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Your favorite Jokes?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    A pretty young blond goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic
    >pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
    >
    >
    >The sign says: "Sex Frogs ! Guaranteed to satisfy any woman. Only R50 each
    >!
    >
    >
    >Satisfaction or money refunded. Comes with complete instructions."
    >
    >
    >The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
    >
    >
    >She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
    >
    >
    >The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
    >
    >
    >The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
    >
    >
    >As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions
    >and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
    >
    >
    > 1. Take a shower.
    >
    >
    > 2. Splash on some nice perfume.
    >
    >
    > 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
    >
    >
    > 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the
    >frog to follow its training.
    >
    >
    >She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
    >happens!
    >
    >
    >The girl is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the
    >instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you
    >have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
    >
    >
    >So, she calls the pet store.
    >
    >
    >The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her
    >doorbell.
    >
    >
    >The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to
    >the instructions.. the damn thing just sits there."
    >
    >
    >The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
    >its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me ! I'm only going to show you how
    >to do this one more time."


    _______


    An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
    >As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
    >She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
    >He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
    >going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring
    >calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
    >my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
    >She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
    >soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
    >think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
    >about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
    >The two sat sipping in silence.
    >A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
    >and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
    >He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
    >
     
  2. California Dreamer

    California Dreamer Senior member

    Messages:
    5,541
    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Location:
    Melbourne
    A guy arrives home from work to be greeted at the door by his wife. She's wearing red lipstick, sexy black underwear and is holding a rope. "Tie me up honey" she purrs "and you can do anything you want".

    So he tied her up and went fishing.
     
  3. Faded501s

    Faded501s Senior member

    Messages:
    1,265
    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    "Trebek, you know what the difference is between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore!"

    [​IMG] These are all too funny!

    Supposedly this is the "worlds' funniest" and, being a hunter, I got a laugh out of it:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
     
  4. Ivan Kipling

    Ivan Kipling Senior member

    Messages:
    2,114
    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    What happened to the midget at the nudist camp?
    He got clubbed down, while they were doing the twist.

    What did they tell the midget at the nudist camp?
    Keep your nose out of other people's business.

    A woman is at a sold out theater on opening night; the seat next to her remains empty. An usher asks the woman if she has any info, regarding the empty seat: 'that was for my husband, Milton. He couldn't make it.'
    'Well, couldn't have you asked a friend to take his place? This is such an important show.'
    'I did. They're all at Milton's wake.'
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Active Member

    Messages:
    41
    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2007
    Two blonds are sitting on the porch on a warm evening marveling at the moon when one says to the other:

    "What do you think is closer, Florida or the moon?"

    "DUH!! can you SEE Florida?"



    A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a young boy. The preist says to the rabbi:

    "Hey rabbi, you wanna screw him?"

    "Sure! ..out of what?"



    What's the difference between Neil Armstong and Michael Jackson?

    One walked on the moon and the other fucks little boys in the ass! [​IMG]
     
  6. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
  7. GoSurface

    GoSurface Senior member

    Messages:
    8,488
    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2007
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    Why did the blond have sex with the Mexican?

    Because her English teacher told her to do an Essay.

    [​IMG]
     
  8. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240Z, but he wants it repainted to read 240-S

    The dealer asks, "Why?"

    The snail replies, "S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

    Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

    The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
     
  9. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    First-year students at Yale Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."[​IMG]
     
  10. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby with a red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle. The wagon is being pulled by a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, and notices that the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little girl," the firefighter says, "I think if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
     
  11. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.

    Then suddenly a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.

    As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.

    Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"

    Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."

    Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"
     
  12. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Juan.
     
  13. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis. [​IMG]
     
  14. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    Q: Why don't the French ever eat two eggs?
    A: Because to them, one egg is un oeuf.
     
  15. Brad

    Brad Senior member

    Messages:
    2,297
    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Location:
    Beyond Thunderdome
    Tony's boss was having a mood party on Firday night and told Tony to bring along his brother Bobby.

    Tony: What's a mood party boss?
    Boss: You know, you dress up like a mood. If your sad paint your face blue.
    Tony: I get it.

    Tony goes home and explains the party to Bobby and asks him if he wants to go.

    Bobby: Sure, but what the hell kind of moods are we going to go as?
    Tony: Let me think. We got any of the custard left in the fridge?
    Bobby. Yeah, why?
    Tony: We got any pears left in the fridge?
    Booby: Yeah, why?
    Tony: Tell you what. You cut a hole in the middle of that pear and stick your dong in it. I'm gonna get the custard, stick my jimmy in it and we'll to this party as some moods.

    They go to Boss's house that night for the party. They ring the door bell.

    Boss: Jesus Christ, Tony. I told you this was a mood party, not a nude party. What the fuck?
    Tony:Boss, we are moods - Bobby's deep in dis pear and I'm fuckin dis custard.[​IMG]
     
  16. juniper

    juniper Senior member

    Messages:
    379
    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    A guy arrives home from work to be greeted at the door by his wife. She's wearing red lipstick, sexy black underwear and is holding a rope. "Tie me up honey" she purrs "and you can do anything you want".

    So he tied her up and went fishing.


    A very similar one:

    A man comes home and says "Honey, I've won the lottery. Pack your bags!". She says "What should I pack?". He says "I don't care. Just pack and get the fuck out of here."
     
  17. Thomas

    Thomas Senior member

    Messages:
    29,119
    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2006
    Location:
    Texas
    A young British boy goes up to his sister.
    "Sis, We've supported England football all these years, but I think Ireland has a great squad this year. Give me 20 pounds for a Ireland shirt"
    His sister slaps him and tells him "Don't you speak that garbage in this house ever again!"
    An hour later he goes to his mother.
    "Mum, We've supported England football all these years, but I think Ireland has a great squad this year. Give me 20 pounds for a Ireland shirt"
    His mom spanks him hard and tells him "Don't you talk that garbage in this house again!"
    His father comes home from work. The boy approaches...
    "Mum, We've supported England football all these years, but I think Ireland has a great squad this year. Give me 20 pounds for a Ireland shirt"
    His dad takes him to the shed behind the house and swats him for half an hour.

    Later on at dinner, father asks son "well, what did you learn today?"
    Son says, "I've been an Ireland supporter for only one day and I already hate you English bastards!"
     
  18. Juaninn

    Juaninn Member

    Messages:
    8
    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Hopefully this one hasn't been posted...

    What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the police?

    A small medium at large
     
  19. trogdor

    trogdor Senior member

    Messages:
    521
    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Location:
    The People's Republic of Cork
    I wonder how many will get this:

    Why did the lion get lost?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Because Jungle is massive.
     

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