What's the deal with this guy in the bathroom? (Public Bathroom Etiquette)

[gomestar]

next time I'm visiting my parents, I might try to pull a joke and pour some high-suds detergent into the top of the bowl. Not sure if it will work out as conceived, but I'm up for trying and reporting back.

 

[patrickBOOTH]

Could be fun.

 

[gomestar]

ha! Coffee is awesome.

 

[patrickBOOTH]

What you have to do is pull static wrap over the toilet bowl so tight you can barely notice it so when somebody goes to piss it just splatters all over the top.

 

[gomestar]

or put a ketchup packet between the spot where the seat meets the bowl. When somebody sits down it'll be splats galore. If once is lucky, the mark's balls will be covered in ketchup.

 

[patrickBOOTH]



or put a ketchup packet between the spot where the seat meets the bowl. When somebody sits down it'll be splats galore. If once is lucky, the mark's balls will be covered in ketchup.

I would be livid if this happened to me. Only because it would probably get on my trou.

 

[gomestar]

hilarious. Now it's a must try (but not at work or home. Hmm.)

 

[patrickBOOTH]



hilarious. Now it's a must try (but not at work or home. Hmm.)

I wouldn't mind doing it at the DMV or something.

 

[gomestar]

but only to the employee bathrooms. The DMV is already miserable enough for any and all customers, might as well not ruing somebody's afternoon even more via ketchup on the balls.

 

[patrickBOOTH]



but only to the employee bathrooms. The DMV is already miserable enough for any and all customers, might as well not ruing somebody's afternoon even more via ketchup on the balls.

Of course, employee bathrooms.

Wait, maybe ketchup on the balls feels good?

 

[whochrisliu]

Now since we are reminiscing about my childhood horror stories I would like to share with you my most traumatizing memory. I have this one hidden away far and deep like Severus Snape's memory about Harry Potters mother.

Up until High School I have always attended a private school. There where many benefits of course, one in particular I took for granted was how few people there where in the bathroom. There where a total of 12 people who graduated with me in Middle School I knew them all very well. So I was never nervous about taking a dump in the restroom. This all changed when I went to High School, when there where almost 3000 people there. My first day of Freshman Year...I was terrified. It was terrible. I never seen so many people in my whole life. Now before I continue I would like to tell you when I get nervous I have...unique bowel movements. I also do not like people in the restroom while I am in my most vulnerable state, as they can see my shoes, or see me through the cracks and taking a dump was considered shameful and would subject you to ridicule. Anyways where were we...

Yes I finally made it to my first period class, and my teacher was explaining our curriculum and up came the subject of restroom passes. Its quite interesting, she was saying every semester you had 3, and that if you used 4 you would be fined with one "X" you get 3 "X's" and you have detention. While she JUST passed out the restroom passes I raised my hand and asked to go to the restroom. Now I did not tell you as this woman was going on and on about information that I found irrelevant I was secretly, silently having a massive war inside my intestines. Sheer will V.S Pure EVIL. I was amazed I lasted this far. At first she thought I was joking, you know pulling her leg. Until she saw that I was ghost white and drenched in sweat. Think of what Doc Holiday looked like in Tombstone when he was really sick. Yup that was me, she saw in my eyes that no, this was not a joke.

Briskly I walked to the restroom, which I had to find. Clenching my buttocks as hard as I could, I could hear the rumbling and gurgling of the beast within waiting to be released. Finally I come across the restroom and to my dismay there is a African American kid (Who at the time was clearly older than I was) putting in his contact lens or something. No problem I tell myself, he is probably almost done anyways right? So I play it cool you know, whistle a little jingle and go over to the mirror and pretend to check my hair (While inside Apocalypse was commencing) "Drats this Mother #$*&@($@#* is still not finished" I silently thought as I pretended to wash my hands. I had to stall for more time, so I went into the toilet and examined my work space. Since school just started the toilet was not dirty. No urine on the ground, good, I hate my pants touching the ground its disgusting. Plenty of toilet paper, and the seat did not squeak as I lowered it. I tried to stall for more time so I loudly unzipped my fly. I thought I might as well try to relieve myself, perhaps if I took a wizz this guy would feel uncomfortable and leave. This proved to be my undoing.

