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The parenting thread - Page 9

post #121 of 162
ok, here is a brag.

so, we are driving on the approach to George Washington bridge in NYC, at night, with my kids in the car. I ask my kids if they can identify the cloisters, what is that? I ask.

one of my 6 year olds identifies it correctly. she's only been there once, 18 months ago, in daylight, approaching from the south. I was totally blown away
post #122 of 162
Did someone say brag? My little girl just got the presidential award for academic excellence. Had to maintain an A average for k-6 and score above 90 percentile on her standardized tests. She was more like 95 percentile icon_gu_b_slayer[1].gif

She got her dads brains and her moms looks. She's going to run the world
post #123 of 162
^ cool



so I think this is where I am going to post this.

I saw a friend last night, one of my oldest friends. guy is smart, Swarthmore and then PhD at MIT. inherited a nice piece of change at 21 - I would estimate 2 mil, give or take. loving family, parents divorced, but 10 years after he left home. tall, good looking, sense of humor. married a sort of hot chick, 5 years older than him, when he was 21. well mannered, well read, kind, a really great guy.

I haven't seen him more than 2-3 times in the past 10 years, last time 7 years ago. he's blown pretty much all of his money, although he has a pretty nice house. he's makes about 1/3 as much as I do, he hates his job, his wife looks miserable, they spend the whole evening bitching about how they can't afford to send their kids to summer camp, and they can't afford to buy this or that, and they can't afford to travel, etc. his wife is working at a low paying job that she hates.

so here's how this hooks to parenting - he was raised with the idea that he probably wouldn't have to work, he actually told me that at one point, that he figured he would study something interesting, because he probably wouldn't ever work. his father never worked. so he got a great education, and then didn't work, he basically didn't have a full time job until he was 45. I helped him write a CV a while back - he had 3 or 4 part time jobs over the years, but if you put them together, it was about like he worked 5-8 years by the time he was 45. then the money didn't work out to be worth as much as anticipated.

the only other friend I have in the same position isn't happy, either - he got divorced and at 46, is still trying to figure out what to do with his life.

the issue of work ethic seems to be incredibly important to a happy life.
post #124 of 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by munchausen View Post

Did someone say brag? My little girl just got the presidential award for academic excellence. Had to maintain an A average for k-6 and score above 90 percentile on her standardized tests. She was more like 95 percentile icon_gu_b_slayer[1].gif

She got her dads brains and her moms looks. She's going to run the world

Congrats. But what standardized tests does one take k-6? STAR testing?
post #125 of 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorCal View Post

Congrats. But what standardized tests does one take k-6? STAR testing?
they have a different name every year it seems. There are a few different kinds as well
post #126 of 162

I'm all for ass-kicking/corporal punishment (especially for sons), considering my parents beat me with everything.

 

Fuck being spoiled. An ass-kicking humbles you.

post #127 of 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by JilSlander View Post

I'm all for ass-kicking/corporal punishment (especially for sons), considering my parents beat me with everything.

Fuck being spoiled. An ass-kicking humbles you.

And makes you a psychopath.satisfied.gif
post #128 of 162
Human shit. Lots and lots of human shit. That is what parenting often boils down to.
post #129 of 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

ok, here is a brag.

here's mine..

acidkid #1's school had a lexile evaluation program last month.
Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)
The Lexile Framework for Reading is an educational tool that uses a measure called a Lexile to match readers of all ages with books, articles and other leveled reading resources. The Lexile Framework uses quantitative methods, based on individual words and sentence lengths, rather than qualitative analysis of content to produce scores.

she gave me her evaluation result the other day. the expected scale for their grade is placed at 1000 lexile scores max, she got above 1100.
post #130 of 162
^ very cool.


yesterday, my girls (my son's at camp) were hanging out in the living room doing lazy stuff. my wife and I snuck up and attacked them with crazy string. it totally freaked them out, it was hilarious.
post #131 of 162
Thread Starter 
I have a rather unpleasant story: My son, 11 years old, has been lying and stealing, over $150 out of my wife's and my wallets.

My boy is into one of these card games recently and I have noticed that the number of cards he has seems to be increasing at a very fast rate.I buy him a pack or two sometimes and he plays and trades with friends but it still seemed to be a bit too much. Yesterday, after he went to sleep I noticed a couple expensive looking box sets he left lying around. This morning I asked him where they came from and he started lying like mad, saying he couldn't remember and then "confessing" that he paid for it with some money he had saved and they cost around $10.

After I kept digging he started crying and my wife and I kept questioning him. I looked up online about the card sets and found that they cost over $40 for the two boxes and they were just released a couple days ago. He bought the cards when he and his friends were on their way to a summer festival at his school. It was the first time we let him go alone. I asked him to show me his wallet and he started freaking out and trying to hide it. I told him to hand it over and found there was another $100 in there.

We are still digging to get the whole story here but that is the essence. He has now been punished by losing all of his cards as well as all games, comics, whatever.

