I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

And it's done. Didn't see it coming the way it did, but should have.

^Sorry to hear that, man. I hope it's going ok, although from reading your forgiveness thread, it looks like it was pretty harsh.

Anyone ever get that nagging feeling that you lose some mutual friends during a breakup even if you weren't the one who did the breaking up?

She wasn't my gf, but was seeing one of my best friend's coworkers for a month and she went from HOT to COLD.. still talks with me when I've contacted her but no initiating contact on her end and now always has plans whenever I ask her out, which I know some of the times are true but if she was interested she'd at least make an attempt to see when i'm free or txt or whatever. I'm normally not too hung up on things like this but we saw a good amount of each other and I was really diggin the time we spent together and she seemed to be as well... ah well, eff females tiime to find ways to get money

Originally Posted by zissou

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^Sorry to hear that, man. I hope it's going ok, although from reading your forgiveness thread, it looks like it was pretty harsh.

It was a really bad drunk night including a kinda/sorta cheating moment (everyone defines cheating differently, but I call it kinda/sorta because she stopped as soon as it started) when a party got out of control. It was impossible/awful/unbearable for 16ish hours. I mellowed out, starting thinking about it, realized that most of the things weren't that bad, that I've done worse in my lifetime, and that she was honestly sorry about it. After that it was a matter of figuring out why I'm feeling xyz, what's to learn form it, etc. Finally it was looking at things from her perspective (super helpful advice a good friend gave me). I'm almost entirely over it now, and we've been talking, hanging out, actually having a really good time, and trying to figure out the next step. She's hoping to date again, but knows that it'll be a while until I'm down to give it another shot. It's been a hell of a learning experience. I had a few moments that I'm not too proud of during the 16 hours, but otherwise I've been pretty happy with how quickly I'm dealing with this, as opposed to dwelling on it or shoveling it aside and ignoring it.

Anyone ever get that nagging feeling that you lose some mutual friends during a breakup even if you weren't the one who did the breaking up?

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Fact of life. It's difficult not to choose sides, and people get prioritized over time. Hell- ex who I'm on good terms with and I have both lost a few over the last 3 days. A good friend of mine who used to be pretty good with her apparently keyed her car and egged her house the day after.

Sounds like it was a crazy time, but I'm glad you're coming to terms with everything. I'm still trying to decide if I actually want to be friends with my ex. Part of me wants to, because I enjoyed some of the time with her and it could help me move on, but part of me thinks it would just make things more difficult. When she broke up with me, she was very insensitive and unapologetic about it (a side of her that had caused me a fair amount of frustration), and it seemed like 'still being friends' was just a consolation perhaps so that she wouldn't feel so guilty? I had a lot of questions that she refused to answer, probably because she is incapable of conveying her feelings, especially in tense situations. All in all, I don't think she's a mean person, but it would help if we could actually talk about it all. Until she comes to me wanting to do so, I've resigned to just get on with my life. It's something I have to do, especially considering that I have a young kid. I can kind of see things from my ex's perspective, but it still doesn't make the most sense. She's freaked out about her job (tenure-track university faculty) because it's borderline as to whether the contract for her job will be renewed for a couple more years next month. That, along with her generally pessimistic and uptight nature, I think caused her to jettison everything in her life that wasn't absolutely essential for survival. What I don't understand is why, if this is the most stressful time in her life, she'd want to go through it alone. I think our mutual friends are all reasonable people, so I don't necessarily expect them to be vengeful. I'm just curious what they know about it at this point and haven't heard from a few close mutual friends. A few of our friends invited me on a Thanksgiving backpacking trip to the Grand Canyon, so I guess that's a good sign! Anyway, I better stop rambling and get back to work before you all start charging me for your time reading all of my posts in this thread

Friendships with your exes immediately after a relationship ends never work. Trust me, they don't. Don't even attempt it. You may counter with that one couple you knew who managed it, but you're not them and you won't be. They're an abberation in the pattern and the universe will soon get it's **** together and crush them for flaunting it's will.

These things never work unless you spend a decent length of time apart and live your own lives with minimal to no (preferably) contact. If you'd still get hung up seeing her with a new boyfriend or vice versa, that friendship isn't going to work.

Originally Posted by zissou

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Sounds like it was a crazy time, but I'm glad you're coming to terms with everything.
It's pretty cool. If you look back at the thread on forgiveness, Hombre Secreto's post kinda puts things where they ought to be.

I'm still trying to decide if I actually want to be friends with my ex. Part of me wants to, because I enjoyed some of the time with her and it could help me move on, but part of me thinks it would just make things more difficult. When she broke up with me, she was very insensitive and unapologetic about it (a side of her that had caused me a fair amount of frustration), and it seemed like 'still being friends' was just a consolation perhaps so that she wouldn't feel so guilty?

I had a lot of questions that she refused to answer, probably because she is incapable of conveying her feelings, especially in tense situations. All in all, I don't think she's a mean person, but it would help if we could actually talk about it all. Until she comes to me wanting to do so, I've resigned to just get on with my life. It's something I have to do, especially considering that I have a young kid.

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It sounds like you have your priorities straight and don't need the extra baggage of the ex. The less guilty feeling by being friends is something that I've seen done before, and it rarely works if that's the motivation.

I can kind of see things from my ex's perspective, but it still doesn't make the most sense. She's freaked out about her job (tenure-track university faculty) because it's borderline as to whether the contract for her job will be renewed for a couple more years next month. That, along with her generally pessimistic and uptight nature, I think caused her to jettison everything in her life that wasn't absolutely essential for survival. What I don't understand is why, if this is the most stressful time in her life, she'd want to go through it alone.

