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The joke thread

Gus

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A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."
 

rnoldh

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Meet Jack Schitt


Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:

In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:

Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.

Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.


The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".

But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.

Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.

These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.

The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt

But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.

Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)
 
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ter1413

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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?, Nothing you already told her twice..
 

ter1413

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Jesus Dude.

- What do the Atilla the Hun and Winnie the Poo have in common?

-
The same middle name of course.

Wow.
 

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