a humorous extract of an email to my mother

dfagdfsh · Mar 20, 2011

pio, et al: as I've said, I'm sure my mom is worse than gqgeeks but i still would never talk to her the way he talks to his.

as fuuma posted, seek help

WhateverYouLike · Mar 20, 2011

Originally Posted by pstoller

Being disrespectful won't change anything, either. It's not only possible but infinitely preferable to impart the same knowledge and wisdom without being condescending. If there is any chance at all that your message might get through, that chance is squashed by being an ass about it. If there's no chance, then "No, thank you" allows you to quickly move on and preserve the dignity (such as it is) of both parties.

The apparent intent of the letter as written is not to help, but to humiliate and exact some sort of vengeance. There's a difference between offering someone a hand and striking them with it. That, I believe, is why people are piling on Geek. This is not to say I don't sympathize with a relationship that would drive him to express himself with such vitriol; he is not characteristically vitriolic, so I would have to assume his mother is a supreme trial for him. But, to be so hateful is to fail that trial.

I agree with the bottom half to an extent, but not necessarily that it won't change anything. Don't you feel that a letter like Geek's from a family member that you really care about would be more of a wake up call? Personally, I think it would make me reconsider how I've been living life if my son/daughter had lost all respect for me.

An unfortunate situation all around, but I don't think it's right to say with absolute certainty that GQ is being a douche and this is not the right way to handle things when the rest of us don't have a maternal relationship like his.

pstoller · Mar 20, 2011

Originally Posted by WhateverYouLike

Don't you feel that a letter like Geek's from a family member that you really care about would be more of a wake up call? Personally, I think it would make me reconsider how I've been living life if my son/daughter had lost all respect for me.
I think a letter like Geek's from anyone to anyone would generate more anger than understanding. You can tell someone you've lost respect for them without sinking to that level of hostility and snarkiness. Also, given what else Geek has said about his family situation, I don't believe he's kept his loss of respect for his mother a secret from her in the past.

Originally Posted by WhateverYouLike

I don't think it's right to say with absolute certainty that GQ is being a douche and this is not the right way to handle things when the rest of us don't have a maternal relationship like his.
It's not right to say most things (if any) with absolute certainty. But, he put the letter up here in a public forum for comments, so I don't think any honest response to it is out of line. To judge him personally would be improper, but to judge his letter isn't.

On that point, Don Carlos said it very well:

Originally Posted by Don Carlos

1) If you bombard the financially illiterate with a bunch of finance-speak, especially in written form, they will get intimidated by the language and just ignore it entirely. They require more digestible analogies.

2) If you speak condescendingly and scoldingly to people, especially your elders, they will grow emotionally defensive and ignore everything you're saying. If you want to communicate a logical point, do not couch that point in hostility, or it will be lost.

3) Be nice to your mother. Unless she beat and molested you, or left you to starve on the street corner, she deserves your love. Not necessarily your cash, but certainly a dialogue and not a lecture.
Even if you feel she's crossed the line on #3, the first two points hold. I would only add that couching an emotional point in hostility is just as ineffectual as couching a logical one that way.

Gutman · Mar 20, 2011

OP, your mum does sound like an extreme case, but nothing you say will change her at this point. Even if you can't respect her, you should still retain your own dignity and self-respect. Emails aren't forgotten like cross words: just go with the thanks but no thanks as suggested.

HgaleK · Mar 20, 2011

My dad grew up with a mother who sounds a lot like yours, and many of their conversations sounded similar. He's regretted every one of those conversations since she's passed to the point that he's a wreck on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. It sucks really badly that the person who was supposed to provide direction to you instead turns to you for help from her own problems, but you don't want to deal with these exchanges haunting you after she goes.

globetrotter · Mar 20, 2011

Originally Posted by HgaleK

My dad grew up with a mother who sounds a lot like yours, and many of their conversations sounded similar. He's regretted every one of those conversations since she's passed to the point that he's a wreck on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. It sucks really badly that the person who was supposed to provide direction to you instead turns to you for help from her own problems, but you don't want to deal with these exchanges haunting you after she goes.

+1

my dad fucked up bigtime and my sister treats him like **** now. I am convinced that one day he will die and she will feel horrible that she didn't make peace with him.

Connemara · Mar 21, 2011

Originally Posted by Douglas

this really explains a lot.

Originally Posted by Fuuma

See an analyst NOW! You have serious issues and they matter a lot more than your money.
Yep.

austerlitz · Mar 21, 2011

as I go through this thread again, it brings me back to a conversation I had with a friend, I left him with the point that if one stays bitter and your parent passes away, it will no doubt haunt your conscience,

Originally Posted by globetrotter

+1

my dad fucked up bigtime and my sister treats him like **** now. I am convinced that one day he will die and she will feel horrible that she didn't make peace with him.

West24 · Mar 21, 2011

im not judging gqgeek, just pointing that no matter what happens i always try to make peace with people before i leave them etc. if i get into a massive fight with my mom or someone i cant leave until the situation is resolved, or all i think about is i wouldnt want that to be the last time i saw the person etc. it would absolutely kill me inside. you never know the last time youre going to see someone. its funny because i actually just watched the espn 30 for 30 on divac and the yugoslovia team. divac and petrovic were best friends, when the war broke out petrovic was upset with divac about things etc and stopped the friendship. it killed divac but he was hoping that one day down the road he could sit with his former best friend and work things out. petrovic at 28 died in a car accident and it absolutely devistated divoc that he would never be able to resolve the situation.

Joffrey · Mar 21, 2011

Originally Posted by GQgeek

Context is that she's asking me to help her get a mortgage and for some cash so that she can realize some stupid investment scheme she has:

As I can't help not to add my 2 cents, I don't know what you're thinking posting that email expecting from the folks here. Without a doubt others have all sorts of issues with our parents, friends, siblings and/or significant others (lord knows I do), but many (or at least I) hesitate to post all the detail even on a mostly anonymous web forum with names left unsaid. Anyway, in poor taste particularly with a family member who may be difficult but not malicious toward you. From now on, learn to simply tune out her sillyness even if you have to be a little dissmissive instead of pouring time an energy into condescending correspondence.

FidelCashflow · Mar 24, 2011

sounds like gqgeek is at his rope's end here and that his relationship with his mom is far from your typical family unit. So in a way I can understand, it must be frustrating to watch someone self destruct for all those years - I can see why he'd have little patience for this.

That being said, slamming someone with condescending financial-speak won't convince anyone you're right. If you haven't already sent it, I would suggest deleting all that and just making it a simple "no." If someone hasn't learned financial management after 65 years - there's no way in hell they're learning now.

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a humorous extract of an email to my mother

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