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Wedding gift expectations....

dl20

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So I'm getting married in May of 09 and am starting to make the arrangements for the reception and whatnot. Our families come from different backgrounds, my fiancee's family is definately more blue collar in comparison to my own which are mostly fairly successful doctors and professionals. The wedding will be about 90% her family and 10% mine. My family is from NY and hers from Philly where we will be getting married. Her parents have each been married 3x a piece so she has a very large family to invite; my family is small to begin with pus the fact that alot of elderly relatives wont be able to travel.

My question is: Is it still socially acceptable to expect attendees to cover their plate in terms of the gift they give? I don't ask to be a snob but I have always kept this rule in mind when attending others weddings and gauge my gift based what I expect the reception to be like. is this still considered appropriate practice?

DL
 

lee_44106

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One small tip for a happy marriage day.

Defer to the wife for everything. All you need to do is show up looking like you are the groom, have a ring ready, and have your vow memorized. This is especially true as you said 90% of the attendee are from her side of the family.
 

Gus

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Don't invite people for their gifts, only invite people because you want to have them share in this special day.

If your family is so "successful", why are you concerned about the gifts anyway. Don't you already have a toaster?
 

Mustapha

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Originally Posted by dl20
So I'm getting married in May of 09 and am starting to make the arrangements for the reception and whatnot. Our families come from different backgrounds, my fiancee's family is definately more blue collar in comparison to my own which are mostly fairly successful doctors and professionals. The wedding will be about 90% her family and 10% mine. My family is from NY and hers from Philly where we will be getting married. Her parents have each been married 3x a piece so she has a very large family to invite; my family is small to begin with pus the fact that alot of elderly relatives wont be able to travel.

My question is: Is it still socially acceptable to expect attendees to cover their plate in terms of the gift they give? I don't ask to be a snob but I have always kept this rule in mind when attending others weddings and gauge my gift based what I expect the reception to be like. is this still considered appropriate practice?

DL


Yo, it's me the working class Rolls Royce hater here.
smile.gif


Have a decorated box ready for cash envelopes at the reception - get a favoured niece to do this and spiff her 20 bucks. You will get cash on top of gifts as it gives people the opportunity to reflect on whatever gift they may have already given. And as another poster has already said; it's her day.

Good luck, long life, and don't get unhinged when your kids challenge you.
laugh.gif
 

dl20

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Originally Posted by pocketsquareguy
Don't invite people for their gifts, only invite people because you want to have them share in this special day.

If your family is so "successful", why are you concerned about the gifts anyway. Don't you already have a toaster?


No reason to be a jerk PSG. Yes my family is successful, but I am just starting my career and we are footing the bill, for the most part, ourselves. I was merely asking if covering your plate is still considered socially appropriate. Why do I get the feeling that you are one of those people who ask for seconds and hands over 75$ in an envelope.

With regard to inviting people who I want to have share the experience, I really don't care (nor does she) that 1/2 of those invited actually show. As I said, her parents have been married 3x a piece and we are stuck with having to invite certain people simply because its appropriate to do so. Some of them are like children and we know won't come if certain family members are there that they don't get along with. I'm not being harsh but telling it like it is, I don't care if her dads 2nd wifes in-laws come, I've never even met them.

If we count the number of people we both genuinely want to be there, they'd total about 50 people. The rest are nothing more than a strain on my checkbook.

DL
 

Gus

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Originally Posted by dl20
If we count the number of people we both genuinely want to be there, they'd total about 50 people. The rest are nothing more than a strain on my checkbook.

DL


Then only invite the 50 and really enjoy yourself. You are going to be miserable if all you see are a bunch of distant relatives showing up to eat and drink, that you would otherwise never invite over to your house. Unless you have a positive relationship with someone, or hope to foster one, don't invite them.
 

philosophe

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Pocketsquareguy is giving you good advice. As much as possible, try to limit the guest list to people you'd actually like to join you in celebration. If you must defer to family pressures for the greater good of domestic peace, do so.

As for gifts, don't think about them. It will only upset you. Try to remind yourself that different families have different ideas about weddings and gifts, and that not everyone will or can afford to give you something great. One of the best parts of having a wedding is the feeling of so many guests wishing you well.
 

lefty

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Originally Posted by dl20
My question is: Is it still socially acceptable to expect attendees to cover their plate in terms of the gift they give? I don't ask to be a snob but I have always kept this rule in mind when attending others weddings and gauge my gift based what I expect the reception to be like. is this still considered appropriate practice?

DL


Let's say it is, how exactly are you going to impart this info to your guests?

lefty
 

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Originally Posted by lefty
Let's say it is, how exactly are you going to impart this info to your guests?
That's the question I had. I suppose you can have a cash bar at the reception, if you don't mind forever being known as the guy who was too cheap to have an open bar.

I agree that you should not worry about gifts. The wedding is for the couple's friends and family, not the couple.
 

topcatny

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Originally Posted by dl20
My question is: Is it still socially acceptable to expect attendees to cover their plate in terms of the gift they give? I don't ask to be a snob but I have always kept this rule in mind when attending others weddings and gauge my gift based what I expect the reception to be like. is this still considered appropriate practice?

DL



I would expect nothing from your guests. My wife and I payed for our wedding ourselves. I looked at it as if we were throwing a party. I had zero expectations as to how much anyone would give us as a gift. Have a wedding you can afford and whatever you receive as a gift you'll be able to save or use as you wish.

I think some people try and give a gift that is at least as much as the cost of their plate, but it certainly isn't a guideline used by everyone. Most of the guests at my wedding I am sure had no idea how much each "plate" cost anyway. In my experience people give a gift that they deem an appropriate amount that they can afford. That number will be very different for everyone regardless of their career or social status.
 

lefty

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Originally Posted by topcatny
I would expect nothing from your guests. My wife and I payed for our wedding ourselves. I looked at it as if we were throwing a party. I had zero expectations as to how much anyone would give us as a gift. Have a wedding you can afford and whatever you receive as a gift you'll be able to save or use as you wish.

I think some people try and give a gift that is at least as much as the cost of their plate, but it certainly isn't a guideline used by everyone. Most of the guests at my wedding I am sure had no idea how much each "plate" cost anyway. In my experience people give a gift that they deem an appropriate amount that they can afford. That number will be very different for everyone regardless of their career or social status.


In other words ... welcome to adulthood.

lefty
 

lawyerdad

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I have not heard of such a rule, but then I never paid much attention to that stuff. It sounds like the sort of thing that would lead to stupid but vicious intra-family strife. (E.g., mom stops speaking to her sister because they didn't get you as expensive a gift as your folks gave your cousin.)
Personally I've always tried to err on the side of generosity. But I don't think you can have the expectation you articulated. Guests are going to have wildly varying financial means. Without trying to replicate the various income tax or "who benefits most from the government" threads, a $300 (to pick a semi-random amount) gift is an afterthought for some people and an extravagant gesture for others.

Some people will floor you with their absolute or relative generosity. Others will reveal themselves to be cheap bastards. Don't sweat it. Thinking about "expected" gift values only sets you up for petty bitterness later.
 

lee_44106

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And also,

Keep the wife happy. If she wants to invite 1000 guests, then struggle mightily but invite 1000 guests. You have to live with her, not them.
 

Beckwith

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Living in NYC and having attended most weddings during my late 20's and early 30's (30 to be exact), my gifts ranged from $300 - $500 depending on the relationship to the people getting married. I would expect gifts to by in that range, maybe slightly less, but a lot of it has to do with your religion/nationality.
 

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