In truth, I am just feeling sick about it. I am shocked by the amount...honestly if it was just a couple dollars I wouldn't really care so much..and if he was a few years older I would be less surprised.

I realize that this is a great opportunity to teach him a very valuable lesson that will last him a lifetime and set some sort of ethical code. But the pressure I feel is about how to make sure the message I send him now creates a positive result.

Any insights, Gents? Punish hard? Shower him with love and attention (I am fairly sure that is a factor here)? Talk to his friends parents to see if there is more to the story?
post #132 of 162
That sucks. I assume the game is Magic and the set is M14?

Also, as much as you obviously have to do something major, remember that many, most likely the majority, of people stole something when they were kids. It does not mean he is a budding sociopath. Just something to keep in mind going forward.

You mention attention, have you been neglecting him?

Whatever you decide, make sure to keep the punishment seperrate from the rest of your life and interactions woith him. Try to make him understand that while he is in shit loads of trouble and is paying for it by x y z the rest of your relationship can continue and grow. Go do something with him, take in a ball game.

Punishment, one possibility is to make him earn 150$. It can drive home the point that it is not just the dishonesty but that there is a significant amount of labor embedded in that money. Tell him that once he earns it, he has to spend it all on something nice for his mom.
Chances are he'll end up being really proud when he is done.

Just a few thoughts.
post #133 of 162
Eric, remember the "this hurts me more than you" bit?


you have a good kid. he loves you, and he screwed up.


you tell him that you make a certain amount of money, and that you don't have any way of making more. and that you have fixed expenses, so when he steals from you, he is stealing from the family. so, you, together, are going to eat 150 dollars less food this week. he doesn't get lunches, and you don't eat lunches, or you don't eat meat for a week or what ever. so, he sees that he is causing you and the rest of the family to "suffer" as well as him.

oh, and make him tear up the cards he bought, and hold the cards that he had before for a while, maybe until school starts. separate the punishments - money issue separate, lying issue separate.

sorry about that, it sucks.



oh, hears my feeling - punishment should be draconian and swift. .
post #134 of 162
^ agree with zach. I haven't thought of that situation happening, e. good luck with j, he seems like a nice kid- hope he figures out the gravity of the situation.
post #135 of 162
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorCal View Post

That sucks. I assume the game is Magic and the set is M14?

Also, as much as you obviously have to do something major, remember that many, most likely the majority, of people stole something when they were kids. It does not mean he is a budding sociopath. Just something to keep in mind going forward.

You mention attention, have you been neglecting him?

Whatever you decide, make sure to keep the punishment seperrate from the rest of your life and interactions woith him. Try to make him understand that while he is in shit loads of trouble and is paying for it by x y z the rest of your relationship can continue and grow. Go do something with him, take in a ball game.

Punishment, one possibility is to make him earn 150$. It can drive home the point that it is not just the dishonesty but that there is a significant amount of labor embedded in that money. Tell him that once he earns it, he has to spend it all on something nice for his mom.
Chances are he'll end up being really proud when he is done.

Just a few thoughts.

Thanks. The game was Dual Master and it was some card pack that looks like a book. The "attention" issue may be related to his twin sisters who are just 2 years old. My wife and I are focusing a lot on them recently. He doesn't show it but he may be feeling jealous. He also is at an age where he is getting more independent to go out and play with his friends instead of spending his free time with us so he may have mixed feelings about that.

I completely agree with your advice to make sure he knows he isn't a bad person, just that he did a bad thing. And to ensure he knows that he is well loved. Which he certainly is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

Eric, remember the "this hurts me more than you" bit?


you have a good kid. he loves you, and he screwed up.


you tell him that you make a certain amount of money, and that you don't have any way of making more. and that you have fixed expenses, so when he steals from you, he is stealing from the family. so, you, together, are going to eat 150 dollars less food this week. he doesn't get lunches, and you don't eat lunches, or you don't eat meat for a week or what ever. so, he sees that he is causing you and the rest of the family to "suffer" as well as him.

oh, and make him tear up the cards he bought, and hold the cards that he had before for a while, maybe until school starts. separate the punishments - money issue separate, lying issue separate.

sorry about that, it sucks.



oh, hears my feeling - punishment should be draconian and swift. .

Thanks Zack, I appreciate that as you know the little thief of which I speak.

Totally agree with everything you say...and it is a very good point about it being two separate issues, I hadn't considered that but it is very correct and I will discuss it with him using that framework. I had thought that he was understanding about the value of money but it seems I need to spend some more time to instill the concepts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post

^ agree with zach. I haven't thought of that situation happening, e. good luck with j, he seems like a nice kid- hope he figures out the gravity of the situation.

Yea...he knows he is in the shit now. I am actually out of town for a few days but I spoke to him by telephone about it last night...I haven't heard him cry like that in years. I laid on a combined guilt trip, brow-beating and outpouring of unconditional love. And I plan to do it again tonight.

Appreciate all the comments, Gents!
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