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Your favorite Jokes?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,547
    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2006
    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

    "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

    The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

    Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
     
  2. GQgeek

    GQgeek Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    17,933
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2002
    Location:
    Canuckistan
    A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
    St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
    The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
    St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum [​IMG]


    lol
     
  3. chrysalid

    chrysalid Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    542
    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2006
    Location:
    UK
    What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a women's track team?

    One's a bunch of cunning runts.

    [​IMG]


    What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

    One's a cunning array of stunts.


    What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

    A wonkey.


    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.


    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

    Still no idea.


    What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

    Cliff.


    What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

    Doug.


    What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

    Douglas.


    What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

    Claude.


    What do you call a camel with three humps?

    Humphrey.


    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.


    What's pink, flat and fishy?

    A pink flat fish.


    What's pink and plays the piano?

    Elton's John.


    What's brown and sings?

    Kate's Bush.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because the parrots ate'm all.


    What's E.T. short for?

    Because he's got little legs.


    A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


    What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

    A duck filled fatty puss.

    ad nauseum.
     
  4. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,547
    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2006
    HAHA AWESOME....great collection [​IMG]

    What's the difference between the circus and the Can-Can (or New Labour, or the Bush admininstration etc etc)?

    One's a cunning array of stunts.


    What d'you call a donkey with three legs?

    A wonkey.


    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.


    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

    Still no idea.


    What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?

    Cliff.


    What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

    Doug.


    What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

    Douglas.


    What do you call a man with scratches down his face?

    Claude.


    What do you call a camel with three humps?

    Humphrey.


    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.


    What's pink, flat and fishy?

    A pink flat fish.


    What's pink and plays the piano?

    Elton's John.


    What's brown and sings?

    Kate's Bush.


    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because the parrots ate'm all.


    What's E.T. short for?

    Because he's got little legs.


    A friend of mine's a cat burglar - He sands down their paws and resprays them.


    What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

    A duck filled fatty puss.

    ad nauseum.
     
  5. rdawson808

    rdawson808 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,226
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2005
    Location:
    The Capital
    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

    "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

    The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

    Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.



    That is the definition of ironic.

    b
     
  6. Thomas

    Thomas Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    29,119
    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2006
    Location:
    Texas
    this blond coyote got caught in a trap, chewed three of her legs off, and was still stuck.
     
  7. VMan

    VMan Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,103
    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    At the most recent Nobel Prize ceremony, a group of scientists were gathered around after the award, discussing various things that scientists tend to discuss.


    They somehow arrive at the topic of the anatomy of a man's penis.


    An American scientist says "The head is wider than the shaft so the man receives pleasure during sex and guarantees the survival of his species."


    The French scientist says "No no no, that is all wrong. It is wider so the woman receives pleasure during sex, and guarantees the survival of her species."


    The Polish scientist butts in and says "You guys are both wrong! It's so your hand doesn't slip off and hit you in the face when you masturbate!"
     
  8. redcaimen

    redcaimen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,092
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2006
    A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
     
  9. psycho1964

    psycho1964 Member

    Messages:
    15
    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2006
    Location:
    Staten Island, NY
    In the WSJ today:

    from comedien Brian Regan: You know who I feel bad for? The Arab-American who truly want to get into crop-dusting.

    from comedien Michael Jr.: Someone asked me if I'm pro-gay. I'm not pro-gay or amateur gay. I didn't even know they had a league.

    from comedien Lord Carrett: on having an ultra-relegious sister: God actually spoke to her, He said, "I need my space"
     
  10. johnapril

    johnapril Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,663
    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2004
    "My mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe."

    -Eddie Murphy, Delirious
     
  11. thinman

    thinman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,926
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2005
    Location:
    USA
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by thinman
    A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
    St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
    The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
    St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum

    lol


    Glad somebody liked it!![​IMG]
     
  12. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    21,813
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2006
    A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on one foot. The bartender asks, what do you want? Dog says, Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
    [​IMG]
     
  13. thinman

    thinman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,926
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2005
    Location:
    USA
    What do you call a two legged cow?

    Lean Beef....


    What do you call a no legged cow???


    Ground Beef.....
    K



    Where do you get dragon milk?







    From a short-legged cow.
     
  14. thinman

    thinman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,926
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2005
    Location:
    USA
    What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?






    One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other's a blimp.






    You make the call.
     
  15. Soph

    Soph Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,149
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2006
    Location:
    Bologna, Italy
    Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

    Scared the hell out of the dog.[​IMG]
     
  16. Fabienne

    Fabienne Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,030
    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Here's an old one:

    Two sperms are going along side by side. One says to the other: "How long till we get to the uterus?" The other responds: "We've got a ways to go, we just passed the tonsils."
     
  17. FLMountainMan

    FLMountainMan Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    13,923
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Location:
    McAnally Flats
    What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?

    One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other's a blimp.

    You make the call.


    "Trebek, you know what the difference is between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore!"
     
  18. wldthistle

    wldthistle Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    46
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2006
    For Completeness:

    What do you call a cow with three legs?

    Tri-tip.
     
  19. edmorel

    edmorel Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    25,669
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2006
    Location:
    NYC
    "Trebek, you know what the difference is between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore!"

    I don't know why, but I just love the punchline [​IMG] [​IMG]


    Here is my contribution:

    A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
     
  20. denning

    denning Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,292
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

    Crabs on your organ.
     

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