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When dining alone, is it rude to breathe?

FLMountainMan

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Something I'm debating on personally....

When dining alone at a fine establishment (not necessarily French Laundry, but definitely a nicer local place) with the goal of having a leisurely lunch, is it rude to breathe? What about coughing? Should I just let the food stay lodged in my throat? What about excusing yourself to use the restroom? Should I just wear adult diapers when dining out?

These are all things I've seen people doing lately - and admittedly, am tempted to do myself. After all, what can be better than duck fat fries and maintaining a shred of self-respect? The one thing that stops me is that I'm concerned the waiter or the chef may think I am sighing when I breathe, may think I am coughing because the foods bad, or think I am going to the restroom to puke up his food. I really would rather them not notice me for any reason whatsoever.

Opinions?
 

Hombre Secreto

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If you're exhaling from your ass... yes.
 

edinatlanta

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Good questions. I've always imagined when I am forced to dine alone that if I move anythinig other than my hands and arms to eat, I will be judged and thus try to avoid it.
 

Harold falcon

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It depends on where you are seated in the restaurant. If you are at a table in the corner or in a dimly lit area or otherwise not in public view then it is fine to breathe. If you are seated in a position such that other diners can see you then you are not permitted to breathe. I recommend getting one of those oxygen lines with the little tubes to stick up your nose to ensure you get enough air to continue the meal, that way no one need witness your respiration.
 

oneeightyseven

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Seriously? What in the hell would inspire you to ask such a stupid fucking question?

In a forum full of helicopter-parented nancies asking advice/approval on how to perform the most mundane of tasks, this might be the stupidest question ever asked on here.

Do you honestly think society expects you to sit there and eat, breathless, staring straight ahead for your entire meal? And if society did, would you even want to be a part of it?
 

aphextwin07

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haha, 7/10, although you should've just put it in that guy's thread. My reaction was more or less the same thing.
 

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