By urinating I let my guard slip for that split second, because I had to "unclench" to go. Midstream I knew this was not going to work, so using my tremendous PVC muscles I clenched and cut Willie off in mid stream and ripped off my pants, my bare buttocks barely touched the seat just in time as....HIROSHIMA!! Boom, and...NAGASAKI!!! BAM. Sounded like someone was popping fire crackers on Chinese New Years. The best way I can explain this is to imagine a 12 gauge shotgun firing buckshot. Now replace the shotgun nozzle with my anus, and the buckshot with my...well...you get the idea. Chk chk, BOOM, chk chk BOOM. This onslaught went on for a good 15 seconds. It really did sound like a scene from Blackhawk Down; the steady thump thump thump of a .50 caliber machine gun, with little twak twak twak's of .308 assault rifles in between. I pretty much covered the full spectrum of noises a anus can make. I got to say after though, the feeling was better than sex. (Not that I knew what that felt like back then anyways) but you get the picture. I sat a little bit longer to savior my sweet salvation and catch my breath before reality dawned on me, school JUST started. I wiped and wiped and wiped, but the TP was never clean. I hate those cheap toilet papers that are dry and thin. You wipe too hard and you poke your own A-Hole. Anyways finally after about 12 wipes I was satisfied. I unlatched the door and went to wash my hands and yet again to my dismay the same black kid was still there. Well, at the time I did not give a you know what, because I was still riding my wave of euphoria, awestruck still at the amazing sight I just witnessed, so I walked on over right next to him and started washing my hands grinning from ear to ear. Ironically as I was doing this he left.

Now after such a terrible start you guys are probably thinking the day got better right? Nope, just as crummy. I didnt know where to go for lunch and I stood in line for 20 min trying to get a pizza, I didnt know anyone so I had to find a place to sit by my lonely self...because of all the time wasted I didnt have time to finish my lunch. Yeah I hated High School.

BUT Fear not, the tale is not done, our hero has not yet defeated the vile forces of the intestines. Stay tuned for next time as I recount the day I invented the "Machine Gun Wipe" and ascended from dump disciple to turd Grandmaster. As the years went by my dumps became more refined, I found new ways to elude people in the stalls, tricks to be a noiseless and silent poo-ninja, my speed doubled, my wipe technique perfected and I discovered new deceptive ways of redirecting shame while casting blame. But alas, that is for another time.

Cheers,
Chris

 

[lasbar]



ha! Coffee is awesome.

Shooman's skunk/ grass enema?

 

[curzon]



This made my day. I have always wondered about the squat toilets. I would take my pants clear off if I encountered one.

You'd like to think so, but don't forget about the floor. In squat-toilet land it's wet and filthy too. Try removing your shoes, and then your socks, and lastly your pants and drawers... and then find there's no hook or shelf. Once you've balanced all of that on your head, and figured out how to squat flat-footed (no westerner is initially that limber), and go about your business... surprise! In squat-toilet land there's no toilet paper freely available in the restroom. You remembered to bring your own, didn't you? No?! Sheee-eet. Somehow you get that mess sorted out and you've only had to sacrifice your socks or pocket square (Finally! A use for it!), now you only have to clean up your feet before putting your pants and shoes back on. Forgot your drawers? Those fell off your head earlier and are sopping wet, so you're goin' commando for the rest of the day.

Sometimes in squat-toilet land you will find to your great relief a familiar sit-down toilet. What's this?! There are shoe prints all over the seat. The natives will perch themselves on the seat and squat over the bowl. Talk about balance. But this shape is a bit different (more round than the familiar rectangle) and this throws off their aim. Anyway, the mud and other muck wipes easily off the seat.

 

[patrickBOOTH]



You'd like to think so, but don't forget about the floor. In squat-toilet land it's wet and filthy too. Try removing your shoes, and then your socks, and lastly your pants and drawers... and then find there's no hook or shelf. Once you've balanced all of that on your head, and figured out how to squat flat-footed (no westerner is initially that limber), and go about your business... surprise! In squat-toilet land there's no toilet paper freely available in the restroom. You remembered to bring your own, didn't you? No?! Sheee-eet. Somehow you get that mess sorted out and you've only had to sacrifice your socks or pocket square (Finally! A use for it!), now you only have to clean up your feet before putting your pants and shoes back on. Forgot your drawers? Those fell off your head earlier and are sopping wet, so you're goin' commando for the rest of the day.
Sometimes in squat-toilet land you will find to your great relief a familiar sit-down toilet. What's this?! There are shoe prints all over the seat. The natives will perch themselves on the seat and squat over the bowl. Talk about balance. But this shape is a bit different (more round than the familiar rectangle) and this throws off their aim. Anyway, the mud and other muck wipes easily off the seat.

This reminds me, I hate when there is no hook in a stall for my jacket and I have to do the throw over. I have daymares where somebody swipes it, but my pants are around my ankles and poop in my butt so I can't chase him.

This all sounds horrible though. What is wrong with these people? Don't give me that "different culture" bullshit.

 

[lasbar]



This reminds me, I hate when there is no hook in a stall for my jacket and I have to do the throw over. I have daymares where somebody swipes it, but my pants are around my ankles and poop in my butt so I can't chase him.
This all sounds horrible though. What is wrong with these people? Don't give me that "different culture" bullshit.

Don't get it either..

Turks truck drivers are doing that everywhere they stop..

They cost companies a fortune with their bathroom hygiene habits..