The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. Brian SD

    Brian SD Moderator

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    hahaha nice enderz

    Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
    So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
    God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
    He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
    She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you.
    She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
    "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
    God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    Of course the rest is history.........
     


  2. shoreman1782

    shoreman1782 Senior member

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    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says "Hey, why the long face?"
     


  3. BjornH

    BjornH Senior member

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    One from the archives...

    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.

    As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG.

    The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH."

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

    If only men would listen.
     


  4. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    Nursery Rhymes are not what they used to be... \tMary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front, ..but she didn't wear that one very often. \t****** \tLittle Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her, but Little Boy Blue and his horn. \t****** \tSimple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman, "What have you got there?" Said the pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead." \t****** \tHumpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men Said, "F*ck him, he's only an egg." \t****** \tMary had a little lamb. It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its ass and turned it into nylon. \t****** \tGeorgie Porgy pudding 'n pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, because he's gay. \t****** \tJack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill, and now there's little Frankie.
     


  5. Eric

    Eric Senior member

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    This one might get me in trouble, but what are jokes for right?

    I thought this was sad, wrong, disturbing and hilarious when my friend told it to me:

    Why did the girl get an abortion...
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    Because she was raped.

    Eric
     


  6. Eric

    Eric Senior member

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    Heres a good one:

    John was at the grocery store buying stocking up on food.  

    The cashier, a pretty young girl said, "Toilet paper, Cereal, Milk, Bread, Peanut Butter, and a TV Guide, your single aren't you?"  

    John said, "Yeah, how did you know?"  

    The Cashier girls said, "Because your f@#king ugly."

    Eric
     


  7. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    Overheard a man talking to another about Middle Easterners, and he refered to them as "towel heads', where rather quickly the gentleman listening quickly informed the speaker that they do not wear towels upon their heads, but rather little sheets, therefore please in the future, refer to the as "little-sheet-heads", thank you he said and walked away.
     


  8. T4phage

    T4phage Senior member

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    Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S.  One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S eat dogs, and if they are going to fit in, they had better learn to eat dogs as well.  So they head off to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs'.  The first one unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously asks his friend: "What part did you get?".
     


  9. T4phage

    T4phage Senior member

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    There was an American man that had a business meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were going at it, she kept yelling "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX.." He did not know what that meant but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
    The next day, he went to play golf with the French who he had a meeting with. One of them hit a hole in one. The American yelled "TROUF FAUX, TROU FAUX.." They looked at him and said, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
     


  10. tiger02

    tiger02 Militarist

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    Nightowl, is that a true story? I know a few people who I could see making that comment with a straight face but tongue firmly in cheek.

    Tom
     


  11. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
    As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

    Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
    "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

    "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
    pumpkin three hours ago..."
    " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
    He took care of everything."
    The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
    prince with that kind of power.
    Tell me his name."
    Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
    Peter, Peter, something or other..."
     


  12. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    If only it were...not even I am that straight faced.
     


  13. Fabienne

    Fabienne Senior member

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    This is an old one, and I don't think it was quoted yet:

    European heaven:

    The British are the police
    The Italians are the cooks
    The French are the lovers
    The Swiss are the bankers
    The Germans are the mechanics

    European hell:

    The German are the police
    The British are the cooks
    The Swiss are the lovers
    The Italians are the bankers
    The French are the mechanics
     


  14. ViroBono

    ViroBono Senior member

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    A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer is impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
    "I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
    "Why not?" the man replies.
    "Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing anything, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
    "No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this", he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
     


  15. ViroBono

    ViroBono Senior member

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    Count Dracula is oout on the town. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting unsuspecting womens' necks. He is heading for home sometime before sunrise.

    Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

    "Mmmm", he thinks, "what's going on here ?" A few yards further on and BANG - smacked on the back of the head again. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd..

    A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again.. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

    He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk
    of cheese and a pickle.

    On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young
    female. With his dying breath he gasps "Who are you?"

    "Buffet, the vampire slayer."
     


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