Valuable advice to most Americans

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by dkzzzz, Sep 14, 2006.

  1. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Senior member

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    There's no winning with Americans...
    I was in Knightsbridge tube station the other day, and I took a call on my mobile before boarding the train; it just so happened that I was standing near the underground map, whence I saw an American couple, quite old, with baseball cap, back pack and all.
    I decided to be a good representative for my country, and tried to help them out; so I said to them:
    "Where are you trying to get to?"
    "Holland"
    At this point, I thought to myself, forget it... Better not to ask them how they intend to get to Holland from Knightsbridge underground station, as they may find it rude. However, I think they read the subconscious, bewildered expression on my face, so the man continued,
    "Holland Park"
    "Ah, well you ought to take the Piccadilly line east to Holborn and then take a Central Line back west to Holland Park"
    "But it looks much closer if we change at Green Park and Bond Street"

    At this point I gave up, and walked off... I really did not want to get into a discussion about how the Tube map is not to scale or geographically accurate. Not only that, but they would also spend longer waiting for trains. Surely, they would realise that a man with a local accent, in a suit is not going to direct them wrongly, particularly given they were in T-Shirts and Shorts... [​IMG] Hear Hear! [​IMG]

    Really? I love misdirecting European tourists; it's great sport. Must be an American thing . . .
     


  2. odoreater

    odoreater Senior member

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    Really? I love misdirecting European tourists; it's great sport. Must be an American thing . . .

    Yep, I think there's a Dutch couple still trying to figure out how they got to Jersey City from the WTC subway station.

    "How do we get to Central Park?"

    "Just go downstairs, follow the signs for the PATH train and get off at the third stop. Walk about 5 blocks and you'll find the park."
    [​IMG]
     


  3. carlhuber

    carlhuber Senior member

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    I saw an American couple, quite old... "But it looks much closer if we change at Green Park and Bond Street" At this point I gave up, and walked off... I really did not want to get into a discussion
    Wow. How terribly poor mannered and rude of you. I hope there was more to the story, like perhaps the elderly couple spit on you, or pulled a knife or something equally offensive.
     


  4. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

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    "Hi! My name's BRAD, and I'll be your server tonight..."[​IMG]

    'nuff said.
     


  5. briancl

    briancl Senior member

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    8. Talk less often about sports or new cars.

    This is certainly not an american thing. Maybe the sports discussed don't interest you, but people outside of the US talk about sports. A lot. Remember that World Cup thing that just happened? Also.... I'd say the average EU'er has more knowledge of cars than the average American. Again, this could be an issue that you hear Americans talking about American cars, which puts you off.
     


  6. johnnymarrsbarres

    johnnymarrsbarres Active Member

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    that guy was being ironic, fair play.

    i got quite angry, then laughed.
     


  7. Nantucket Red

    Nantucket Red "Mr. Fashionista"

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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    1. When in restaurant do not try to out-yell the music that usually blaring through speakers. [sic]

    Of course, because the music is blaring, everybody must raise their voice to be heard. Still, don't do it.

    2. When conversing in a crowded bar/restaurant, talk at a normal volume or sit closer. Stop yelling you platitudes over entire city block. [sic]

    Agreed. Avoid platitudes.

    3. When laughing try to laugh like a human and not like a horse. Reduce volume 10 fold. This advice is equally important to men and women.

    If you are unsure of how a horse laughs, watch reruns of Mr. Ed.

    4. Stop whistling in public places!!!

    Those with whistling medical conditions should carry a note from their doctor.

    5. Chew with your mouth closed and without sounds! [sic]

    Put the remote on mute.

    6. Cover your mouth with your hand when yawning.

    This is not necessary when coughing or belching.

    7. Once in a while eat your lunch with fork and knife instead of your both hands. [sic]

    Forget about how stupid you will look eating a hamburger or hot dog with a knife and fork.

    8. Talk less often about sports or new cars.

    Talk about ballroom dancing and the structural characteristics of reinforced concrete.

    Feel free to add.

    Very well . . .

    *Don't bang on the table with your knife and fork screaming "I want it NOW!!" Banging on the table is sufficient.
    *Do not fart loudly in public and then laugh. Laughing at your own farts is not funny.
    *Don't slap complete strangers on the back and bellow "How the hell are ya?"
    *Don't play "chew & show" in fine restaurants. This sort of behavior should be reserved for McDonalds.
    *Avoid urinating or defecating in public, except in France, where this is acceptable behavior.
    *Don't grab the asses of women in the presence of their husbands.
    *Don't dunk your bread in your wine after buttering it (dunk it first, then butter it).
    *Don't flash your private parts at people to get their attention (call out "Hey, you!" first, then flash).

    Most important of all: Do not under any circumstances offer unnecessary and condescending advice on manners to complete strangers. Chances are good that they are better bred and more cultured than you. If you must offer advice, do so in correct English.
     


  8. redcaimen

    redcaimen Bigtime

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  9. Man In Space

    Man In Space Senior member

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    12. Stop inventing things. We liked snail-mail.

    yeah, and they can take back their god-damned light bulbs too.
     


  10. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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    stop exporting your junk foods to us.

    but DO keep making quality porn that no other country can every do.
     


  11. LabelKing

    LabelKing Senior member

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    stop exporting your junk foods to us.

    but DO keep making quality porn that no other country can every do.

    Doesn't Japan have a pron industry with much more "advanced" interests in mind?
     


  12. Nantucket Red

    Nantucket Red "Mr. Fashionista"

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    Doesn't Japan have a pron industry with much more "advanced" interests in mind?

    If you mean those computer games where pimply, greasy-haired computer nerds can play a character who rapes precociously developed schoolgirls, then yes, they are very advanced.

    Otherwise, Japanese porn is as dull as dung dust.
     


  13. LabelKing

    LabelKing Senior member

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    If you mean those computer games where pimply, greasy-haired computer nerds can play a character who rapes precociously developed schoolgirls, then yes, they are very advanced.

    Otherwise, Japanese porn is as dull as dung dust.

    I believe they pixelate the genitalia?
     


  14. Tokyo Slim

    Tokyo Slim In Time Out

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    When laughing, they never seem genuine, like they are laughing to be polite or something. Which of course, is insulting.
    This one caught my eye too. Laughter is a joyful spontaneous thing. If you are modulating the sound of your laughter, you arent really laughing, you are just being insincere.

    My post is to be taken as 100% juvenalian satire, but as with most satire, it was designed to illustrate a point. Thanks for "getting" some of the subtlety.
     


  15. redcaimen

    redcaimen Bigtime

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    My post is to be taken as 100% juvenalian satire, but as with most satire, it was designed to illustrate a point. Thanks for "getting" some of the subtlety.

    Well, if I was able to get all the subtlety I would become as unbearably smug as the average condescending european. Just another social benefit of brain damage.
     


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