Give your best advice to an expecting father

There is a lot of great advice here and it is stated much better than I ever could.

My advice to you or any soon to be father particularly those who are not sure if they are ready to be fathers is to relax and you will develop that connection with your child. I have had a number of friends who were concerned about being a father, they were never around babies much and weren't sure they knew how to handle them or what to do with them. I told all of them that unless they are a complete sociopath they will develop a deep connection with their children that they never thought possible. Some men develop it as soon as their children are born and for others it takes a few weeks or even a few months, but one day you will wake up and realize that they are the most important thing in your lives and you would do anything to love them and protect them. Don't worry if your wife seems to connect with them sooner than you. Do what you can to make her life easier, that in turn will make your life easier.

Congratulations! Good luck.

Originally Posted by gdl203

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Special question for the NYC dads (e.g. romafan and others): do I need to own a car now? Can I survive with cabs and occasional zipcars?

I should note that all the grandparents and family members live overseas so there wouldn't be a lot of weekends at grandpa and grandma

You can survive. But sooner or later (who are we kidding - sooner!) you will find yourself in a situation where you think 'JHC, this would be a hell of a lot easier if we had a car!' No weekend house or local GPs will help delay this realization. Unfortunately, subways are not the best option early on. So you hail a cab w/ your pile of gear, two squirming skootniks and your brand new car seats. The first time you go to buckle in a car seat and slide your hand between the cab's backseat cushions...

As they get older you'll find that weekend activities are necessary - trips to the Cloisters, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, Bronx Zoo, etc., are very hard to pull off if you're relying on cabs.

Originally Posted by romafan

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As they get older you'll find that weekend activities are necessary - trips to the Cloisters, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, Bronx Zoo, etc., are very hard to pull off if you're relying on cabs.

I completely agree. I'm a zipcar member and I'm just wondering if it's a viable option. The mere cost of monthly garage for a car in my neighborhood (around $500) buys me about 30 hours of zipcar usage per month. That's about 8 hours per weekend.

Considering I don't have to worry about mechanical problems/costs, insurance, or - the obvious - the actual expenditure of buying a car, it does seem like a decent option... The problem is when you start to think about overnight/multi-day trips etc... then zipcar becomes very expensive. Also, one downside is not being able to keep your carseats/bases in the car, along with other stuff you would like to keep int he trunk.

Zip sounds good from a $$$ perspective. I will say that proper installation of (two!) car seats can be a vexing task. Skinned knuckles and back cramps aside, once I got mine in and was satisfied the tilt, tension, etc. I swore I'd never take them out. Of course baby B threw up all over one of them the first trip out. Some people are happy snap them in and hope for the best. We visited the state(?) inspector down by city hall who had some good pointers. She said 90% of the seats she sees are improperly installed....

My greatest joys are my 10 year old and 10 month old boys. The only advice I would give is to let them be boys for as long as possible, I see so many kids by the age of 3 involved in language courses, advanced calculus, 6 different forms of martial arts etc etc that I wonder if they ever have time to just be a kid. Also, experience everything with them. I like to know every class my son is taking, what books they are using, I know the plots and characters of all his favorite TV shows, I coach his BB team etc., I feel like I am growing up again along side him.

Originally Posted by edmorel

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My greatest joys are my 10 year old and 10 month old boys. The only advice I would give is to let them be boys for as long as possible, I see so many kids by the age of 3 involved in language courses, advanced calculus, 6 different forms of martial arts etc etc that I wonder if they ever have time to just be a kid. Also, experience everything with them. I like to know every class my son is taking, what books they are using, I know the plots and characters of all his favorite TV shows, I coach his BB team etc., I feel like I am growing up again along side him.

"Oh, dad... that's so sweet!"

Hang in there!

Originally Posted by Fuuma

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Hang in there!

Oh I'm very upbeat about the whole thing. Despite the warnings and understanding the challenges, I'm really looking forward to meeting these guys and expanding our quirky family.

Originally Posted by romafan

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Zip sounds good from a $$$ perspective. I will say that proper installation of (two!) car seats can be a vexing task. Skinned knuckles and back cramps aside, once I got mine in and was satisfied the tilt, tension, etc. I swore I'd never take them out. Of course baby B threw up all over one of them the first trip out.

