Your favorite Jokes?

[Toiletduck]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

 

[GQgeek]

Originally Posted by thinman

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum

lol

 

[chrysalid]

Originally Posted by Nantucket Red

What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a women's track team?

One's a bunch of cunning runts.

What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

One's a cunning array of stunts.


What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.


What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.


What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

Cliff.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug.


What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas.


What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

Claude.


What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.


What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What's pink, flat and fishy?

A pink flat fish.


What's pink and plays the piano?

Elton's John.


What's brown and sings?

Kate's Bush.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots ate'm all.


What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.


A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck filled ***** puss.

ad nauseum.

 

[Toiletduck]

HAHA AWESOME....great collection

Originally Posted by chrysalid

What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

One's a cunning array of stunts.


What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.


What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.


What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

Cliff.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug.


What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas.


What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

Claude.


What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.


What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What's pink, flat and fishy?

A pink flat fish.


What's pink and plays the piano?

Elton's John.


What's brown and sings?

Kate's Bush.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots ate'm all.


What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.


A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck filled ***** puss.

ad nauseum.

 

[rdawson808]

Originally Posted by Toiletduck

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.


That is the definition of ironic.

b

 

[Thomas]

this blond coyote got caught in a trap, chewed three of her legs off, and was still stuck.

 

[VMan]

At the most recent Nobel Prize ceremony, a group of scientists were gathered around after the award, discussing various things that scientists tend to discuss.


They somehow arrive at the topic of the anatomy of a man's penis.


An American scientist says "The head is wider than the shaft so the man receives pleasure during sex and guarantees the survival of his species."


The French scientist says "No no no, that is all wrong. It is wider so the woman receives pleasure during sex, and guarantees the survival of her species."


The Polish scientist butts in and says "You guys are both wrong! It's so your hand doesn't slip off and hit you in the face when you masturbate!"

 

[redcaimen]

A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.

 

[psycho1964]

In the WSJ today:

from comedien Brian Regan: You know who I feel bad for? The Arab-American who truly want to get into crop-dusting.

from comedien Michael Jr.: Someone asked me if I'm pro-gay. I'm not pro-gay or amateur gay. I didn't even know they had a league.

from comedien Lord Carrett: on having an ultra-relegious sister: God actually spoke to her, He said, "I need my space"

 

[johnapril]

"My mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe."

-Eddie Murphy, Delirious

 

[thinman]

Originally Posted by GQgeek

Quote:
Originally Posted by thinman
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum

lol

Glad somebody liked it!!

 

[lawyerdad]

Originally Posted by redcaimen

A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.

 

[thinman]

Originally Posted by VKK3450

What do you call a two legged cow?

Lean Beef....


What do you call a no legged cow???


Ground Beef.....
K


Where do you get dragon milk?







From a short-legged cow.

 

[thinman]

What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?






One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other's a blimp.






You make the call.

 

[Soph]

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

Scared the hell out of the dog.