Your favorite Jokes?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. mrpologuy

    mrpologuy Senior member

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    A French research group decides to study the people of the world and classify them into groups. They came up with 3 groups of people: Those we can count and those who can't.[​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     


  2. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

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    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are at the gates to heaven. The Irishman rings the bell and says to the... no wait; there's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman at... no wait; oh, fuck it...
     


  3. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

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    my favourite punchlines:

    'wear the fox hat'

    'I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist!'

    [​IMG]
     


  4. sho'nuff

    sho'nuff grrrrrrrr!!

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    this is because i play piano:


    A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, "Granted." The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says "That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks." The man replied, "What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?"
     


  5. tiecollector

    tiecollector Senior member

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    How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

    Well it ain't hard!
     


  6. Charley

    Charley Senior member

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    Just remember, there are a few things you can only discuss on Thanksgiving!

    1. Talk about a huge breast!

    2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

    3. It's Cool Whip time!

    4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

    5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

    6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

    7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

    8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

    9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

    10. Don't play with your meat.

    11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

    12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

    13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

    14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

    15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

    16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

    17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

    18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

    19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
     


  7. thinman

    thinman Senior member

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    A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
    St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says "Congratulations! You're the oldest human being on record!
    The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I was only 31 when I stepped in front of a bus."
    St. Peter: "But according to your billable hours, you're 183 years old!!" Ba-dum-bum [​IMG]
     


  8. DocHolliday

    DocHolliday Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    A traveling salesman is walking down a dusty road in a small town when he accidentally steps on a beehive. An angry bee flies up his trouser leg and stings him right on the tip of his business. In a panic, he runs down the road to the nearest pharmacy. By the time he gets there, his bit has swollen to five times its normal size. Now frenzied, he yanks down his fly and shows the lady behind the counter. "What can you give me for this?" he cries.

    Without hesitation, the woman replies, "How about the store, a '57 Packard and $500 in cash?"




    .
     


  9. Alter

    Alter Senior member

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    A man walks into a bar......KLANG!
     


  10. nerdykarim

    nerdykarim Senior member

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    A man walks into a bar......KLANG!

    This is one of my favorite bar jokes. The version with which I'm familiar goes like "two men walked into a bar...the third one ducked."
     


  11. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Senior member

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    I like those type of jokes.

    "3 Barmaids, a doctor and a Nurse walk into a bar,
    the bartender asks them, "what is this? a joke?""
     


  12. Alter

    Alter Senior member

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    I like those type of jokes.

    "3 Barmaids, a doctor and a Nurse walk into a bar,
    the bartender asks them, "what is this? a joke?""


    Nice!

    Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... a talking muffin!"
     


  13. trogdor

    trogdor Senior member

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    The People's Republic of Cork
    A guy is driving around Kerry when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yes," the Lab replies.
    "So, what's the story?"
    The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    "Ten Euro," the man says.
    "Ten Euro? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things"
     


  14. Charley

    Charley Senior member

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    This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!



    Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

    When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

    At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

    This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

    An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

    You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back, again.

    Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.

    ----------------------
    Bill Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Billy Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Billie Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    B Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    William Jefferson Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    W Jefferson Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 1001

    W Jeff Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    W J Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    W Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    William J Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Willem Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Wilhelm Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Billy Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York , NY 10017

    Willie Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York , NY 10017

    Will Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Mr Hillary Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017
     


  15. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

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    more of a 'line' than a joke:

    I once went out with a Swedish model. When I touched her Volvo, she Saabed.
     


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