The Dog Whisperer

[DNW]

Has anyone seen this show? It's amazing how he can change an unruly dog's behavior in such a short period of time. I wish I could be like that with people.
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[Tokyo Slim]

You want to change an unruly person's behavior in a very short period of time?
It just takes the proper training methods and tools.
Just like with a dog, you have to let the person know you are in charge, and very serious. You have to assert your alpha male dominance.

Try this:

 

[DNW]

Originally Posted by Tokyo Slim

You want to change an unruly person's behavior in a very short period of time?
It just takes the proper training methods and tools.
Just like with a dog, you have to let the person know you are in charge, and very serious. You have to assert your alpha male dominance.

Try this:

Ummm...don't want to spend my life's savings defending a murder charge.

 

[Tokyo Slim]

Originally Posted by DarkNWorn

Ummm...don't want to spend my life's savings defending a murder charge.

You aren't supposed to kill them, dummy. How can they submit to your will when they are dead?

 

[tagutcow]

Here's something I wrote about the subject four years ago:

Subject: Caesar Millan: Dog Whisperer: ~SECRETS~

I am a Caesar Millan: Dog Whisperer. No, I am not a dog trainer and I am
not a dog psychologist- nor for that matter will I channel your dear
Smooshie from the next world- I am a dog behaviorist. I guess I could help
you win blue ribbon for every golly-gee-whiz doggie stunt competition at
any county fair; I could, if I wanted to, but I don't.

But when your dog is behaving erratically, lunging at strangers, biting
at your heels when you try to leave the house, I blow in like a zephyr
from an exotic land, done up in a Gap shirt and bleached at the tips, and
lay down some science to correct the dog behavior problem at hand.

Tuesday's assignment: "Belle just mopes around the house all day. When
it's time for her walk, she refuses to budge," the woman sitting across
from me explains. Thousands of television viewers can see the way she
touches her hair when she talks to me, the way she stifles her nervous
laughter whenever I make a joke; this is apparent to everyone-- everyone
except her husband. You can bet your bottom dollar, the Caesar banged her.

Caesar doesn't doubt that when these uniformly barren dog women- whose
uniformly schlubby husbands apparently at one point tried going metro, but
never could never quite navigate their way back to either shore- first
receive the mailing informing them that National Geographic's Caesar
Millan will be visiting them, the very name plants a seed in their minds,
leaving them battling adulterous fantasies of wild mediterranean romance;
yet it is my porcelain, non-threatening asiatic features that disarms
them, leaves them... vulnerable. Let me let you in on a little secret
around here: the Caesar bangs all of the dog women.

I explain the basics to her: you must choke the dog's head upwards when
he is lagging behind and you must only show affection when the dog is in a
submissive state. My advice to these people is always the same: dog
problems come from dog unhappiness, and dog unhappiness comes not from
lack of accommodation but rather from lack of assertiveness. When you have
mastered the behavior of the dog, you are 90% to having mastered the
behavior of the woman?

Friday's assignment: The Gautier family and their Labrador retriever,
Sasha. Jeanne Gautier- a freshly menopausal little number- brings me and
my crew out back; tagging along behind us is her fat schlub of a husband
Troy who looks kind of like Edward Herrmann as a glassy-eyed acid
casualty. She points to her dog out in the yard, running around in circles
for minutes on end. "Our dog Sasha has a tail-chasing problem," she
explains.

"What a coincidence," I think secretly to myself, "so does the Caesar dog."

 

[DNW]

Originally Posted by Tokyo Slim

You aren't supposed to kill them, dummy. How can they submit to your will when they are dead?

Isn't the #1 rule of gun ownership is that you have to shoot every time you draw?

 

[Tokyo Slim]

Originally Posted by DarkNWorn

Isn't the #1 rule of gun ownership is that you have to shoot every time you draw?
If that were the case, how would you ever clean, service, or load/unload your gun?!?! Haven't you ever heard of pistol whipping?

 

[DNW]

Originally Posted by Tokyo Slim

If that were the case, how would you ever clean, service, or load/unload your gun?!?!

Haven't you ever heard of pistol whipping?

What's the fun in that?