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A Hairy Situation

Discussion in 'Classic Menswear' started by Execwolf, Apr 1, 2005.

  1. Execwolf

    Execwolf Member

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    Gentelmen:

    I am new to this forum, but I have an issue with my professional appearance that I hope you can assisit with.

    Without going into all the sordid, gothic details that could fill several novels, let me just get this fact out of the way: I am a werewolf...I am not ashamed of this by any means, but of course have to deal with society's pressures and prejudices. Now, if I was a construction worker or a day laborer this would not be a big deal...but I am an executive at a Fortune 500 corporation and as you can imagine, I have to balance a dignified, professional apprearance with the fact that I am frequently the victim of a random, furry transformation that makes me look rather, shall we say "not exactly the cover of GQ."

    I am sure you can sympathise with my plight..imagine having to suit up and give a presentation and never knowing when you are going to start turning into a dog. I have been in the middle of a Power Point presentaion and POW, fur starts groing all over my person and starts shoving its way out of my tailored suits, as you can imagine it's not exactly what myself or my tailor had in mind...nor is it when I wind up going down on all fours and running around the office. So far my superiors have been relatively understanding about my handicap, but I can really feel the tension in the office...especially after my last transformation when I apparantly chased the receptionist all around the office while howling and marking my territory (so I am told, I black out when I am in wolf-form). So, I am trying to think of a few ways I can retian my dapper diginity in the inevitable event that I start to transform while at a business function. So far, my ideas are as follows:

    1) I am trying to wear suits predominately in shades of grey, as my wolf fur is a Timberwolf-esque silver-grey...I think they should blend pretty nicely together.

    2) I am starting to endeavor to make sure there is a bit of red in my tie or pocket square to match my red glowing eyes.

    3) I am finding I have great luck with 3-piece suits, as it adds one extra layer to keep the fur contained (I just hate it when I am wearing a nice, crisp white shirt and the fur starts to poke out of the button holes on my torso).

    4) I am trying to find a tailor who can make a slip-hole in the seats of my suit pants for my tail...I have ruined more pants from my wolf-tail expolding out of my rear end when I transform...And I hate having to go around the rest of the day with a hole in my pants once I transform back -- especially as I usually have to go around the office sheepishly apologising for having grown fur and a snout and howling in the middle of the work day.

    5) I have now switched all of my barrel-cuffed shirts to French cuffs...this prevents strain around the wrists when my hands turn into giant paws. On the subject of extremities, I am also trying to find some well-constructed, office-appropriate shoes that can take the strain of my feet also turning into paws -- it is especially frustrating to invest in Italian shoes just to get holes in them from growing wolf nails at the ends of my toes.

    Anything else you could suggest would be appreciated. Remember, werewolves are people too (even when they start growing canine appendages and start to bark).
     


  2. dorian

    dorian Senior Member

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  3. faustian bargain

    faustian bargain Distinguished Member

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    get a collar and leash, make sure they match your shoes.
     


  4. bengal-stripe

    bengal-stripe Distinguished Member Dubiously Honored

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    I believe you live on the East coast, so when you placed your posting here at 22.33 Pacific time, April fools day had already started in your part of the world.

    Happy April 1st.

    P.S. I would recommend Gucci, they have a lovely selection of stuff for pooches.
     


  5. dorian

    dorian Senior Member

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    Yes, I look forward to knowing which regular poster wrote this... good effort...
     


  6. A Harris

    A Harris Distinguished Member Dubiously Honored

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    Just make sure to buy black shoes, brown is for farmer.
     


  7. FIHTies

    FIHTies Distinguished Member

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    Back and Better Than Before


  8. johnw86

    johnw86 Senior Member

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    Wait--wasn't there a movie about this a while back? Oh yes, Jack Nicholson and all that...
     


  9. Cliff

    Cliff Senior Member

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    I recommend suits with a high content of lycra. The fit will stay with you throughout the transformation.
     


  10. Demeter

    Demeter Senior Member

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    I'd be more than willing to bet that it was Mr. Kabbaz that's behind this prank.

    Unless the poster ISN'T from the east coast. That would mean we have a real were-clotheshorse in our midst.
     


  11. von Rothbart

    von Rothbart Distinguished Member

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    I feel your pain.

    I thought the transformation only occurs after dusk during full moon. Are you telling us it happens in the middle of the day?

    How and when did you acquire your current condition?

    Do you have any heightened senses of smell, sight and sound while in human form? If yes, PM me. Our employer will pay top $$ for your ability.

    Is it true that you are repelled by tiger or lion dunk and pee while in wolf form? If yes, I suggest your co-workers to stock up from local zoo. Put them in ziplock bag or spray bottle just in case.
     


  12. Execwolf

    Execwolf Member

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    Actually, I have a variant of the condition that causes random transformations..though I am guaranteed to have it happen on the Full Moon as well. I actually wasn't bitten by a wolf, but cursed by an ex-girlfriend who put The Curse of the Werewolf on me to get back at me for dumping her for her roommate-what a bitch. Some chicks are so touchy.

    It's a rotten way to have to live life...never knowing when you are going to go from an Ivy League trained, Brooks Brothers-wearing executive to a howling, mangy dog -- makes it kind of hard to plan the day and conduct business. But, until I can find a witch to lift this curse from me, if I have to be a werewolf, I will be the most dapper, well-tailored werewolf in town dammit. Thanks for all your helpful advice by the way...I was wondering if my leash and collar should match my shoes, now I know.
     


  13. faustian bargain

    faustian bargain Distinguished Member

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  14. von Rothbart

    von Rothbart Distinguished Member

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    You should consult with an employment lawyer to determine if your condition can be classified as disability under the American with Disability Act. I have a feeling you're protected under ADA.
     


  15. Execwolf

    Execwolf Member

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    ADA? American with Dog Appendages?
     


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