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I understand the freakout and jettison thing all too well. If that's the case, she has her own **** to deal with and you'll just be dragged in by hanging around. While it's nice to have support, people, things, etc. can feel super cloying when doing the existential crisis thing. It's also easy to get angry and blame everyone/thing else for what's going wrong in your life, and to take out anger on them to make yourself feel better (ex: midlife crisis).

I think our mutual friends are all reasonable people, so I don't necessarily expect them to be vengeful. I'm just curious what they know about it at this point and haven't heard from a few close mutual friends. A few of our friends invited me on a Thanksgiving backpacking trip to the Grand Canyon, so I guess that's a good sign!

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They may just be trying to avoid being dragged in. It may be worth dropping them a line and having a casual talk without bringing the topic up. Sure it'll be an elephant in the room, but it may be comforting to them to get that they aren't going to be involved.

Anyway, I better stop rambling and get back to work before you all start charging me for your time reading all of my posts in this thread

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Internet therapy is where it's at. Modest amounts of privacy, people willing to call any bs, and it's all free.

^^ I know you how you feel. It's best to move on. Never doubt yourself and never look back. Live your life and if the you re-connect you do and if you don't , you don't. There is no need to beat yourself up.


The Goat and I have been split for close to a year, now. The hurt is still fresh but if I didn't let go and move on I would be in such an awful place. I don't wish that on anyone.

Thanks for the straight talk, guys. Nil- the only time it's 'worked' for me is with my ex wife. But, I made it work because we have a kid.

Good point about the mutual friends, HgaleK. I'll keep things low-key with them. She definitely has her own **** to deal with, and I came to realize that it was dragging me down at times, too. I have a feeling that, if we were to spend time together at this point, I'd be pretty intolerant of her issues, personal or work-related.

Chin up, Mauro! It's funny, because even though we were only dating for a few months, I still felt like I lost track of some of the things I consider part of who I am, if that makes sense. I guess that's another good sign to just move on...

Originally Posted by Nil

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Friendships with your exes immediately after a relationship ends never work. Trust me, they don't. Don't even attempt it. You may counter with that one couple you knew who managed it, but you're not them and you won't be. They're an abberation in the pattern and the universe will soon get it's **** together and crush them for flaunting it's will.

These things never work unless you spend a decent length of time apart and live your own lives with minimal to no (preferably) contact. If you'd still get hung up seeing her with a new boyfriend or vice versa, that friendship isn't going to work.

Yup.

I haven't communicated with my last serious girlfriend since June. There are times when I want to still talk with her for silly reasons (mostly BS-type stuff), but I avoid at all costs, for the reason bolded in Nil's post. I don't know what she's up to right now and that's for the best, since I'm sure knowing she was dating/banging/jerking off someone would still hit me pretty hard.

do you delete the pictures of you together on fb?

we are still friends, i ended it awhile back but we still talk online and text. we were together for a little over a year, but the last 3 months were long distance, and that just reaffirmed the feelings i'd been having about wanting to focus on myself and figuring out my next step after graduating. i made it clear that we weren't gonna get back together. but still kinda seems like a **** you to up and delete all the pictures, no? i'm kinda on the fence about this one.

Originally Posted by zissou

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Thanks for the straight talk, guys. Nil- the only time it's 'worked' for me is with my ex wife. But, I made it work because we have a kid.
There's a reason there's the saying, "best friends become strangers." It sucks but it's just the way it is. I know you want to be a good guy and still be there for her, but it's just not worth it and will only delay the inevitable.

Originally Posted by Nil

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Friendships with your exes immediately after a relationship ends never work. Trust me, they don't. Don't even attempt it. You may counter with that one couple you knew who managed it, but you're not them and you won't be. They're an abberation in the pattern and the universe will soon get it's **** together and crush them for flaunting it's will.

These things never work unless you spend a decent length of time apart and live your own lives with minimal to no (preferably) contact. If you'd still get hung up seeing her with a new boyfriend or vice versa, that friendship isn't going to work.

This has been my general feeling for a long time, and I've seen exactly what you're talking about, but I'm going to have to get bitten ********** and learn my learn my lesson the hard way with this one.

I thought about spending the decent length of time apart thing, but realized that I'd just end up moving on entirely if I did. I wouldn't be particularly interested in friendship or dating. This is probably the way it should be, but I'd rather give it one more go before I bail.

If someone does get hurt, I think that it'll be her, which is unfortunate, because she's more eaten up about this whole thing than I am. I'm moving on very quickly. It's only been a few days and I've gotten pretty comfortable with idea of us being apart. What would cause problems here is if I decide that I don't want to get back together (this seems fairly likely at this point) and she can't deal with just being friends.

Originally Posted by shellshock

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do you delete the pictures of you together on fb?

we are still friends, i ended it awhile back but we still talk online and text. we were together for a little over a year, but the last 3 months were long distance, and that just reaffirmed the feelings i'd been having about wanting to focus on myself and figuring out my next step after graduating. i made it clear that we weren't gonna get back together. but still kinda seems like a **** you to up and delete all the pictures, no? i'm kinda on the fence about this one.

Kind of depends on the nature of the pictures. I mean, if they're super-romantic, I think it'd be a good idea to go ahead and delete them. If it's just a bunch of innocent pics of you guys hanging out, I don't think it'd hurt to leave them be. Though whatever you end up doing, I'm sure he will understand and won't take it personally.

Originally Posted by shellshock

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do you delete the pictures of you together on fb?

we are still friends, i ended it awhile back but we still talk online and text. we were together for a little over a year, but the last 3 months were long distance, and that just reaffirmed the feelings i'd been having about wanting to focus on myself and figuring out my next step after graduating. i made it clear that we weren't gonna get back together. but still kinda seems like a **** you to up and delete all the pictures, no? i'm kinda on the fence about this one.

I didn't take mine down, profile pics included, and I have a new girl.