Your favorite Jokes?

[Egdon Heath]

Physical description of the perfect woman:
Three feet tall with a flat head...so you'll have a place to put your drink while she blows you.​

 

[amerikajinda]

Originally Posted by Egdon Heath

Physical description of the perfect woman:
Three feet tall with a flat head...so you'll have a place to put your drink while she blows you.​

That's horrific and misogynistic! You must be in the 7th grade...

 

[X-It]

Originally Posted by nootje

knock knock

who's there?

It's Barri

Barri who?

Barri Cade, im putting the weekend on your doorstep!

Young Mi: "Knock...knock..."

Amerikajinda: "Who's there?"

Young Mi: "It's Mi, honey!"

Amerikajinda: "Mi who?"

Young Mi: "Young Mi"

Amerikajinda: "But Mi doesn't look Young hah?"

Young Mi: "Mi so happy"

 

[Egdon Heath]

Originally Posted by Egdon Heath

Physical description of the perfect woman:
Three feet tall with a flat head...so you'll have a place to put your drink while she blows you.​

Originally Posted by amerikajinda

That's horrific and misogynistic! You must be in the 7th grade...

You're partially correct: I was in the 7th grade when I made it up. (And were I still in school I would be in the, let's see here..., the 53rd grade, for I'm not as young as I write.)​

 

[Beta]

what do girls and multiplication tables have in common?



if they are under 13 you do them in your head.

 

[bowlhead99]

I spooned my wife all night long.

It would have been quicker if I'd used a knife.

 

[judges76]

2 men in an elevator.
Man 1 to Man 2, "what would you give me as a trade for my wife?"
Man 2 answers, "nothing."
Man 1, "SOLD!!!"

 

[05charley]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said: "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: "Take what you want."

The other engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[likeitaloud]

Originally Posted by Connemara

Q: What do you call a Michigan grad with a national championship ring? A: A thief!
ROFL I heard a few other versions of this, which were all racist to various degrees.

 

[Kohan]

Okay, this is a little long, but it's my #1 favorite to tell and has never once failed me (if you can do a parrot voice, so much the better) :

A woman is walking down the street when she passes a pet shop. Looking through the window, she's struck by the beautiful plumage on a parrot in a cage, with a handwritten sign taped to his perch that says: "PARROT: $10". Her curiosity is piqued, so she goes inside and finds the proprietor. "Excuse me sir, but I noticed that beautiful parrot. Why only ten dollars?" "Well, ma'am, I won't lie to you--this parrot used to live in a brothel, and he's picked up some colorful expressions." The woman thinks about it a moment, then says "If a bird can learn a phrase, he can unlearn a phrase. I'll take it." She pays the man and takes the bird home. Upon arriving at her apartment, she sets the cage on a table in the den. The bird wakes, looks around, then squawks "Braawk, new house, new madame!" The woman is a little bit offended, but decides to ignore it and sits down with a magazine.

About 45 minutes later her two daughters get home from school. They walk into the den and say "Hi Mom," which wakes the bird. He notices the two of them and calls out "Braaawk! New house, new madame, new girls!" Again, they're all a little put off, but decide to figure out a plan for the bird when the man of the house gets home. Sure enough, right then they hear the door. The man walks into the hall, takes off his hat and coat, and walks into the den. "Hi family!" he calls out, to which the bird replies: "Braaawk! Hi Kevin!"


And just because I'm feeling it:

Two orthodox Jews are having lunch, and both are pretty upset. "I don't know what to do," moans the first. "I raised my children to be good Jews and to respect the traditions, but my son went to Israel and came back a Catholic!". His friend is sympathetic, and replies "I know how you feel! I, too, raised my children to be devoted Jews, but my son went to the Holy Land and came back a Methodist! What do we do?" His friend thinks a moment, and says "Let us pray on it."

So they go to the synagogue, and begin to pray: "Blessed art thou, Lord our God, please bless us with mercy and compassion. Both our sons went to the Holy Land and came back Christians!" Suddenly there's a tremendous thunderclap, and lights begin to flicker. Then, a deep, rumbling voice calls out: "Tell me about it!"

 

[dopey]

Want to hear a good joke? George W. Bush.

I used that to get a 20% discount at Zabar's.

 

[likeitaloud]

Originally Posted by dopey

Want to hear a good joke? George W. Bush. I used that to get a 20% discount at Zabar's.
Maybe it had something to do that you are a midget?

 

[closetmess]

A little crude but....always gets crude laughs.

Q: What's the difference between jam and jelly?

A: You can't jelly ********* down a girl's throat.

 

[denning]

Knock knock...
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co... MOOO!!!! ...w who?

 

[seanchai]

Originally Posted by Beta

what do girls and multiplication tables have in common?



if they are under 13 you do them in your head.

New favorite joke.