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The Amazing Disappearing Friend

mr. whinerman

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I have a friend who's had a girlfriend for a while and lately, none of his friends ever see him anymore. He'll go out of town with her for a week and then come back and spend the whole weekend with her, helping her with stuff she could do on her own, and dealing with her many crisises. She calls him when she knows he is out with us and keeps him on the phone for half an hour with some ridiculous problem she should be able to handle herself, and nagging about whether he is going to be able to do something he said he would do. He bends over backward to fix her problems but can't even "make time" to come out and meet up with his friends on a weekend night when he said he would, and can't even call to say he isn't going to make it, so we waste our night waiting for him to show up where we don't even want to be hanging out.

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in a car with him and her and she was going on about their wedding plans, the photographer, the cake, the registry and crap, and I was basically the Bateman character, sitting silently in my sunglasses, while he was the Luis Caruthers character, pussily asking me if I had been getting enough sleep because I wasn't saying anything. (Imagine the business card scene "Patrick.... are you okay? You're sweating.") ARGH what am I supposed to do about this? He hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time before this, but it's not like he couldn't get another one. When he's not around she always has a reason for him not to come out, and when we do actually see him she's always checking up and wasting his and our time. To his credit, he doesn't always take too much of her shit (when we are around anyway). I can't imagine what kind of trash she talks about us when we're not around. I feel like I/we need to say something but I don't want to make it an us vs. her situation more than it probably already is.

Anyone have any advice? I've had this problem with friends in the past and usually I've ended up cutting off all contact with them after they flake enough times, which I think was always kind of a bullshit passive solution. I'm hoping there is an adult solution to this problem that might actually work to make him consider how much of his life she is consuming.

btw I'm not new, I just started this account to vent since I don't know if the friend in question reads this forum.
 

dfagdfsh

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it sounds like you're in love with your friends. maybe you need to make your move.

you are carruthers, sorry bro
 

Brian278

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Talk to him one on one and tell him very honestly how you feel. Don't speak too poorly about the girlfriend or he will get defensive and he might tell her which would make it even worse. After that, he's an adult, he'll make his own decision.
 

mr. whinerman

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Originally Posted by Teger
it sounds like you're in love with your friends. maybe you need to make your move.

you are carruthers, sorry bro


Get out of my thread bro, your advice isn't worth the electrons it's printed on

Originally Posted by Brian278
Talk to him one on one and tell him very honestly how you feel. Don't speak too poorly about the girlfriend or he will get defensive and he might tell her which would make it even worse. After that, he's an adult, he'll make his own decision.

That's probably what I will end up doing. Of course that's obviously the right thing to do. Just irks me that he would suddenly turn into such a vag.
 

JoeWoah

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I have never had a dream about a friend... ... Diagnosis: You caught teh ghey!
Seriously though, just talk to them. Tell him you need your wingman or something. Eventually he'll get sick of being around her anyway.
 

Aperipan

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If you're cute, we should hook up. PM me.
 

Aperipan

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Originally Posted by mr. whinerman
I'm a minor, and this was a federal crime. Congratulations.
You're funny and of course, I was being trivial. It would be a federal crime if you stated that you're a minor but I still pursue to contact you through PM, etc. Since you've edited your post so many times, I say it's best for you to state your age and that you seek advice more amenable to someone of your position. People here would have no problem making homo jokes and such if you do not let them know your inclinations, such as it were.
 

dfagdfsh

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well what the fuck else do you want? he's in a relationship and the girl is dominating his life - it happens. if you try to talk to him about it you'll probably end up just pissing him off.

i'm sure that they'll break up soon enough and you can be there to be the shoulder he can cry on
 

Aperipan

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Originally Posted by mr. whinerman
I have a friend who's had a girlfriend for a while and lately, none of his friends ever see him anymore. He'll go out of town with her for a week and then come back and spend the whole weekend with her, helping her with stuff she could do on her own, and dealing with her many crisises. She calls him when she knows he is out with us and keeps him on the phone for half an hour with some ridiculous problem she should be able to handle herself, and nagging about whether he is going to be able to do something he said he would do. He bends over backward to fix her problems but can't even "make time" to come out and meet up with his friends on a weekend night when he said he would, and can't even call to say he isn't going to make it, so we waste our night waiting for him to show up where we don't even want to be hanging out.

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in a car with him and her and she was going on about their wedding plans, the photographer, the cake, the registry and crap, and I was basically the Bateman character, sitting silently in my sunglasses, while he was the Luis Caruthers character, pussily asking me if I had been getting enough sleep because I wasn't saying anything. (Imagine the business card scene "Patrick.... are you okay? You're sweating.") ARGH what am I supposed to do about this? He hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time before this, but it's not like he couldn't get another one. When he's not around she always has a reason for him not to come out, and when we do actually see him she's always checking up and wasting his and our time. To his credit, he doesn't always take too much of her shit (when we are around anyway). I can't imagine what kind of trash she talks about us when we're not around. I feel like I/we need to say something but I don't want to make it an us vs. her situation more than it probably already is.

