I'm writing this while it is still fresh in memory, as this happened just this past weekend. My friend, Derrick, was visiting from Northern California. I decided to take him and a group of my friends (douchefriend included) to Taps Fish House and Brewery, which has the best Cream Ale made by man. Now Derrick had met douchefriend before, but had generally remembered him as, in his words, "a pretty normal guy". Our night would prove that first impressions CAN be forgotten, given enough evidence to the contrary opinion.
First thing I noticed about douchefriend was his new pair of Bruno Magli's. Besides the obvious parallel I created between him and another famous Bruno Magli aficionado
, I realized he (well, his mother) had bought them after he had gotten denied entry to a trendy lounge because he was wearing inappropriate shoes. It was a few weeks earlier, and before we had left for the lounge, I remember specifically telling him to "dress classy", which he understood to mean: three buttons undone unironed Abercrombie shirt, ratty looking acid washed jeans with holes in them (made by True Religion), and a gawdy pair of Lacoste sneakers"”clean, but burnished with what appeared to be rainbow colored clown vomit. He almost threw a fit when the bouncer said he was "dressed too casually". Eyeing my mirror shined AE Strands in Walnut, he vowed that he would get a nice pair of shoes and that he would start "dressing better". This apparently meant having TWO
buttons undone on his wrinkled Hollister shirt, collar up, wearing the same ratty true religions, and NOW, a pair of (already stained) Bruno Magli cap toes.
Anyway, we start drinking (uh-oh), and douchefriend wastes no time getting reacquainted with Derrick. After the generic helloswhathaveyoubeenupto's, the first thing he asks is: "Hey, do you remember Tran (my other, normal, friend)? Do you think he's weirder than me?". Derrick is a little thrown off guard and he ignored the question. "No seriously, on a scale of one to ten. ..if Tran's, say, six, what would that make me?" Derrick smartly avoided a straight answer. Douchefriend wouldn't let up. "What about who is better looking?" He turned to Dee, my cute friend, and asks, "Do you think I look better looking than Tran?" Dee doesn't answer. "So he looks better than me? Why? He's just a typical chinky gook! With chinky eyes. You know...those eyes...ching chong, ching chong!" Dee is Korean
. Feeling that the conversation was taking an awkward turn, I decide to talk about politics. Bad idea.
The topic of stock broker regulations came up, and douchefriend mentioned that Obama was a "fucking stupid idiot" because he was tightening regulations on stock brokers who made too much money. "I'm going to get paid less now!" (This was after he went on for a few minutes about how he just sits around at work goofing around
). "I miss Bush. You fucking liberals just worship Obama too much, he's gonna drive this country to the ground. I mean he's the reason I'm broke right now, too much damn taxes!" "Why are you complaining? You're in the lowest tax bracket." "Whatever, he's stealing my money and giving it to those damn bums who don't work. Bush made this country great. He showed that this country doesn't take shit, and he kept us strong and made us rich." "What about the trillion dollar deficit he helped create?" "Oh, you wouldn't understand...you liberals just suck on Obama's dick all day". Classy.
The bar closes, so we decided to walk around a bit and hit up Yard House. As we're walking there, we walk by these two women, who he immediately accosts. He yells randomly "You're wearing an ugly dress, and you're fat, you fatty!" Thankfully they just ignore him. My friends are visibly embarrassed and try to walk away from him, but he takes not notice and keeps walking. I should note that douchefriend has been reading American Psycho and takes pleasure in how Patrick Bateman is so shallow and criticizes men and women for having bad clothes or for being fat. I guess he wanted to try it out a bit. Me and my friends hang around outside while douchefriend gets a drink from the bar. I decide to follow him. He orders a "J & B on the rocks. STRAIGHT." (any Bateman fans know that this is his preferred drink), using the douchiest rendition of Christian Bale's character I have ever heard. He even points at her when he says it. He downs the drink and when he gets the check, he writes 0.00 in bold on the tip line. He makes sure to hand her the receipt, and winks at her when he does it. She rolls her eyes in disgust.Then he made his way to the other side of the bar where orders another drink from another female bartender, the same exact way, including the pointing. I notice that they aren't even giving him J& B (I don't think they carry it), but some other cheap scotch. He doesn't notice anyway. 0.00 Tip Bold, given with a wink. I see him bust out his cellphone to take a picture of his accomplishment. Wow.
He heads outside, bragging about how he just "owned" the bartender. He shouts: "Bitches like assholes, so I'll be an asshole. 0 tip baby! Yeah I showed that bitch, she probably wants me now so bad!" Derrick and me try to convince him that there is a big difference between being an alpha male and being a raging asshole, but he doesn't listen. In fact, he steps it up a notch. Some cute girls come walking out the door, and he shouts at them: "You girls are drunk, I'm calling the cops!" but they ignore him and keep walking. Determined to be heard, he screams "...and you're fat too. Stupid fat whores!". This ticks the skinnier one off and she walks up to him (his back was turned to her) and says, with the most terrifying grimace I have seen on a woman, "What did you say? Who are you talking to?!". I see douchefriend visibly gulp and whisper "Nothing. I'm talking to myself." "That's right, you little dicked
bitch," she says. It's one thing to be an asshole, but for the love of God, at least back it up. The only thing worse than an asshole is a WANABEE asshole, who is actually just a pussy on the inside.
Douchefriend didn't talk much the rest of the night. Needless to say, Derrick changed his opinion of douchefriend.-wish I was kidding, but I'm not