Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.
?Great for dinner and social events among friends?
You see an attorney and a politician drown. However, you can only rescue one. What do you do? Go for lunch or read the newspaper?
There was a neighborhood of catholics where every Friday night they all sat to a dinner of fish. Except the lone protestant, who grilled a steak every Friday.
The catholics banded together and decided to convert the protestant. So it happened that the protestant was baptized in a ceremony that ended with the priest sprinkling water on the new catholic, chanting the words "You were born protestant, you were raised protestant, now you are a catholic"
Friday night rolls around and the catholics smell steak. They gather outside the griller's back yard to see him sprinkling steak sauce and chanting "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, now you're a fish"
A woman is seated at an opening night performance of a long awaited, sold out, production. The chair next to this woman, is empty. An usher asks the lady if she's expecting someone, to fill the seat. 'That was for my husband, Harold,' she explains. 'But he passed away.'
The usher, follows up: 'Oh, that's too bad. But this is such an important opening. Couldn't you have invited a friend, to keep you company?'
'I tried,' answers the woman, with a shrug. 'They're all at Harold's wake.'
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
What did they tell the midget at the nudist camp?
Keep your nose out of other peoples' business.
I was walking along a bridge when I saw a man about to jump. I stopped and tried to talk him out of it - "You've got something to live for, right? You believe in God, don't you?
"Well, yes, I do" says the man
"That's great - so do I. Say, are you catholic or baptist" I ask
"Baptist" he says
"That's great - so am I. We're like brothers! Are you southern baptist or northern baptist?"
"Southern Baptist" he says
"That's great - so am I. Are you southern baptist reformer or southern baptist council of 1814?"
He says "southern baptist reformer"
and I push him off the bridge and scream "Die, heretic!"
3 Guys are sitting by a Campfire talking about how tough they are.
1st Guy says, I'm so tough I once fell out of an airplane, landed in a lake, swam 5 miles to get out, than lived off the wild for a month to survive.
2nd Guy says, That's tough, but I'm tougher, I once saved an old man and woman, their daughter, son'inlaw and their dog KoKO froma pack of wolves with nothing but my bare hands and a swiss armny knife. Let's just say this coat I have on is from the Wolfpack's leader.
3rd Guy, *silence* looks at the other 2 guys and continues to stir the fire with his dick.
From The Sloane Ranger Handbook:
An Etonian, a Wykehamist and a Harrovian are at a party and there's not enough chairs.
The Etonian says, "Get me a chair for my girlfriend."
The Wykehamist fetches him a chair.
The Harrovian sits in it.
Not fit for mixed company, but:
A woman on the board of a large city hospital is touring the hospital with its chief of staff. As they pass by one room, she sees a man masturbating in full view of everyone in the hall.
The woman says, "that's despicable - what kind of hospital are you running here?"
The doctor answers, "that man has a very serious condition - unless he relieves himself five times a day, he could suffer a fatal seizure."
The woman appears to accept this explanation, but in the very next room they pass, she sees a nurse giving another patient a blow job, again in full view of everyone in the hall.
The woman, aghast, exclaims, "and just how would you explain that!?"
The doctor replies, "oh, that man has the same condition, he just has better insurance."
Irish man goes for a job on a building site.
Foreman asks him, 'What's your name?'
Foreman says, 'How d'you spell it?'
'Stick the job up your arse!'
Another Irish man goes for a job on a building site, the foreman asks him,
'Can you make a brew of tea?'
'Of course I can', says Paddy
Foreman asks, 'Can you drive a stacker truck?'
'How big's the f**king tea pot!', says Paddy
and to redress the balance:
Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
Foreman asks, 'Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?'
'Of course,' says Paddy. 'Girder wrote Faust and Joist wrote Ulysses.'
Patient leaves doctor's office, while walking down stairs he is talking aloud: "What the heck did he say? Aquarius? No. Capricorn? Nope that's not it. Oven??? Oh, damn it!"
He turns around and briskly walks back up and rings a bell.
Doctor opens the door.
Doctor: "Yes? What is it?"
Patient: "Doctor! What did you say it was? Capricorn or Aquarius?"
Doctor: I said: "Cancer!"
Did you hear about the Midget who joined a nudest colony?
He was clubbed to death...
What does an 80 year olds pussy taste like?
detail escapes me but something about a repressed homosexual vice cop putting the 'cuffs on....
Separate names with a comma.