Some people are happy snap them in and hope for the best. We visited the state(?) inspector down by city hall who had some good pointers. She said 90% of the seats she sees are improperly installed....

think about how (if) your wife will use it. there will be a time, just before the boys can walk, where the two of them will be just barely all your wife can carry. add to that two car seats (if she has to come out of the house with the kids and the seats and put them into the car each time she uses the car) it will be impossible for her. it may be that you can forsee no good reason for her to need to drive the kids without you, after all you are in NYC, so that might not be an issue.

Originally Posted by globetrotter

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think about how (if) your wife will use it. there will be a time, just before the boys can walk, where the two of them will be just barely all your wife can carry. add to that two car seats (if she has to come out of the house with the kids and the seats and put them into the car each time she uses the car) it will be impossible for her. it may be that you can forsee no good reason for her to need to drive the kids without you, after all you are in NYC, so that might not be an issue.

All good points but I think we'll try to keep things in the neighborhood as much as possible (stroll around) and also my wife is planning to go back to work so she will not be the one spending the day with them. On the weekends, it will be the two of us so we can split the load a little bit.

Originally Posted by edmorel

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I feel like I am growing up again along side him.
I forgot about this part. You can expect it. I was a pretty stony twentysomething. I probably went fifteen years without crying or experiencing much in the way of overwhelming emotion. All this comes back to me with the first kid. I was not prepared for it. There's something about listening to a child cry and cry and cry, and then cry some more, that flips a switch, and then I was suddenly emotional all over again, like I had been (like we all are) as a child. Not all the time -- just periods of it. This is another reason for sleeping when they sleep -- you want to experience as much as you can alongside the baby. This way you will be much better tuned into his needs. If the baby - uh babies in your case - wake up from a solid, peaceful three-hour nap, and so do you, then you are much more able to sympathize with them. Such as, Hey, I think I'll take a piss now. And you know what, I'm hungry. Sleep when they sleep, eat when they eat, all that will help you anticipate the problems the babies will be having & then you will take better care of them & then you will have less hard times. Even now, if I'm all tired and my kids (about 5 yo) are juiced up and ready to go, it can be hard to relate to their enthusiasm for things & then I'm more or less a jerk in their eyes for not sharing the mood. You want to be on the same page as your kids as much as possible. It makes the experience better and easier.

after lurking here for a while I must say that its nice to see people like ed morel talking about how much their kids mean to them.

congratulations and best of luck.

Originally Posted by globetrotter

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G, IIRC, you are having two boys, right? I have some great advice for you for when they are about 3, that you probrably don't want to hear now. remind me then.

No, please share. I barely survived the 2s.

Don't tell your kids you vote Democrat because they'll never respect you again. If you must vote with your vagine, keep that **** a secret brah.

Well, I have two kids now (3 1/2 and 1) and am a twin myself. Agree 100% with the advice given, but would add:

1) forget about sex for a good year after the birth - you will get some on occaision, but even you will decide that an extra 30 min of sleep is more enjoyable than busting a nut.

2) establish a routine that the kids look forward to. Kids like certainity as it gives order to their world. It can be as simple as reading them a story for bedtime or bathtime. My oldest would sit and watch Meet the Press with me and is already politically savvy.

3) Since you have twins, be careful about treating them as the same person. They will have different personalities - accept that. Don't compare them to each other or force them to do the same thing just because it is easier on you. My brother loved baseball while I didn't but my parents forced us to play little league. IN protest, I would sit down in the outfield (everyone got playing time) or I would stand in the batter's box and not swing (led the team in strikeouts ). Let them develop their own sense of self and you will avoid all of the fights in the future.

4) buy extra carseats for your inlaws and anyone else that will be moving your children around. In my prior job, I had litigation cases involving children injured when they were not strapped in properly. Extra carseats say you the hassle of trying to unswitch and reinstall them in the cold and dark. Also - buy the Britax brand. They are twice as expensive but ******* worth it. The design of the straps and hooks is something of simple wonders!

5) Be prepared to get sick. often. Kids are human petri dishes. I am suffering from a cold right now because of the youngest one.

6) Don't drink hot coffee/tea around the kids or while holding them. I have burn marks to prove it.

7) HAVE FUN - the time goes quickly!!!!