serious advice question

[globetrotter]

MFing mother in law, may she rot in hell for ever and ever, just told my wife that my wife's father had "tried" to have my MIL's parents killed (apperently, he had found somebody willling to do it, but couldn't come up with the money). my wife never met her father - he married my mother in law, and left her before my wife was born. MIL' parents pretty much bought this guy to marry thier daughter, as nobody else would. or at least this is the story that I have heard. I would believe it, I can't imagine that it would be possible to have enough money to pay some body to marry my MIL. in any event, my wife knew that, and she knew that her father had killed himself, years later.

now, after I had a big argument with my MIL yesterday, while I was at work today my MIL told my wife that my wife's father had tried to kill MIls parents - I cna't help but assume that this was in the context of "men are so bad, even though you trust them, they turn around and try to kill your parents" type of thing.

now my wife has basically spent the day in bed and is emotionally devestated over this.


anyway - I have a problem


1. I don't see what the problem is, honestly.

a. I don't believe most of what MIL says
b. he didn't actually have them killed
c. they were really not nice people, anyway
d. most of my friends have killed people, what's the big deal?

2. I don't know what I am supposed to do for my wife about this? saying "well, that is an interesting factoid but it has no relevance to our lives" didn't cut it.

3. I am sure that MIL sprung this little bit of information as a reaction to our fight yesterday (we were at a fair with my son, she dissapeared with my son for 15 minutes without saying where they were going, when they came back, I told him that he wasn't to go anywhere with her, without my wife and I's permission, she tried to argue with me about it, I told her not to interupt, she took off and made her way home by herself, driving us crazy looking for her)


anyway - seriously if you don't live in your parents basement, and you think that you have somethign relevant to advise me her, shoot - I am at a loss.

 

[GQgeek]

didn't you and your wife put a ban on the ML months ago?

 

[texas_jack]

Good god. I'm never getting married.

 

[ghulkhan]

when talking to your wife I dont think you should focus on c and d for your argument


but thats just me. good luck with all of this!

 

[Rome]

I agree with you. Have you asked your wife why it bothers her so much? This "parent trap" story may just be periphery to what is really bothering her.

 

[ghulkhan]

maybe she agrees with you that her mother is making all this up. and the fact that her mother is kinda crazy is making her emotionally distraught

 

[Manton]

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

when talking to your wife I dont think you should focus on c and d for your argument


but thats just me.
Not just you; I think that's sound advice. I would go further: not only don't focus on them, don't even mention them.

 

[Rome]

I killed a transient once to see what all the hype was about.

 

[philosophe]

Well, this one is a challenge. If the story is true, it's certainly disturbing. If, on the other hand, it's not true, it's also disturbing, since it's just a case of your MIL trying attract attention and sympathy for herself and divide you and your wife. She seems to want to pull your wife more deeply into her family of origin, i.e., away from you and the current family, who must make her hellishly jealous.

If I were your wife, I would hate being subject to this jealous pull by mom. I assume your wife knows that her mother gets out of hand. What should you do? Support your wife, perhaps comment on the divisive, attention-getting strategy here, ask your wife what she would like from you.

basically, I think the key thing here is not to get into a tug of war over your wife's attention. After all, she's chosen you. She's stuck with her crazy mother.

 

[mano]

1. Find Jesus Christ.
2. Have him resurect your wife's dead father
3. Lend him the money

 

[lawyerdad]

Yikes. My continuing sympathies, globe. Some semi-random thoughts:
1. It's no help suggesting that your wife shouldn't be bothered by it. It would be nice if she wasn't, but obviously she is. That's not easy to change. MIL clearly is an abhorrent nutcase, but she still your wife's mom, which is a pretty powerful link. Plus, she's obviously playing on whatever acknowledged or unacknowledged feelings your wife has about her biological father. Again, whether or not she ever knew him, and whether or not there's any shred of truth in the crap she's spewing, I'd imagine that's going to be a touchy issue for someone in your wife's situation.
2. If she's not, your wife should probably be getting some professional help in dealing with this crap. (By "professional help" I don't mean somebody to whack MIL, although I can see the appeal of such an approach.) I think it's really hard for kids of ******, crazy, abusive parents to truly accept that it's not their fault they have ****** parents and to let go of the delusion that they can somehow "fix" things and "make" the relationship work. Although I'm neither professionally qualified enough or knowledgeable enough about your wife's situation to have an opinion that you should treat with any credulity, my random worthless opinion is that it sounds like your wife would be better off (as would you and your son) if you excluded MIL from your lives. Not as any sort of "punishment", but just as a coldly rational cost/benefit decision that recognizes the harm she does to your family's emotional well-being. Again, that's easy for me to say, a little harder for you to suggest (much better of the suggestion comes from a therapist than you - you don't want to be the one "forcing her to choose" between her mother and you), and much harder for your wife to come to grips with.
Good luck, man, it's not an easy situation to say the least.

 

[lawyerdad]

Originally Posted by ghulkhan

when talking to your wife I dont think you should focus on c and d for your argument


but thats just me. good luck with all of this!

I was assuming "d" was tongue-in-cheek, at least as a suggested talking point. Maybe I'm naive.

 

[ghulkhan]

Originally Posted by Manton

Not just you; I think that's sound advice. I would go further: not only don't focus on them, don't even mention them.
yea that sounds better also, I wouldnt really argue with her anyways. I think shes just probably overwhelmed. If you argue with her she might feel that you are attacking her and you dont want that. I think just be supportive for a bit and just maybe suggest your own view. Dont tell her shes wrong and all that. You just have to supportive and she will probably come around on her own. Because what if someday down the future, it ends up being true and you are wrong. Then your wifes going to make you look like the fool and all this might come back. I think its just a time to support her till she comes to her own realization. Not for you to correct her in a correcting manner. Maybe just subtely tell her to keep an open mind

 

[mano]

I just re-read your post and you want serious answers.

Sit with your wife and let her tell you what's on her mind. Be an active listener, and don't give advice or your opinion unless she asks for it.

Eventually she'll get over it until the next mess your MIL creates.

 

[imageWIS]

Originally Posted by mano

1. Find Jesus Christ.
2. Have him resurect your wife's dead father
3. Lend him the money

LMFAO

Jon.