Groom’s brother, not a groomsman

[neuropathy]

My brother’s wedding is this weekend and I opted not to be a groomsman - family issues, it’s complicated, but basically I was going to be in the group and went on the bachelor party weekend where one of the other groomsmen was a complete jerk, with that causing a further rift between my brother and I - we worked together previously and I just resigned after giving the family years of service in IT and business analysis when I had been asked to help, which required that I leave my position elsewhere. Working with family members can be a nightmare. Normally my brother and I get along pretty well, but recently things have been a mess and we’ve been through times like this and worse many times before.

While I was planning to be one of the groomsmen (never wanted to be, but it was insisted), I’d suggested that everyone wore a different, nice grey suit of their own rather than cheap matching suits from Men’s Warehouse. Apparently the bride gets to make this decision in this case who wanted everyone to look they were dressed like little boys. These are men, including a surgeon, energy engineer, business manager, tech project manager, sales executive, etc. I didn’t argue because it’s not my wedding, but suggested a light grey sharkskin suit, white shirt, black shoes/belt, no tie, boutonnière. My suggestion was taken with the addition of a sage-colored tie.

I didn’t care for this, but also didn’t care to argue. Because of issues in the family and with the total jerk mentioned earlier in the groomsmen group, I had to say I wouldn’t be available to participate in this capacity. The bride told me this was fine as she had sisters who didn’t want to be bridesmaids, which wasn’t a problem at all. I would simply be a guest.

Now for the advice needed: I had planned to wear my own light grey sharkskin suit, white shirt, black shoes/belt, white pocket square, but I’m a bit unsure if that will be any sort of an issue. What do you think? This will be a large wedding - about 200 people (probably more). It also begins in the afternoon and it’s been hot here in California lately - hopefully there’s shade if we’re going to be sitting there for hours in the blazing sun. I’ll have sunglasses - if you have any suggestions, I’d like to hear them. I have a pair of Oliver People’s “wayfarer” type sunglasses - they’re black and I think the model is called Bernardo and I like them a lot. Hopefully reading all of this is useful to someone else if just for that suggestion.

I don’t think this is likely to happen, but just so I know, is a groom’s brother given a boutonnière if they’re not in the wedding party? I’m just interested to know if this is typically reserved for only certain family members and groomsmen, or if I’d be included in that. With a boutonnière and a similar suit to what the groomsmen are wearing, I might be mistaken for one of the party, but again, this will be a large wedding with 200+ people.

There’s also the wedding rehearsal and dinner, which I’d planned to wear a charcoal grey suit and light blue shirt, black shoes/belt, probably without a tie, but if so, with a navy blue tie. I wouldn’t want to wear the same clothes that I’d wear the next day at the wedding, apart from the belt, but I’ll probably wear Oxford shoes at the rehearsal and derby shoes at the wedding. I like the derby shoes I have a lot - they’re a Grenson model. Somehow I see the rehearsal as being a bit more serious than the wedding.

None of this is any kind of best dressed competition to me and I’m only concerned that I’m a good guest at the wedding and the rehearsal. I know there are some guests who love weddings because they want to compete with others for best dressed awards that they give themselves, but that’s not my concern. I know I’ll be dressed very well compared to many others there, which I’m sure many of you can relate to, without being any kind of showboat. I’m just interested to see what sort of advice the group here has as far as all of this, including anything I mentioned. I appreciate all feedback and I’m always hoping to continue learning.

 

[Phileas Fogg]

You lost me with Oliver Peoples. Now I’m re-reading everything with Patrick Bateman’s voice in my head.

 

[neuropathy]

Thanks

 

[johng70]

you're not in the wedding party so whatever suit/tie you want to wear for the wedding is fine. Rehearsal outfit will be fine.

 

[ter1413]

REALLY overthinking this.

-Wear whatever you want. You are not in the wedding.
-Wear whatever sunglasses you want. Take them off for the wedding.
-Boutonniere? If you get one, you get one. You are the brother of the groom. Of course you will be mistaken for a member of the party. So what?

 

[breakaway01]

I think you're obviously very conflicted about your whole role in all of this. If you really don't want to be one of the groomsmen, why are you wearing a very similar outfit to the wedding as the groomsmen? It will only lead to confusion on the part of guests and perhaps some awkward questions.

 

[ter1413]

I think you're obviously very conflicted about your whole role in all of this. If you really don't want to be one of the groomsmen, why are you wearing a very similarl outfit to the wedding as the groomsmen? It will only lead to confusion on the part of guests and perhaps some awkward questions.

Did you read the first sentence of the original post?

 

[breakaway01]

Did you read the first sentence of the original post?

yes I did. He doesn't want to be one of the groomsmen. But is thinking about showing up in an outfit that is virtually the same.

 

[ter1413]

yes I did. He doesn't want to be one of the groomsmen. But is thinking about showing up in an outfit that is virtually the same.

What I mean is that the first sentence is confusing as $#^%. So I think the OP is simply confusing himself/overthinking.

 

[Phileas Fogg]

What I mean is that the first sentence is confusing as $#^%. So I think the OP is simply confusing himself/overthinking.

thats because everyone around him is a jerk.

 

[ter1413]

thats because everyone around him is a jerk.

 

[ValidusLA]

I mean...hes not wrong.

He doesn't want to be his brothers groomsman, and the brides sisters don't want to bridesmaids.

This couple sounds .... special.

 

[neuropathy]

Unfortunately, that’s something like it. My brother and I normally get along well enough apart from some issues in working together, which recently ended, and, all of his friends are great except the one I mentioned (some college friend I’d only met briefly 10 years ago) who was going out of his way to be a c*nt to me. No, this wasn’t any kind of misinterpreted joking...

After that weekend trip (technically that was the bachelor’s party - mountain biking trip, not a sleazy kind of thing), I thought that would be the last I’d have to see of the douche and I commended myself for my restraint, but it wasn’t. I found out a week after he’d be in the wedding party and I couldn’t tolerate this character again without putting him in line, which everyone else would not like. Being around him so much ruined the weekend trip for me and it would definitely ruin the wedding for me. I talked to my brother about that later, we argued, I felt he was taking me for granted as usual, and, I had to back out of being in the wedding party.

I’m my brother’s brother, not his friend. Unfortunately, I couldn’t support him as a groomsmen because of the unbrotherly relationship we have, despite all I’ve done to try to make things right - I’ve given up on that for the time being and had to stand up for myself, which isn’t a common thing for me to do in my family.

I almost regret giving suggestions for the groomsmen’s suit/shirt, but my brother’s original idea was to have everyone wear horrible tweed suits (in the August sun). I’d originally suggested everyone wear their own grey suit because I like the look of more character than matching suits, but when this was rejected, I suggested another idea that was well-received by all apparently.

I appreciate the advice. I’ll be fine wearing my own suit that’s similar to what the groomsmen are wearing (without the sage tie that will help with differentiation). It’s a large wedding, so that will help too - the bride has an extensive family, all of whom are local - different culture than my family, which is spread out and nowhere near as numerous anyway.