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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. NavyStyles

    NavyStyles Senior member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    New Orleans, LA
    All of this is wonderful fodder for the party I'll be attending in about half an hour, haha. Â I LOVED the cornball "Atom Collision" joke. Â On that note, the beginning of my contribution... Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it's two tired.. ===================== A bear walks into a bar. Â The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" "A gin..................... and tonic." "What's with the big pause?" "I don't know, but my dad had 'em, too..."
     
  2. Drinkwaters

    Drinkwaters Senior member

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    Location:
    Cambridge, MA
    As the Jewish holidays approached, two friends, Saul and Jacob decided it would be nice to have new suits. So, off they went one afternoon to see Mr. Pinkus, their tailor.
    Saul and Jacob had decided that a nice black suit would be appropriate and proceeded to look at fabrics.
    This is a wonderful fabric remarked Mr. Pinkus and the price is right.
    The fabric being shown to them, to their eyes did not look black but Mr. Pinkus swore that it was. They trusted Mr. Pinkus word and had their suit made to be picked up in two weeks.
    The friends picked up their suits on the promised date. While walking away from the tailor shop, Saul said to Jacob, this fabric still does not look black to me.
    At the moment he said this, two nuns were walking ahead of them and were wearing traditional black habits. Jacob said to Saul, I,ll be right back and he hurried up to the side of the nuns and held the fabric against their gowns.
    The nuns were amused by this behavior and one said to the other, what was that all about? She said she had no idea what it was all about but stated that she heard the two friends remark in disgusted tone." Pinkus F#@*ed us. "
     
  3. tiger02

    tiger02 Senior member

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    Location:
    NYC
    Guy walks into a bar in DC, sees Rumsfeld and the Pres sitting in a dark corner. This guy isn't entirely sure of himself, so he checks with the bartender--"yeah, that's them" grunts the barman. Now, this is the guy's regular bar, and he's never seen such distinguished personalities there before, so he figures it's time to take advantage of the situation. He walks over, introduces himself, and says, "Gentlemen, it's such an honor to see you here. Mind if I ask what you're doing in such an out-of-the way bar?" Bush looks around a little bit, kind of lowers his voice to a husky drawl. "Well," he says, "we're planning the next war in Iraq." The guy can't believe he's getting such an earful, so he pulls up a chair and leans in close. "Oh yeah? Tell me about the war." So Bush positively whispers this time, "We're going to kill a hundred million Iraqis. And one bicycle repairman." Our guy is a little astonished--"Why are we going to kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush straightens up, gives Rummy a playful punch on the shoulder, and says, "See dummy, I told you no one's gonna care about the hundred million Iraqis."
     
  4. Get Smart

    Get Smart Senior member

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    Location:
    A town called Malice
    why did the blond stare at a can of frozen orange juice for hours and hours?








    -the can said "concentrate"
     
  5. enderz

    enderz Active Member

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    Aug 27, 2004
    Location:
    santa monica, ca
    why did ron artest leave the game early?














    he wanted to beat the crowd.
    ba-dum-ch
     
  6. Brian SD

    Brian SD Senior member

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    Location:
    Tokyo
    hahaha nice enderz

    Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
    So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
    God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
    He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
    She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you.
    She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
    "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
    God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    Of course the rest is history.........
     
  7. shoreman1782

    shoreman1782 Senior member

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    Location:
    DMV
    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says "Hey, why the long face?"
     
  8. BjornH

    BjornH Senior member

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2002
    Location:
    Stockholm, Sweden
    One from the archives...

    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.

    As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG.

    The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH."

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

    If only men would listen.
     
  9. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    Location:
    Atlanta
    Nursery Rhymes are not what they used to be... \tMary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front, ..but she didn't wear that one very often. \t****** \tLittle Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her, but Little Boy Blue and his horn. \t****** \tSimple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman, "What have you got there?" Said the pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead." \t****** \tHumpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men Said, "F*ck him, he's only an egg." \t****** \tMary had a little lamb. It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its ass and turned it into nylon. \t****** \tGeorgie Porgy pudding 'n pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, because he's gay. \t****** \tJack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill, and now there's little Frankie.
     
  10. Eric

    Eric Senior member

    Messages:
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    Jun 17, 2003
    Location:
    Washington D.C.
    This one might get me in trouble, but what are jokes for right?

    I thought this was sad, wrong, disturbing and hilarious when my friend told it to me:

    Why did the girl get an abortion...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Because she was raped.

    Eric
     
  11. Eric

    Eric Senior member

    Messages:
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    Jun 17, 2003
    Location:
    Washington D.C.
    Heres a good one:

    John was at the grocery store buying stocking up on food.  

    The cashier, a pretty young girl said, "Toilet paper, Cereal, Milk, Bread, Peanut Butter, and a TV Guide, your single aren't you?"  

    John said, "Yeah, how did you know?"  

    The Cashier girls said, "Because your f@#king ugly."

    Eric
     
  12. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    Location:
    Atlanta
    Overheard a man talking to another about Middle Easterners, and he refered to them as "towel heads', where rather quickly the gentleman listening quickly informed the speaker that they do not wear towels upon their heads, but rather little sheets, therefore please in the future, refer to the as "little-sheet-heads", thank you he said and walked away.
     
  13. T4phage

    T4phage Senior member

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    Location:
    sage
    Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S.  One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S eat dogs, and if they are going to fit in, they had better learn to eat dogs as well.  So they head off to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs'.  The first one unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously asks his friend: "What part did you get?".
     
  14. T4phage

    T4phage Senior member

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    sage
    There was an American man that had a business meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were going at it, she kept yelling "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX.." He did not know what that meant but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
    The next day, he went to play golf with the French who he had a meeting with. One of them hit a hole in one. The American yelled "TROUF FAUX, TROU FAUX.." They looked at him and said, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
     
  15. tiger02

    tiger02 Senior member

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    Location:
    NYC
    Nightowl, is that a true story? I know a few people who I could see making that comment with a straight face but tongue firmly in cheek.

    Tom
     
  16. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    Location:
    Atlanta
    CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
    As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

    Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
    "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

    "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
    pumpkin three hours ago..."
    " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
    He took care of everything."
    The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
    prince with that kind of power.
    Tell me his name."
    Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
    Peter, Peter, something or other..."
     
  17. nightowl6261a

    nightowl6261a Senior member

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    If only it were...not even I am that straight faced.
     
  18. Fabienne

    Fabienne Senior member

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    Dec 16, 2004
    This is an old one, and I don't think it was quoted yet:

    European heaven:

    The British are the police
    The Italians are the cooks
    The French are the lovers
    The Swiss are the bankers
    The Germans are the mechanics

    European hell:

    The German are the police
    The British are the cooks
    The Swiss are the lovers
    The Italians are the bankers
    The French are the mechanics
     
  19. ViroBono

    ViroBono Senior member

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2004
    Location:
    UK
    A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer is impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
    "I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
    "Why not?" the man replies.
    "Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing anything, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
    "No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this", he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
     
  20. ViroBono

    ViroBono Senior member

    Messages:
    259
    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2004
    Location:
    UK
    Count Dracula is oout on the town. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting unsuspecting womens' necks. He is heading for home sometime before sunrise.

    Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

    "Mmmm", he thinks, "what's going on here ?" A few yards further on and BANG - smacked on the back of the head again. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd..

    A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again.. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

    He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk
    of cheese and a pickle.

    On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young
    female. With his dying breath he gasps "Who are you?"

    "Buffet, the vampire slayer."
     

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