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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. denning

    denning Senior member

    Messages:
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    Jan 30, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    Did you hear about the gay midget?
    He came out of the cupboard.
     
  2. datasupa

    datasupa Senior member

    Messages:
    776
    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2006
    Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"

    Technically, the score would never be love-deuce....
     
  3. Laffertron

    Laffertron Senior member

    Messages:
    166
    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2007
    An Italian and a Greek are drinking together in a bar, arguing about which man's country contributed the most to modern civilization. The Italian argued Democracy, the Greek argued the Olympics. Finally, in a heat of drunken anger, the Greek pounded the table and yelled "Well the Greeks invented sex! Beat that!" To which the Italian replied "Yes that may be the case, but we introduced it to women"
     
  4. Bradford

    Bradford Senior member

    Messages:
    6,708
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    Mar 19, 2002
    Location:
    Phoenix
    Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?

    Neither did she.

    ----------------------------------

    What's large, gray and not important?

    An irrelevant.

    ----------------------------------

    How do you prove that a dog is really man's best friend?

    Put your wife and dog in your trunk and drive around for a while.

    When you open the trunk, look who's happy to see you.
     
  5. Journeyman

    Journeyman Senior member

    Messages:
    6,774
    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2005
    Location:
    Brisbane, Australia
    a baby seal walked into a club.

    A baby seal walks into a club and then asks the bartender, "how much for a good phoque?"

    great joke.


    A baby harp seal walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "What would you like to drink, little baby harp seal?"

    The baby harp seal looked at him with its big dark eyes and said, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."
     
  6. Matt

    Matt Senior member

    Messages:
    11,179
    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Location:
    Sunny Saigon
    This is one of those jokes that kinda depends on you saying the punchline out loud, but we will see how we go with it....

    --

    A nightclub is holding a theme party, everybody has to come dressed as an emotion. SO people lined up at the door, guy gets to the front, doesnt look like he is dressed up at all, just a red t-shirt and jeans.

    Doorman says 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..."

    Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up red with anger'...'fair enough, in you go'

    Few more people pass through, then another guy looks like he hasnt dressed up, green t-shirt and jeans.

    Doorman 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..."

    Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up green with envy'...'fair enough, in you go'

    Few more pass through, then some guy gets to the front, naked with his dick in a bowl of custard.

    Doorman: "what the hell? Tonight is an emotion party, what have you come dressed as?"

    Patron: *say out loud* "Im fucking disgusted"
     
  7. Concordia

    Concordia Senior member Dubiously Honored

    Messages:
    5,778
    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2004
    At another costume party, a guy shows up naked, slathered in Vaseline, with a naked woman on his back.

    The doorman says "hey, you can't come in looking like that-- this is a costume party."

    The guy says, "I know. I'm a snail and this (gesturing at the woman) is Michelle."
     
  8. trogdor

    trogdor Senior member

    Messages:
    521
    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Location:
    The People's Republic of Cork
    This is one of those jokes that kinda depends on you saying the punchline out loud, but we will see how we go with it....

    --

    A nightclub is holding a theme party, everybody has to come dressed as an emotion. SO people lined up at the door, guy gets to the front, doesnt look like he is dressed up at all, just a red t-shirt and jeans.

    Doorman says 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..."

    Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up red with anger'...'fair enough, in you go'

    Few more people pass through, then another guy looks like he hasnt dressed up, green t-shirt and jeans.

    Doorman 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..."

    Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up green with envy'...'fair enough, in you go'

    Few more pass through, then some guy gets to the front, naked with his dick in a bowl of custard.

    Doorman: "what the hell? Tonight is an emotion party, what have you come dressed as?"

    Patron: *say out loud* "Im fucking disgusted"


    Then another guy gets to the front, naked with his dick buried in a pear.

    Doorman: "What the hell? Tonight is an emotion party, what have you come dressed as?"

    Patron: *say out loud* "I'm deep in despair"
     
  9. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

    The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
     
  10. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

    I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat.

    Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao.

    Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

    Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

    Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

    I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

    It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim.

    Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

    An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

    I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

    You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

    I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

    I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

    Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

    They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.

    Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

    He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

    Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

    Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
     
  11. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    English Phrase - Chinese Phrase I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat. Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao. Stupid Man. - Dum Gai. Small Horse; - Tai Ni Po Ni. Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni. It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim. Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting? An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching. I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King. You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum. I got this for free. - Ai No Pei. I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao? They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo. He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu. Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
    English Phrase - Korean Phrase Are you a model? - Bang Mi
     
  12. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland

    English Phrase - Korean Phrase


    Are you a model? - Bang Mi


    English Phrase - Korean Phrase

    I think you need a facelift. - Young Mi

    Gosh! [​IMG]
     
  13. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

    He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

    "I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

    "I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

    "O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

    So the man went out and came back an hour later.

    "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

    The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

    The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

    The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

    "W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
     
  14. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    Southern Medical Terms

    B
    Benign -- What you be after you be eight.
    Bacteria -- Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium -- What doctors do when patients die.

    C
    Cesarean Section -- A neighborhood in Rome.
    Catscan -- Searching for Kitty.
    Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her.
    Colic -- A sheep dog.
    Coma -- A punctuation mark.

    D
    D&C -- Where Washington is.
    Dilate -- To live long.

    E
    Enema -- Not a friend.

    F
    Fester -- Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula -- A small lie.

    G
    Genital -- Non-Jewish person.
    G.I. Series -- World Series of military baseball.

    H
    Hangnail -- What you hang your coat on.

    I
    Impotent -- Distinguished, well known.

    L
    Labor Pain -- Getting hurt at work.

    M
    Medical Staff -- A Doctor's cane.
    Morbid -- A higher offer than I bid.

    N
    Nitrates -- Cheaper than day rates.
    Node -- I knew it.

    O
    Outpatient -- A person who has fainted.

    P
    Pelvis -- Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative -- A letter carrier.

    R
    Recovery Room -- Place to do upholstery.

    S
    Secretion -- Hiding something
    Seizure -- Roman emperor.

    T
    Tablet -- A small table.
    Terminal Illness -- Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumor -- More than one.

    V
    Varicose -- Near by/close by.
     
  15. matadorpoeta

    matadorpoeta Senior member

    Messages:
    4,458
    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2003
    English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

    I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat.

    Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao.

    Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

    Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

    Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

    I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

    It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim.

    Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

    An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

    I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

    You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

    I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

    I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

    Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

    They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.

    Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

    He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

    Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

    Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]


    A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

    He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

    "I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

    "I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

    "O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

    So the man went out and came back an hour later.

    "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

    The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

    The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

    The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

    "W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"


    [​IMG] i'm going to use this one, thanks.
     
  16. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]


    [​IMG] i'm going to use this one, thanks.


    Well, I'm glad you can use it. [​IMG]
     
  17. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Senior member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

    "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big deal in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, well I've only been with one guy."

    "Oh really? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

    "Yes"

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I'm calling room service to order something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? And what would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? So what would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods........., to find out what par is for this hole"







    A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon Boudreaux carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked him, "Where did you get that turkey?"

    Boudreaux replied, "What turkey?"

    The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

    Boudreaux looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

    The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.

    So, what are you gonna do with him?"

    Boudreaux said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go."
     
  18. Francis91

    Francis91 Senior member

    Messages:
    364
    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Frozen Skunk

    A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
    her husband to stop the car.? There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
    the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

    It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.? Can we
    take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

    He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

    The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

    He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

    "But what about the smell?" asked the wife.

    He says, "Just hold its little nose."

    The man is expected to recover; but the skunk she used to beat him with
    died at the scene.
     
  19. judges76

    judges76 Senior member

    Messages:
    158
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2008
    What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a plastic bag?

    One's white, made of plastic, & unsafe near little children, & the other is for groceries.
     
  20. allreds

    allreds Senior member

    Messages:
    264
    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2008
    My two favorite cringe-inducers:

    How do you make a baby cry twice?

    Wipe your bloody c**k on his teddy bear.

    ________________________________

    Boy to his father: Dad, what does a vagina look like?

    Dad: Before or after sex?

    Boy: I don't know...before.

    Dad: Like the perfect rose bud just before it opens to reveal its glory.

    Boy: What about after?

    Dad: You ever see a bulldog eat mayonnaise?
     

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