Time to yourself when married or living with a SO

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by patrickBOOTH, Aug 15, 2012.

  1. in stitches

    in stitches Kung Joo Moderator

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    ^ sorry to derail ^^




    these ^^^ and also what gibonus said, but i missed the multi quote.

    imo there is no way a relationship can last long term without each person have some independent time to themselves, and the mutual respect that the other party may need some head clearing time before they can launch into interaction of any substance. especially after work.

    also, there are things my wife enjoys that i dont, and visa versa. its important to allow your SO to be able enjoy and pursue their interests even if you dont share them. and its important for them to accept that you may not share that interest and do have to partake in it.

    allowing each other to retain some independence and not forgo hobbies and interests goes a long way to a happy sustainable longterm relationship.
     


  2. patrickBOOTH

    patrickBOOTH Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    I think my main issue is that we don't get a lot of time together as it is, however I feel bad if I come home from work and just want to do some writing, or reading alone despite our little time together. I personally like that we are not on top of each other constantly because it keeps things fresh. I guess I just have to be honest and communicate what I need and just deal with it if she gives me grief.
     


  3. Piobaire

    Piobaire Not left of center?

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    I think there's too many variables to give any general advice other than you have to figure out what works for the two of you. As I tried to relay earlier there is a huge spectrum of what works per couple.
     


  4. gomestar

    gomestar Super Yelper

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    if she give you grief then you simply need to put her in her place. Alpha male rules the house.



    for us, even if we're doing separate things, we're still together most of the time. She might read a book on the couch while I'll also be on the couch but watching Project Runway or something. Or vice versa. We don't have to be engaging each other or tuned in to the same thing to be "together" if you know what I mean.
     


  5. in stitches

    in stitches Kung Joo Moderator

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    this is true. some SOs need more together time, others need less, and yet others may want more alone time than the man. you need to find what works best for you. i was stating before what i found works for me, but that may not hold up for other couples.


    my wife is the same. she often has work to do at night from her computer after the kids are in bed, but she enjoys being near me, and always brings her laptop to whatever room i am in and sits next to me. even if we are not technically interacting, we are together, its very sweet.
     


  6. FLMountainMan

    FLMountainMan White Hispanic

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    I've had a string of one-to-three year relationships and the one thing I repeatedly fucked up on is not communicating what I needed early on. Once the initial euphoria passes in a year or so, you're a lot less inclined to put up with unacceptable (in your mind) behaviors. A week or so of grief is worth the long-term happiness.

    FWIW, I used a similar analogy today to try to get our managers to get serious about forcing problem employees out. In our state government, "line staff" (who are making $35,000-$60,000 in a ridiculously cheap city) are somewhat difficult to terminate. So if you've hired a shitty employee, it usually takes three or so months of corrective action plans, documentation and unpleasant interactions. So instead, we don't communicate with the employee, we just work around them. Which sounds acceptable, until you realize that the people will be there for thirty fucking years until they retire, essentially eating up a full-time position with an unproductive worker.
    So I compared it to being stuck in a miserable marriage where you don't communicate anymore. To fix it or end it, yes, you will have a few months of grief and stress, but you'll be rewarded with the opportunity to find someone that's a better fit. Or, best case scenario, the other person will see what they're doing that is unacceptable to you and change their behavior.
     


  7. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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  8. JayJay

    JayJay Senior member

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    ^^^ Truth!!! :teach:
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2012


  9. NORE

    NORE Senior member

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    pB, sounds as if the problem is you. Does she give you any indication that she'd be upset if you came home and did you for a few or are you just imagining this?
     


  10. patrickBOOTH

    patrickBOOTH Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    I am probably just paranoid.
     


  11. NORE

    NORE Senior member

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    Probs. Try it tonite. Go home, talk for a bit and then go on StyFo for a while without saying anything. See how she reacts. If she igs you and does her own thing, bingo! If she comes over and looks over your shoulder and asks more than 2 questions :uhoh:
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2012


  12. gomestar

    gomestar Super Yelper

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    no need to be paranoid. Women are crazy.
     


  13. patrickBOOTH

    patrickBOOTH Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    I will be in bed when she gets home this evening. I think part of it is we just have such a routine when we are home together post work. Then again when I am with her Style Forum isn't really that desireable to me.


    So true.
     


  14. NORE

    NORE Senior member

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    Well, try it the next time you both get in before bedtime. Substitute SF for whatever. The key is to see what she does while you have your by yourself meeting.
     


  15. patrickBOOTH

    patrickBOOTH Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    Why does it have to include Style Forum? :confused:
     


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