SF members, if you could read my final draft

[ghulkhan]

I had made a previous thread about an essay for transfer to NYU
well i have taken all your ideas and edited it completely
grammar should be on spot...
not as simple as before

the question was, why do you want to transfer to nyu and how would nyu would be able to help you reach your education goals
any comments before i turn it in would be highly appreciated
....
\tNew York University offers a broad curriculum and faculty for its undergraduate Psychology program. For example, NYU’s Psychology department offers a variety of core specific lab courses that are designed with a hands-on approach to teach students to use research techniques in the various subfields of psychology. This combined with a more robust faculty enables students to focus on a core concentration in modern psychology to a greater extent then my current institution. In addition, NYU offers a number of opportunities for student research. This is important to gain a greater understanding of the field, enabling students to use their education outside of a purely academic world.
\tMoreover, college is a time for students to seek fulfillment, both intellectual and personal. My intellectual curiosity has pushed me to study psychology because it lies at the root of many seemingly unrelated human and historical events. NYU encourages students to pursue diverse interests in the cause of this fulfillment by placing creativity and intellectual curiosity where it belongs, at the heart of academic strut. Therefore it offers even students of other disciplines training and education in film and the arts. I would love to be able to take advantage of the program that Tisch offers for NYU undergraduates to minor in the production of films. This would offer me broader exploration as a student and possible pursuits in the professional world after college.
\tA classroom environment that is not cloistered but psychologically and socially open is important for a rich classroom experience. I am looking for a classroom environment where the discussion represents the views of people whose backgrounds are more varied then what exit on the New Jersey Turnpike they are from. Although the students at GW are nationally and ethnically diverse, they represent primarily the same socio-economic groups or political opinions, creating an academic environment that is rather stifling then creative. During my visits to NYU, I have noticed that NYU students see difference as creativity where GW students see difference as heterodoxy. Due to NYU’s lack of a campus, its students become a part of the City rather then a system within the City. At NYU, students cannot hide themselves in an ivory tower but are encouraged to engage in the City cosmopolitan. GW, by contrast, embraces its hemmed-in nature by explicitly naming its upperclassman dormitory and my residence, The Ivory Tower. This facet of the NYU experience enables its students to draw their values and beliefs from probably the most diverse city in the world, creating a rich classroom experience. Since NYU students are diverse in ways in a manner greater then simply ethnic or national background, they create an environment conducive to original thinking and intellectual growth. This is environment is important to developing attitudes that will serve the student in his lifelong pursuits, both practical and academic.

 

[MrRogers]

I've been reading the evolution of your essay and commend you on your hard work. As a doctoral student, I work a few hours a week in a writing lab, reviewing APA format and looking over papers before they are submitted. I do have to ask, is english your first language? I'm assuming not. If I had the time i'd be able to provide you with more feedback (should you be interested in recieving it) but i'm a little busy.


I think you still need to make alot of corrections to your essay. It has definately gotten better since your initial drafts but you need to monitor you word usage. (ie.
"New York University offers a broad curriculum and faculty for its undergraduate Psychology program.&quot What is a "broad faculty?" One error you make several times in your essay is that you are stating facts to the admissions board that they already know. I assume that you have a word limit, use it to inform them of why you want to attend NYU and why you are better than joe blow. Don't waste it telling them things they already know.

"A classroom environment that is not cloistered but psychologically and socially open is important for a rich classroom experience." What deems a class of students to be "psychologically open?" NYU encourages students to pursue diverse interests in the cause of this fulfillment by placing creativity and intellectual curiosity where it belongs, at the heart of academic strut. Again, I don't know what you are trying to say here. There are several areas in your essay where you make similar errors. Finally, the biggest issue with your essay is your high "Snore Factor"; its boring, noone will get to the end of it. Again, not trying to be harsh at all but your personal statement is a big factor in the admissions process and really the only chance the admissions panel has to get a sense of who you are. Try and seek out a teacher or writing lab to look over your essay with you.


