Your favorite Jokes?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Senior member

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    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

    "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

    The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

    Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
     


  2. GQgeek

    GQgeek Senior member

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    A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
    St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
    The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
    St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum [​IMG]


    lol
     


  3. chrysalid

    chrysalid Senior member

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    What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a women's track team?

    One's a bunch of cunning runts.

    [​IMG]


    What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

    One's a cunning array of stunts.


    What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

    A wonkey.


    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.


    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

    Still no idea.


    What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

    Cliff.


    What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

    Doug.


    What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

    Douglas.


    What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

    Claude.


    What do you call a camel with three humps?

    Humphrey.


    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.


    What's pink, flat and fishy?

    A pink flat fish.


    What's pink and plays the piano?

    Elton's John.


    What's brown and sings?

    Kate's Bush.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because the parrots ate'm all.


    What's E.T. short for?

    Because he's got little legs.


    A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


    What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

    A duck filled fatty puss.

    ad nauseum.
     


  4. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Senior member

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    HAHA AWESOME....great collection [​IMG]

    What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

    One's a cunning array of stunts.


    What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

    A wonkey.


    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.


    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

    Still no idea.


    What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

    Cliff.


    What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

    Doug.


    What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

    Douglas.


    What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

    Claude.


    What do you call a camel with three humps?

    Humphrey.


    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.


    What's pink, flat and fishy?

    A pink flat fish.


    What's pink and plays the piano?

    Elton's John.


    What's brown and sings?

    Kate's Bush.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because the parrots ate'm all.


    What's E.T. short for?

    Because he's got little legs.


    A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


    What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

    A duck filled fatty puss.

    ad nauseum.
     


  5. rdawson808

    rdawson808 Senior member

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    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

    "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

    The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

    Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.



    That is the definition of ironic.

    b
     


  6. Thomas

    Thomas Senior member

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    this blond coyote got caught in a trap, chewed three of her legs off, and was still stuck.
     


  7. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    At the most recent Nobel Prize ceremony, a group of scientists were gathered around after the award, discussing various things that scientists tend to discuss.


    They somehow arrive at the topic of the anatomy of a man's penis.


    An American scientist says "The head is wider than the shaft so the man receives pleasure during sex and guarantees the survival of his species."


    The French scientist says "No no no, that is all wrong. It is wider so the woman receives pleasure during sex, and guarantees the survival of her species."


    The Polish scientist butts in and says "You guys are both wrong! It's so your hand doesn't slip off and hit you in the face when you masturbate!"
     


  8. redcaimen

    redcaimen Bigtime

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    A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
     


  9. psycho1964

    psycho1964 Member

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    In the WSJ today:

    from comedien Brian Regan: You know who I feel bad for? The Arab-American who truly want to get into crop-dusting.

    from comedien Michael Jr.: Someone asked me if I'm pro-gay. I'm not pro-gay or amateur gay. I didn't even know they had a league.

    from comedien Lord Carrett: on having an ultra-relegious sister: God actually spoke to her, He said, "I need my space"
     


  10. johnapril

    johnapril Senior member

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    "My mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe."

    -Eddie Murphy, Delirious
     


  11. thinman

    thinman Senior member

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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by thinman
    A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
    St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
    The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
    St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum

    lol


    Glad somebody liked it!![​IMG]
     


  12. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Senior member

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    A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
    [​IMG]
     


  13. thinman

    thinman Senior member

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    What do you call a two legged cow?

    Lean Beef....


    What do you call a no legged cow???


    Ground Beef.....
    K



    Where do you get dragon milk?







    From a short-legged cow.
     


  14. thinman

    thinman Senior member

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    What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?






    One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other's a blimp.






    You make the call.
     


  15. Soph

    Soph Senior member

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    Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

    Scared the hell out of the dog.[​IMG]
     


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