Your favorite Jokes?

[Matt]

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor,
"I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's
the line?"
"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.
"Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions.
"Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on
stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday
evening".

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favorite bar and goes on a major bender.

He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the
theatre continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the
bouncer.
"Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'""
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"you're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup.
"Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"Get on there, the curtains about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly from behind him comes an enourmously loud blast.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The actor screams "WHAT THE **** WAS THAT!!!!!"

 

[kapay]

My friend loves this joke I told him..

What do you call a black person who can fly a plane?



A pilot you **************.

 

[Thomas]

A reporter for the Battalion (Texas Aggie student newspaper) is walking on campus when he is attacked by a vicious dog. A passer-by tries to separate the two and ends up shooting the dog.
The reporter is grateful, and says "I can see the headlines now - Hero saves follow Aggie from certain death!"
The passer-by says, "Thanks, but I'm not an Aggie."
The reporter tries again, "Fellow Texan rescues Aggie reporter!"
The passer-by says, "Actually, I'm a Longhorn and headed back to Austin."
The repoter snarls, "Liberal bastard shoots family dog!"

 

[trogdor]

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:

Journalist: "So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

--
Q: What do you call some cheese that you don't own?
A: Nacho cheese.

 

[Toiletduck]

I thought the Aristocrats joke is just kinda dumb

 

[whodini]

Originally Posted by Toiletduck

I thought the Aristocrats joke is just kinda dumb
But the film was hysterical. Bob Saget was key.

 

[Nantucket Red]

An elderly couple go into a doctor's office and asks him to examine them while they ********. It's a strange request, but the doctor complies. After they ********, the doctor tells them their sexual functions seem normal and quite good for people their age. They thank the doctor and ask if they can come back at the same time the following week. The doctor agrees, and the following week the same scenario plays out.

The doctor is curious and asks them, "You seem completely normal. Why do you want me to examine you while you're **********?"

The couple explain, "Well, we're married, but not to each other, and need a place to carry on our affair. Coming to see you is cheaper than renting a motel room and Medicare pays half."

 

[FLMountainMan]

Why doesn't Mark Foley use bookmarks?

He'd rather just bend over the pages.

 

[Thomas]

An elderly couple are driving through Arkansas and are stopped by a patrolman. The patrolman approaches the driver and tells him that they're driving too slow.
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He says we're driving too slow"

The patrolman then asks him for his license.
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He wants our license"

They produce the license and the patrolman looks it over and says - "Fayetteville! I had the worst sex of my life in Fayetteville"
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He says he thinks he knows you"

 

[Nantucket Red]

Three married couples die and end up being interviewed in front of the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter addresses the gentleman in the first couple. "Our records show, that you were quite a lush. In fact, you loved booze so much you married a girl named Brandy," he says, looking at the man's wife. "I'm afraid you can't enter heaven."

St. Peter addresses the gentleman in the second couple. "Our records show that you were quite the miser. In fact, you loved money so much you married a girl named Penny," he says, looking at the man's wife. "I'm afraid you can't enter heaven."

The gentleman in the third couple looks at his wife and says, "I think I know what he's going to say. Come on, let's go, Fanny."

 

[denimdestroyedmylife]

I think the joke about the cannibals is rather poignant. I can't remember the joke so much, but the punchline is:

"Then why are we made of meat?"

 

[Nantucket Red]

Two cannibals kill a missionary and have to divvy him up between them.

"You start on the right leg and I'll start on the left leg and we'll eat to the middle," they agree.

They begin eating ravenously.

"Man, this is good!" one cannibal says to the other.

"It sure is. I'm having a ball!" says the other.

The first cannibal objects, "Hey! You're eating too fast!"

 

[hopkins_student]

Originally Posted by whodini

But the film was hysterical. Bob Saget was key.

Yes, his performance was top notch.

 

[Thomas]

A family of four leaves the farm to have dinner in the big city. They stop at a diner and are seated at a booth - mom and dad on one side, and the two boys - one 4 years old, and the other 2 yearts old- on the other side.
The waitress approaches and asks the four-year old "what would you like, sugarplum?
The four-year-old says "I'm gonna have me a goddamn cheeseburger"
The father is incensed, reaches across the table and slaps the four-year-old out of the booth.
The waitress decides to move on and asks the two-year-old "and what will you have, sweetie?"
The two-year-old says "You bet your sweet ass I ain't having no goddamn cheeseburger!"

 

[shoreman1782]

This is an old one (maybe even been told in the old joke thread), but...

Two missionaries are captured by a tribe of savages. They are bound and brought to the village, and made to kneel before the chief, who offers them a choice. "We have two possible fates for the unfortunate people we capture: death, or roo roo. What choose you?"

The first missionary says "Well, I don't know what roo roo is, but at least it's not death. I choose roo roo."

"Very well," says the chief. "Prepare for roo roo!"

The savages strip the missionary and take turns doing unspeakable things to him... violence, torture, sexual deviancy; no part of the missionary is spared, physically or mentally. When the frenzy stops, he lays still, mortally wounded.

The chief turns to the second missionary, who is horrified, to say the least. "What choose you?"

"Death, oh dear god, death!"

"Very well. But first, a little roo roo."