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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Senior member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
    down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
    has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the doors reopen s on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
    putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

    Today you voted."
     
  2. topcatny

    topcatny Senior member

    Messages:
    1,054
    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2004
    Location:
    NYC and Long Island, NY
    A little girl's parent's are getting divorced and she has to appear before the judge so he can determine who should get custody.

    Judge: I need to decide who should have custody of you after the divorce, Do you have a preference?

    Little girl: No I don't have a preference.

    Judge: ok then I think you should go live with your mother

    Little girl: NO! Please don't make me live with her, she beats me.

    Judge: Um, ok then I'll award custody to your father.

    Little girl: NO! NO! He beats me even worse then my mother does, don't make me live with him.

    Judge: Well I don't know what to do, I can't have you live with your mother and I can't have you live with your father. I'm not sure what other options we have.

    Little girl: I have an idea. Can I go live with the Knicks? I hear they can't beat anyone.

    [​IMG]
     
  3. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded into the
    limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope
    still standing on the curb.

    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please
    take your seat so we can leave?'

    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
    drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope,
    I'd really like to drive today.'

    'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
    lose my
    job!
    And what if something should happen?' protests the driver,
    wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    'Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in
    it for you,' says the Pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
    behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
    after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
    limo to 105 mph.

    (Remember, he's German.)

    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver,
    but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
    'Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!' moans the
    driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
    approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
    motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,'
    he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
    stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

    'So bust him,' says the Chief.

    'I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,' said the
    cop.

    The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of
    persistence.

    The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: ' The Governor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: 'The President?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

    Cop: 'I think it's God!'

    The Chief is stumped, ' You been drinking, John? '

    Cop: ' No Sir.'

    Chief : ' Then what makes you think it's God?'

    Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.'
     
  4. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    Glossary
    -----------

    Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    Ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

    Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    Giraffitti: Vandalism spray painted very very high.

    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

    Karmageddon. It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

    Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    Glibido: all talk and no action.

    Dopeler effect. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
     
  5. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

    When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.


    'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

    'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


    She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
     
  6. CunningSmeagol

    CunningSmeagol Senior member

    Messages:
    3,933
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2006
    Location:
    New York
    My favorites:

    I put spot remover on my dog and he disappeared.

    _________________________

    Two gays are walking their dogs, a chihuahua and a german shepherd, and they pass a department store having a sale (pretty sure it was Saks). The chihuahua owner says, "let's check it out", but the german shepherd owner says they won't let them in with the dogs.

    Chihuahua owner pulls out two pairs of sunglasses says, "no problem, we'll each wear a pair of these, and we'll be fine."

    They put on the sunglasses and walk in. German shepherd owner is greeted and welcomed in. SA says to the other guy "You can't bring that chihuahua in here!"

    To which he replies, "WHAT, they gave me a chihuahua?!"
     
  7. denimdestroyedmylife

    denimdestroyedmylife Senior member

    Messages:
    4,649
    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2006
    Psychiatrist says to man without pants: "I can see yr nuts".
     
  8. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Senior member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him
    to forgive me.
     
  9. lakewolf

    lakewolf Senior member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

    'Hello?'

    'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

    'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

    After a brief pause, her father says:

    'But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.

    'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

    Brief pause.

    'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
    Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
    Car has just pulled into the driveway'


    'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


    'I did it, Daddy.'

    'And what happened, honey?' he asked.


    'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
    Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

    'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

    'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
    'He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
    He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


    Long Pause

    Longer Pause

    Even Longer Pause


    Then Daddy says,


    'Swimming pool...??? 'Is this 486-5731?'


    'No'said the little girl. 'I think you have the wrong number.'
     
  10. GQgeek

    GQgeek Senior member

    Messages:
    17,933
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2002
    Location:
    Canuckistan
    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him
    to forgive me.


    That's awesome. [​IMG]
     
  11. Matt

    Matt Senior member

    Messages:
    11,179
    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Location:
    Sunny Saigon
    How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand
     
  12. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Senior member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand


    What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

    "Excuse me sir, you're in my son"
     
  13. thinman

    thinman Senior member

    Messages:
    4,926
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2005
    Location:
    USA
    Two newlyweds both decided to save themselves for marriage, but now it's their wedding night, they've had a couple glasses of champagne, and they decide the time is right. So the husband takes off his shoes and socks, when his wife exclaims "My God, what happened to your feet? They're completely disfigured." The husband replies, "Yes, when I was just a baby, I had a terrible case of toelio." By that time, he had his pants off, when his wife cried "My God, what happened to your legs? You must be practically crippled!". Her husband replied "Yes, when I was just a boy, I had a severe case of kneesles". By then, the husband had his underwear off, when his wife exclaimed "My God, don't tell me you also had smallcox!!"
     
  14. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    Five reasons Computers must be female

    5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

    4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

    3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

    1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
     
  15. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
     
  16. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    Three Italian nuns go to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, "Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men."
     
  17. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
     
  18. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Senior member

    Messages:
    11,599
    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
     
  19. X-It

    X-It Senior member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    A file that big?
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    The Web site you seek
    Can not be located but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    ABORTED effort:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask way too much.

    Yesterday it worked
    Today it is not working
    Windows is like that.

    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen dies
    so beautifully.

    With searching comes loss
    and the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.

    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao, until
    You bring fresh toner.

    Stay the patient course
    Of little worth is your ire
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    your expensive computer
    to a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes, and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    but the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
     
  20. Britalian

    Britalian Senior member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
    Granny replies,"Fu * *k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

    Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
    Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"
    Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
    Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
    Dad says,"So what were you watchin'?"
    Billy says,"Wimbledon."

    A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
    He replies,"Your eyesight is perfect."

    Wife gets naked & asks hubby,"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
    Hubby looks her up & down and replies,"Your sense of humour!"


    An elderly couple was attending Mass.

    About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

    He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
     

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