbed some fast food to ponder about my guilt, it felt relieving. Then after I ate the fast food, I felt guilty about that. I tried to do a little painting, but my mind wouldn't stop focusing on all the guilt, it got to the point where I just wanted to lie down and gather these thoughts and somehow fix them. but I cant go back in time to fix then, so I just feel guilty for it all.
but wait!!! what about the painting...? Oh, I'll get back to that tomorrow after I figure out how to deal with my mind...
This post is exactly what I am thinking as it is happening. it might be a little jumbled, but so are my thoughts on this issue. and that is why I am posting it here.
I considered posting it on a "mental health" type board. but started thinking that everyone on thise forums is probably suffering from the exact issues they post about acting like they know how to fix them. when in fact: they are still in that situation, so their advice is really just a form of hypocrisy.
making this post is helping me sort out the issue a little bit. I mean: right now I am thinking that the solution is easy. I should just live my life each moment doing something productive towards my goals (wait... I have no goals..). but then I fear that if I focus in on one thing, I may miss out on another thing that should be more important.. that leads me to think "Ok, Im going to ponder and be sure I want to do plan A, and not plan B. then I will start tomorrow..
my problem is that tomorrow never comes.
/exit the mind of bokeh