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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. ken

    ken Senior member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Chicago
    How do you know when you're at a gay picnic?




    The hotdogs taste like shit.
     
  2. Connemara

    Connemara Senior member

    Messages:
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    Mar 9, 2006
    How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  3. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

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    Zurich, Switzerland
    a bar for people like Conne that doens't like to waste time.
    [​IMG]
     
  4. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    Bee Sting
    A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. "How was your day?" her husband asks.

    "It was just awful," she replies. "I got stung by a bee."

    "Oh, that must've hurt. Where'd you get stung?" the husband asks.

    "Between the first and second holes," she tells him.

    "Hmm," he says. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

    __________________________________________________

    A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

    The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

    __________________________________________________


    A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

    She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

    She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

    She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

    Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

    She replies, "Buzz off! Can't you see I'm winning?"
     
  5. lady-sweet

    lady-sweet New Member

    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2008
    Why did the hedgehog cross the road.

    To see his flatmate
     
  6. Augusto86

    Augusto86 Senior member

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    Location:
    A Cave in Afghanistan
    Old Brazilian one:

    A man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, he meets Satan, who tells him:
    "Son, hell is exactly like the Earth - there are countries and continents, and you get pick whichever one you want to stay in."

    The man says: "Can I look around and see what they look like first?" Satan says he can.

    The guy figures he was American, so he should go to America. He gets there and the devil tells him: "Here, you spend 6 hours a day in the flaming ovens, 12 hours a day being frozen and 200 lashes from a demon."

    The guy says, "Fuck this. If America is so bad I'm gonna try Russia, since it's always been the complete opposite."

    So they go to Russia and Satan tells him: "Here, you spend 2 hours a day in the oven, 20 in the freezer and you get 1000 lashes from a demon."

    The guy says, "Man, this sucks." He looks all over the world and then he sees a huge line, and asks Satan - "what's that huge line?"

    "Oh, that's Brazil," replies Satan.

    "Well, why does everyone want to get in there?"

    Satan replies, "Well, the ovens are all broken, the ice is melting and the demons who lash you are all on strike!"
     
  7. Augusto86

    Augusto86 Senior member

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    Location:
    A Cave in Afghanistan
    Got this one from some Palestinians:

    Yasser Arafat, George Bush Jr. and Vladimir Putin are all dead and waiting in line for hell. Since they're all world leaders, they chat in line, and arrive at the front together, where Satan stands in front of the flaming gates, leaning on a telephone booth.

    Satan says, "OK fellows, bad news is you're in hell. Good news is that you can make some phone calls before you go in - but you have to pay."

    George Bush steps up and says, "I'm loaded, I can pay for a lotta calls." So he dials Karl Rove and Dick Cheney and the GOP and tells them how to run the party for the next couple of years and who his enemies are, etc... Then he steps aside and waits for the other two.

    Satan says, "OK, Bush, that'll be $10 million." Bush pays the devil with oil stock options.

    Putin says, "I'm rich, and I want my enemies to suffer." So he calls all his old KGB pals and tells them who to kill and who to make the next president and so on. "Okay, Putin, that's 40 million rubles." And he pays the devil.

    Finally, Yasser Arafat steps up. He calls every single man, woman and child in Palestine, and talks to each of them for at least an hour. When he's done, he gets out of the phone booth. "Okay, Yasser, that's 50 cents," says the devil.

    "What the fuck?" shout Bush and Yasser. "He called millions of people and he only pays 50 cents?? Why did we pay so much?!"

    Satan replies, "Guys, you were making long distance calls. All of Yasser's were local!"
     
  8. FLMountainMan

    FLMountainMan Senior member

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    Location:
    McAnally Flats
    A little politically dicey, so if offensive, just delete.
    __________________________________________

    Mahmoud Abbas calls up George W. Bush one day. He says, "George, I´ve had an incredible revelation! I was destined to be the man responsible for peace in the middle-east."

    Dubya asks, "What made you change your mind?"

    "I dreamed there was a banner over every Palestinian house in the West Bank saying ´Long Live the Peacemaker Mahmoud Abbas´"

    Dubya ponders this for a second, and says, "I had practically the same dream. It even involved banners, although they said something different."

    "What did they say?"

    "Dunno. I can´t read Hebrew."
    ________________________________________________

    How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

    Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because just a stone's throw from Israel!

    Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

    A small plane carrying Khaled Mashaal, Ismail Haniyah, Mahmoud Zahar and Hamas´ top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!
    ______________________________________________
     
  9. sleazy ninja

    sleazy ninja Senior member

    Messages:
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    Apr 26, 2006
    On the first night of their honeymoon, a newlywed CHINEE couple is about to consummate their marriage. While in the act of foreplay, the wife whispers into her husbands ear, telling him that she is prepared to satisfy any one of his wildest sexual desires.

    After giving it some thought, the man tells his wife that he has always fantasized about her giving him a 69.

    To which she responds: YOU WUNT CHIKKEN AND BROCCOLI?!?!
     
  10. j

    j Senior member Admin

    Messages:
    14,914
    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2002
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    How do you know when you're at a gay picnic?




    The hotdogs taste like shit.

    How do you know your roommate is gay?
     
  11. ken

    ken Senior member

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2002
    Location:
    Chicago
    How do you know your roommate is gay?

    How?
     
  12. j

    j Senior member Admin

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    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    We regret to inform you that my grandma reads my posts on the forum so you'll have to figure it out on your own.
     
  13. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    How do you know your roommate is gay?

    When you find him doing "Proud Mary" on YouTube ?
     
  14. handmade 1

    handmade 1 Member

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    Oct 22, 2007
  15. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Southwark South London and sees a card
    advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
    Interested he goes to learn more.
    "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
    The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,
    "Uh - yes I've had quite a few enquiries about this job. The job
    entails you getting lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to
    help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether
    regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair
    then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's
    examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid
    you'll have to travel to Oxford."

    "Oh why, is that where the job's based?"



















    "No. That's where the end of the queue is"
     
  16. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.


    "Why so little?," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."



    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."


    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
    "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended. They began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.



    The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"
     
  17. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    Tom had been in the Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    "Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 ..."

    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'."

    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
     
  18. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    President Bush decides to leave the White
    >House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the
    >barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
    >
    >
    >
    >The
    >bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says,
    >'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here ?'
    >
    >Bush says, '
    >I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
    >Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde
    >with big tits.
    >The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
    >Why kill a
    >blonde with big tits?'
    >
    >
    >Bush turns to the bartender and says,
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >'See, I told you, nobody gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
     
  19. Fade to Black

    Fade to Black Senior member

    Messages:
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    Dec 21, 2006
    everything on this page is greatness.
     
  20. Jerome

    Jerome Senior member

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    Feb 8, 2008
    Location:
    Central Europe
    A bit corny and vulgar but so what? [hope this wasnt posted already since I havent read the whole thread -yet].



    Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
    street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
    boyfriend buying her flowers.

    The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
    buying me flowers again."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
    getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

    The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
    has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
    like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
    in the air."

    The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    3 blondes walk into a bar. They sit next to a skinny little drunk at the bar and order a pitcher. While they're waiting, the drunk man turns to the nearest one to him and says "hey, want to hear a blonde joke?" to which she replies " I am an active drill instructor in the U.S. military, my friend next to me here is an award winning bodybuilder, and the lady next to her is her personal bodyguard. Now, knowing this...do you still want to tell your joke?"

    "On second thought, no." he says.

    "I don't want to have to explain it three times."
     

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