Good Luck

MrR

**Also do not refer to NYU as "lacking a campus." They must own billions in real estate downtown. Their contention is that Manhattan as a whole constitutes their "campus"

 

[ghulkhan]

yea, thanks for the feedback
im gonna do a bunch of revisiosn tommrowo hopefully

 

[ghulkhan]

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

yea, thanks for the feedback
im gonna do a bunch of revisiosn tommrowo hopefully

and english is my second language
i mean ive been speaking it since i was 4 but still second

 

[Violinist]

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

I had made a previous thread about an essay for transfer to NYU
well i have taken all your ideas and edited it completely
grammar should be on spot...
not as simple as before

the question was, why do you want to transfer to nyu and how would nyu would be able to help you reach your education goals
any comments before i turn it in would be highly appreciated
....
\tNew York University offers a broad curriculum and faculty for its undergraduate Psychology program. For example, NYU’s Psychology department offers a variety of core specific lab courses that are designed with a hands-on approach to teach students to use research techniques in the various subfields of psychology. This combined with a more robust faculty enables students to focus on a core concentration in modern psychology to a greater extent then my current institution. In addition, NYU offers a number of opportunities for student research. This is important to gain a greater understanding of the field, enabling students to use their education outside of a purely academic world.
\tMoreover, college is a time for students to seek fulfillment, both intellectual and personal. My intellectual curiosity has pushed me to study psychology because it lies at the root of many seemingly unrelated human and historical events. NYU encourages students to pursue diverse interests in the cause of this fulfillment by placing creativity and intellectual curiosity where it belongs, at the heart of academic strut. Therefore it offers even students of other disciplines training and education in film and the arts. I would love to be able to take advantage of the program that Tisch offers for NYU undergraduates to minor in the production of films. This would offer me broader exploration as a student and possible pursuits in the professional world after college.
\tA classroom environment that is not cloistered but psychologically and socially open is important for a rich classroom experience. I am looking for a classroom environment where the discussion represents the views of people whose backgrounds are more varied then what exit on the New Jersey Turnpike they are from. Although the students at GW are nationally and ethnically diverse, they represent primarily the same socio-economic groups or political opinions, creating an academic environment that is rather stifling then creative. During my visits to NYU, I have noticed that NYU students see difference as creativity where GW students see difference as heterodoxy. Due to NYU’s lack of a campus, its students become a part of the City rather then a system within the City. At NYU, students cannot hide themselves in an ivory tower but are encouraged to engage in the City cosmopolitan. GW, by contrast, embraces its hemmed-in nature by explicitly naming its upperclassman dormitory and my residence, The Ivory Tower. This facet of the NYU experience enables its students to draw their values and beliefs from probably the most diverse city in the world, creating a rich classroom experience. Since NYU students are diverse in ways in a manner greater then simply ethnic or national background, they create an environment conducive to original thinking and intellectual growth. This is environment is important to developing attitudes that will serve the student in his lifelong pursuits, both practical and academic.

Does anyone else find it sad that in order to gain entry into a school, you have to verbally fallate them? I found that frustrating in doing my applications.

 

[ghulkhan]

Originally Posted by Violinist

Does anyone else find it sad that in order to gain entry into a school, you have to verbally fallate them? I found that frustrating in doing my applications.

When I applied to colelges the first time around, my essay was so simple that a ten year old kid could read it. I was following the advice of my hs english teacher who thought I would soulnd ike a pompous asshole using big words. It worked though but this time around I think i should sound a bit more "scholarly" after being in college for two years...

 

[MrRogers]

He is right though; you are using "big" words incorrectly in your essay. Perhaps simplifying your language might help you out a bit

MrR

 

[ghulkhan]

Yea I took some of the words out and crossed out a sentence or two...I think im going to simplify the language a bit
I thought I was using some of it correctly like the words...stifling, heterodoxy, ivory tower, cosmopolitin

i took out the sentence about academic strut

im going to make a bunch of revisions tomm and put another draft up if you would be willing to take another look

 

[MrRogers]

Im out for a weeks vaca tomorrow but keep at it.


Another important thing is that you cannot send something in with words spelled incorrectly (case in point "cosmopolitan") Give your final few drafts to someone else to look over for spelling errors

MrR

 

[Concordia]

Above comments are on target: cut out clutter, jargon, unnecessarily long words.

Also, be careful about how you describe your current situation. Your reference to New Jersey suburbanites is a little snide, and your frustration about GW comes through stronger than you might want. It just seems a little immature. Better to say "I've come to value X and Y even more since coming to college, and I believe that I will find much more of those characteristics at NYU." Always turn it into something positive and assertive. Nobody wants a whiner.

But cut the verbiage.

