Missing a funeral (need advice)

No real advice, as it's your decision to make; but my sincere condolences.

You attend Ohio State. You can easily miss every class but the exam and still get hired as a professor the week after. It is possible to go, you should. If you have feelings for the people he left behind, including your parents, it would be rather selfish to not go. If you were off in Iraq or had some actual reason for not going, I wouldn't see it as a bad thing, but what you've described isn't a good enough reason.

Originally Posted by fredfred

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GO TO IT. Weddings you can miss. Funerals, you can't. You family (esp either you mother or father) will want you there. That is their father you are talking about. If nothing else, stop in a store and say "look, I'm going to my grandfather's funeral. Here's my credit card as a deposit. Loan me a suit. ". (if you are that concerned about the suit) This forum is about "style". Attending a family funeral is part of style.
Well the thing is my mother (grandpa's daughter) is urging me not to go. The man's motto was "Life is for the living," and he would be very upset knowing he caused someone anxiety over his death. Grandma is calling soon, and mom said she is going to say the same thing. I am really not gripped with grief. Rather, I am happy that the guy went out on his own terms. He lived in his own house, ate whatever he want and drank whatever he want, and lived to be 86 (or 88, depending on who you believe ). He was recently forced, by my grandma and the rest of the family, to sell the business he has operated since the 1950s. Grandpa never dealt with change well, and he sort of went off the deep end...started drinking heavily for the first time in a decade, popped a lot of tranquilizers. One day he was found face-down in the lobby of his hotel, rather out of it. He was in a pseudo-coma for a week or so at the hospital. The absolute last thing I would have wanted would be to see him stuck in some godawful nursing home, a vegetable. This was sort of a release for him. Tom outlived all of his friends, his entire family back in Ireland (the last of 14 siblings!), etc. He became rather lonely in these last years.

Ugh. What a story. Really, though, you should pretend you didn't talk to anyone in your family. They're grieving, yes, but this is for you too. Deal with your grief however you feel is appropriate.

Originally Posted by Connemara

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Well the thing is my mother (grandpa's daughter) is urging me not to go. The man's motto was "Life is for the living," and he would be very upset knowing he caused someone anxiety over his death. Grandma is calling soon, and mom said she is going to say the same thing.

I am really not gripped with grief. Rather, I am happy that the guy went out on his own terms. He lived in his own house, ate whatever he want and drank whatever he want, and lived to be 86 (or 88, depending on who you believe

). He was recently forced, by my grandma and the rest of the family, to sell the business he has operated since the 1950s. Grandpa never dealt with change well, and he sort of went off the deep end...started drinking heavily for the first time in a decade, popped a lot of tranquilizers. One day he was found face-down in the lobby of his hotel, rather out of it. He was in a pseudo-coma for a week or so at the hospital. The absolute last thing I would have wanted would be to see him stuck in some godawful nursing home, a vegetable.

This was sort of a release for him. Tom outlived all of his friends, his entire family back in Ireland (the last of 14 siblings!), etc. He became rather lonely in these last years.
Sounds like it has been decided. Again, my condolences.

Wow. My mom just told me that a few days ago, he briefly gained consciousness and said to my grandmother, "I'm so sorry for what I've done." His last words.

Poor guy. I've heard that depression is pretty common in the elderly. I'm guessing a lot of people just get tired of living.

Wasn't that WFB's reply when Charlie rose asked him if he wanted to be young again? "oh god no. I am absolutely tired of life." something like that.

You've got to go Mike. Make it work. Douglas has it planned out pretty well for you.
My condolences, btw. Sounds like he was a hoot. If for nothing else, go to celebrate his uniqueness.

Ugh. I just don't know what the **** I should do.

i am terribly sorry and from everything i know about your relationship, you need to go.

Originally Posted by Connemara

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Sorry for brevity, posting from BB.

My grandpa died yesterday. I've been in touch with my family today re: funeral plans, and multiple relatives have said they think I should just stay in Ohio because of my current situation.

Situation: I am moving this weekend (I Have to do it, can't put it off), wake us Sunday and funeral Monday. Fitting in a trip back home will be pretty hard.

I don't have a suit for the funeral. Dad and I called around to some places, and it seems like getting one in time will be a stretch. Its not a big deal at all but as an SFer its something I thought of (I hope this doesn't make me sound shallow).

I just started classes. Missing 2 days of the second week is not good.

We are very busy at work.

My grandpa didn't see me as much these past few years (college) but everytime we met he would say how important it is for me to work hard, attend class, etc. I spent a lot of time with him this year, for which I am grateful, but I can't help but feel that I will carry a sense of guilt if I miss the funeral. Then again, I will always be able to visit his grave.

I don't know what to do.

Originally Posted by Connemara

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Wow. My mom just told me that a few days ago, he briefly gained consciousness and said to my grandmother, "I'm so sorry for what I've done." His last words.

You come from an Irish Catholic family, correct? Perhaps this was an act of contrition. Was he particularly religious?

Originally Posted by Douglas

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Deal with your grief however you feel is appropriate.

I second this. Funerals are a whole different world, and there are really so few people who can give you solid counsel on this because they aren't you. Think about what you'll feel if you don't go. If you'll feel like you honored him by continuing with your life, I think that's totally valid. If you think you need to be there for your family, or for your own grieving process, then do that. Everything else will work itself out.

And I'm so, so sorry for your and your family's loss.

Originally Posted by RyJ Maduro

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You come from an Irish Catholic family, correct? Perhaps this was an act of contrition. Was he particularly religious?
Yes, he was very religious. I think he was apologizing for putting her through hell these past couple of months when he was drunk 24/7. Like most Irish Catholics, he had lots of guilt.

no offense, but like sfield said, its not like you are doing important cancer research and are on the edge of a break through. you're attending summer classes and im sure you can make time to fly in for 6 hours.

Teger, you're right. I need to go for my own sake and for my fam.

Regret is an awful feeling and I don't want to take the chance here.

You MUST go and will end up regretting it heavily if you don't. These are the types of things where you drop everything and get on the next flight to go home and be with your family to pay your respects to a man to whom you essentially owe your life. A funeral is about closure for the living and if you had a close relationship with someone, burying them helps you come to terms with their departure even if you're not grief stricken.

All the other things you have to do in the next few days are but small nuisances in the grand scheme of things and will be long forgotten in a short while but you will remember your grandfather's funeral for the rest of your life. Just tell your family you're on your way and do whatever it takes to get there asap and stay as long as you can. Your other stuff can wait and be taken care of when your return.

p.s. my condolences M.