Transparent Moderation Log & Site Topics - Part I

rach2jlc · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by JetBlast

I don't know the OP personally, but maybe he doesn't have anyone to go to about it. It's not like this is the first thread that has involved personal grieving (although not as serious as this situation) on SF.
It's NOT the first time... it's one of MANY times. I fundamentally think that they are problematic and dangerous for the OP's of those threads, just like asking for medical advice, ("My arm just fell off. Should I see a doctor?) If he has no one to talk to, FIND SOMEONE in his life who can help or who knows him. A priest, psychologist, other family member, even a support group. Human beings in times of real grief need someone who can address their real situations and issues in person. We as SFers on teh interwebz cannot... and thus, should not. The OP is more valuable than that; his mother was more valuable than that.

why · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by JetBlast

Is this considered acceptable? Apparently why thinks it is all a game.

I purposely didn't originally post any details because I considered them unnecessary and inappropriate. You opened the door here.

Originally Posted by gdl203

It's not about what he's saying, and it's not even about how he's saying it (although he is being his usual asswipe), it is about where he is saying it. rach, robin - what would you think of someone launching into this kind of argument at a funeral or a wake?

I agree. However, the OP himself did not post to ask for consolation. He said:

Originally Posted by gabby11303

I really just wanted to share this for my own sanity, but also to help anybody else.

If the OP would rather the comments not be in the thread I'll edit them out.

JetBlast · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by why

I purposely didn't originally post any details because I considered them unnecessary and inappropriate. You opened the door here.

To be honest I wasn't expecting comments as (somewhat) offensive as yours.

gdl203 · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by why

I agree. However, the OP himself did not post to ask for consolation. He said:

If the OP would rather the comments not be in the thread I'll edit them out.
I would think of this as common sense (or common sensibility). I think such discussion has value and wouldn't mind reading people's differing opinions on that. The venue was poorly chosen though.

thekunk07 · Feb 3, 2009

guys, you are feeding water to a gremlin. ignore.

T4phage · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by j

Yep.

Okay, try now. Using a different directory. I got the error and now I don't. Not sure why I didn't get it last night.

Thank you J.

It works.

why · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by JetBlast

To be honest I wasn't expecting comments as (somewhat) offensive as yours.
When I say...

Originally Posted by why

You're young and I don't want to get into this discussion much more than I already have, but there's a difference between real suicide and cries for help.
...it's pretty clear that I'm holding back on purpose. Next time don't ask. That said, I'm editing it out.

RedLantern · Feb 3, 2009

Also, I don't think that the generic responses are "phony" just because they don't mean literally what they say. Specifically I think saying "sorry to hear that" is just a bit of encouragement and comisseration. It is polite and harmless much like saying "bless you" or "pleased to meet you."

rach2jlc · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by RedLantern

It is polite and harmless much like saying "bless you" or "pleased to meet you."
I agree... but I think that's too easy and that's my problem. Our loved ones deserve more than that... more than just "social politeness," I think. I think the automatic "I'm sorry for you" is a sham and of the dozens of forums on which I've been... they are ALWAYS offered in a general, blanket fashion when these types of threads come up. I've lost a LOT of people in my life, for as young as I am... and I just think it's all phony. Again, I'm not going to go down with that ship, because I'm not going to tell ANYBODY how to express grief. I just wanted to at least TRY to add that REAL people, REAL loved ones, are worth more than our "polite" offers of sympathy. Thus, I think we shouldn't solicit them from others online, or offer them ourselves. And, that why decided to make that issue on that thread, though perhaps misplaced, nevertheless does NOT warrant disciplinary action.

why · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by RedLantern

Also, I don't think that the generic responses are "phony" just because they don't mean literally what they say. Specifically I think saying "sorry to hear that" is just a bit of encouragement and comisseration. It is polite and harmless much like saying "bless you" or "pleased to meet you."
The difference is that on the Internet there's no greeting and nobody hears you sneeze. I disagree with it being 'polite and harmless'. You're equating death with sneezing. I think the former is a lot more personal than the latter and ergo deserves a lot more personal response (hence eulogies). This is a real person. On the Internet it's just another thread detailing hardship and a loss of life. But let me reiterate: this is a real person. I think the standard response cheapens the situation and ultimately that same real person.

JetBlast · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by RedLantern

Also, I don't think that the generic responses are "phony" just because they don't mean literally what they say. Specifically I think saying "sorry to hear that" is just a bit of encouragement and comisseration. It is polite and harmless much like saying "bless you" or "pleased to meet you."

+1. How can anyone tell whose responses are "phony" and who actually cares? I don't see much of an ability to tell over an internet forum.

I'm not trying to flare an argument with why or anyone for that matter, I just think some of the comments were a bit out of line. Just my opinion.

rebenga · Feb 3, 2009

Good grief, you guys really got your iPanties in a bunch.

why · Feb 3, 2009

I just think moreso than anything that my distaste for what I consider shallow and uncaring responses is being falsely masqueraded around as insensitivity toward death and specifically the loss of gabby's mother.

What comments do you consider out of line?

thekunk07 · Feb 3, 2009

nah, it's just everyone's distaste for you.

Thomas · Feb 3, 2009

Originally Posted by rach2jlc

I agree... but I think that's too easy and that's my problem. Our loved ones deserve more than that... more than just "social politeness," I think. I think the automatic "I'm sorry for you" is a sham and of the dozens of forums on which I've been... they are ALWAYS offered in a general, blanket fashion when these types of threads come up. I've lost a LOT of people in my life, for as young as I am... and I just think it's all phony.

Again, I'm not going to go down with that ship, because I'm not going to tell ANYBODY how to express grief. I just wanted to at least TRY to add that REAL people, REAL loved ones, are worth more than our "polite" offers of sympathy. Thus, I think we shouldn't solicit them from others online, or offer them ourselves.

And, that why decided to make that issue on that thread, though perhaps misplaced, nevertheless does NOT warrant disciplinary action.

You know, I posted condolences in that thread, not because I knew the OP or the extent of his loss - I just assumed it was a big loss to him, being his mother and such a surprise. Maybe this is a knee-jerk reaction, maybe his mom deserves more, maybe the world is a poorer place and this passing deserves more than a quickly-typed sentence.

I totally see where you and why are coming from with your comments, and I agree with you to a point that a lot of polite sympathy is short-lived at best, and at times is a sham.

But that said, I do genuinely wish the OP well, and that quickly-typed sentence is all I can offer. I think I'd rather do that little bit to comfort the OP than just walk by the thread and keep quiet.

Transparent Moderation Log & Site Topics - Part I

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