Long-term advice (and maybe useful in the short term if you read quickly): read and pay attention to Strunk and White's Elements of Style. I've heard that the older editions are actually a little better than the new one, but that book is a classic.

 

[gdl203]

I wouldn't use the expression "lack of campus". I went to NYU and they like to think of their campus as an "open campus" not as an inexistent one

Edit: just saw that MrRogers made the same point

 

[lee_44106]

I have no useful comment to make about your actual essay. Those much better qualified to criticism have done so and provided sound advice.

I do recommend that you, to whom English is not a native tongue, read articles in journals such as Time, Newsweek. They are well-written and succinct, not in the fourth-grade USA Today manner.

One of the major drawbacks of the rampant Instant Messaging of today is that quality writing is becoming scarce.

 

[mizanation]

oldie but still a goodie:

 

[Bradford]

A couple of thoughts for you...

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

....
\tNew York University offers a broad curriculum and faculty for its undergraduate Psychology program. For example, NYU's Psychology department offers a variety of core specific lab courses that are designed with a hands-on approach to teach students to use research techniques in the various subfields of psychology. This combined with a more robust faculty enables students to focus on a core concentration in modern psychology to a greater extent then my current institution. In addition, NYU offers a number of opportunities for student research. This is important to gain a greater understanding of the field, enabling students to use their education outside of a purely academic world.

NYU knows what they offer - you don't have to tell them, instead, tell them why it matters to you.

How about something like, "I am very interested in the opportunity to enroll in the NYU undergraduate Psychology program and look forward to learning research techniques through a "hands-on" approach. My interest in attending NYU is also because of the excellent faculty and opportunities for student research."

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

\tMoreover, college is a time for students to seek fulfillment, both intellectual and personal. My intellectual curiosity has pushed me to study psychology because it lies at the root of many seemingly unrelated human and historical events. NYU encourages students to pursue diverse interests in the cause of this fulfillment by placing creativity and intellectual curiosity where it belongs, at the heart of academic strut. (what is strut?) Therefore it offers even students of other disciplines training and education in film and the arts. I would love to be able to take advantage of the program that Tisch offers for NYU undergraduates to minor in the production of films. This would offer me broader exploration as a student and possible pursuits in the professional world after college.

Or you could say, "While I do plan to major in psychology, I am also interested in the NYU film program and am very interested in minoring in film production. I am confident that this will allow me to broaden my academic pursuits and skills.

Question - what pursuits does a Psych/Film student go into? I would talk more about how this combination is a good intellectual fit and how psychology and film go hand-in-hand on exploring or explaining the human psyche or some BS like that.

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

\tA classroom environment that is not cloistered but psychologically and socially open is important for a rich classroom experience. I am looking for a classroom environment where the discussion represents the views of people whose backgrounds are more varied then what exit on the New Jersey Turnpike they are from. Although the students at GW are nationally and ethnically diverse, they represent primarily the same socio-economic groups or political opinions, creating an academic environment that is rather stifling then creative. During my visits to NYU, I have noticed that NYU students see difference as creativity where GW students see difference as heterodoxy. Due to NYU's lack of a campus, its students become a part of the City rather then a system within the City. At NYU, students cannot hide themselves in an ivory tower but are encouraged to engage in the City cosmopolitan. GW, by contrast, embraces its hemmed-in nature by explicitly naming its upperclassman dormitory and my residence, The Ivory Tower. This facet of the NYU experience enables its students to draw their values and beliefs from probably the most diverse city in the world, creating a rich classroom experience. Since NYU students are diverse in ways in a manner greater then simply ethnic or national background, they create an environment conducive to original thinking and intellectual growth. This is environment is important to developing attitudes that will serve the student in his lifelong pursuits, both practical and academic.


I'm not going to rewrite this, but I would just suggest that you simply highlight the benefits you perceive at NYU and leave out any comments about the drawbacks you currently find at GW. The admissions department at NYU probably could care less about why you want to leave your current school - they want to know why you are trying to get in to NYU. Plus, what happens if the admissions officer who reads your essay is originally from New Jersey? You'd be pretty much screwed.

Hope this helps.

 

[yerfdog]

then/than
make sure you are using the right one. this is one of those obvious things that you can fix easily and that makes you look stupid if you don't.


"rather stifling then creative" "part of the City rather then a system within the City." both wrong

I only skimmed but I did not see a single correct usage of the word "then"