Anyone have any advice? I've had this problem with friends in the past and usually I've ended up cutting off all contact with them after they flake enough times, which I think was always kind of a bullshit passive solution. I'm hoping there is an adult solution to this problem that might actually work to make him consider how much of his life she is consuming.

btw I'm not new, I just started this account to vent since I don't know if the friend in question reads this forum.


I'm not sure how young you are since you've just stated that you're a "minor." If you're truly underage, then the adult thing to do is to move on with your life. Unless, you have affections for him, and your post oozes with it, then tell him how you feel. Life is short.
 

Tardek

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This stuff happens. People get different priorities. Just let your friend know the next time where you're going and if he wants to join up at some stage he should call you and you'll tell him exactly where you all are. Don't hamstring your own night for a flake, but you don't need to cut him out either.

It's my experience that these kinds of relationships eventually end, and when they do your friend will realise what he's done and come back to fill the gaping void in his personal life.
 

acidboy

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maybe OP doesn't like girls in general, and he dislikes the girls taking away his quality time with his bromantic partners?
 

Master-Classter

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ahem-pussywipped-ahem.

Just let him know that you and the group want to see him sometime to catch up, try to be flexible to make an arrangement or go over to his place.

If he really avoids, then don't be the one to cut him off, just let him know that you guys will always be around/open for him whenever he wants to hang out so he doesn't feel like he's too embarrased to ask you guys to hang out in the future if things change.
 

mr. whinerman

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Originally Posted by Aperipan
You're funny and of course, I was being trivial. It would be a federal crime if you stated that you're a minor but I still pursue to contact you through PM, etc. Since you've edited your post so many times, I say it's best for you to state your age and that you seek advice more amenable to someone of your position. People here would have no problem making homo jokes and such if you do not let them know your inclinations, such as it were.

Originally Posted by Aperipan
I'm not sure how young you are since you've just stated that you're a "minor." If you're truly underage, then the adult thing to do is to move on with your life.

I was lying, because you were being all preachy about youtube videos in that other thread, and now you're being unhelpful while coming on to someone you don't know online. If I were a minor, it would be a crime. Go cry about it. BTW, I edited my post one time, so that my awesome signature would show. I did not change anything else.

Originally Posted by Aperipan
Unless, you have affections for him, and your post oozes with it, then tell him how you feel. Life is short.

Yes, I do love and care for my close friends. No, I am not "in love" with them. It sounds like you have a lot of repressed issues you are projecting on me and on people in a couple of other threads. Maybe you should see a psychologist about some Satanic ritual abuse you may have suffered as a child. In any case, I hope you figure all that out.

Originally Posted by acidicboy
maybe OP doesn't like girls in general, and he dislikes the girls taking away his quality time with his bromantic partners?

I love girls, but I do dislike it when my friends fall off the face of the earth and start flaking on me and their/my other friends because of a girl (or anything). As I thought should be obvious, I'm unhappy with the way he's handling it, not the fact that he has a girlfriend.

OTOH, as my other friend and I were discussing, if we thought she was awesome and amazing, we would understand and support him being smitten and going overboard like this. We've all done that from time to time, but not for weeks on end. When you depend on a friend and he becomes incommunicado, it is frustrating, yes. I've told my other friends that if they ever see me starting to be consumed like this, they are obligated to punch me in the nuts.

Originally Posted by Tardek
This stuff happens. People get different priorities. Just let your friend know the next time where you're going and if he wants to join up at some stage he should call you and you'll tell him exactly where you all are. Don't hamstring your own night for a flake, but you don't need to cut him out either.

It's my experience that these kinds of relationships eventually end, and when they do your friend will realise what he's done and come back to fill the gaping void in his personal life.


Originally Posted by Master-Classter
ahem-pussywipped-ahem.

Just let him know that you and the group want to see him sometime to catch up, try to be flexible to make an arrangement or go over to his place.

If he really avoids, then don't be the one to cut him off, just let him know that you guys will always be around/open for him whenever he wants to hang out so he doesn't feel like he's too embarrased to ask you guys to hang out in the future if things change.


Thank you both. I don't think he's purposely avoiding, I think he's being distracted and (to an extent) controlled, and I don't like seeing that. I imagine it's like seeing a friend drop into a destructive addiciton of any kind - this just happens to be addiction to a relationship.
 

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