Relationship advice: that ex

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by fine leather on my feet, Apr 11, 2006.

  1. globetrotter

    globetrotter Senior member

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    I agree with Jay - this is when you start treating her as hostile. if she wants her ex, get what you can out of the relationship, just don't be a pussy about it.

    there is no rule that means you have to be walked all over.
     


  2. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    If she refuses to comply, then count yourself lucky you got laid, go get drunk, and then look for somebody else.

    And if you can, try to track down the "hot 19 year old blond with great size 38 tits, green eyes and curly hair" that GT mentioned.
     


  3. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    I am 20 years old

    the advice is the advice i wanted to hear, i just needed to be pushed to the brink of doing something about it because thinking to myself i felt absolutely helpless
     


  4. CTGuy

    CTGuy Made Guy

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    As usual, I find Jay's pragmatic view of relationships crass, terrible, and depressingly accurate.

    I don't know if I find it depressing. I think from my own experience- he speaks the truth.

    Even if you find "true love" you need to ask yourself how much bullshit you are going to put up with. For example- would you date someone who you were in love with if there behavior constantly interfered with other important parts of your life like family, work, hobbies/passions? I say no. A relationship is inherently compromise, but the reality is love in the context of a successful relationship is about more than attraction and feelings-- it is in large part about compatibility. A workaholic is a probably a bad match for someone who is co-dependant, someone who wants an exclusive relationship is not a good match for someone who is still into dating multiple people.
     


  5. Arethusa

    Arethusa Senior member

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    Within your view of relationships (and it is worth noting that this is pretty much the mainstream view that most people subscribe to), then, yeah, your opinion makes sense. I disagree with basically every tenet of that, however, hence the depressing reaction. I think Jay is right. I just think it's a terrible way to get into a relationship in the first place.
     


  6. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    because thinking to myself i felt absolutely helpless

    The advice on this thread isn't intended to make you feel bad, and I hope that hasn't been the case. I hope that you find it empowering to make a call on your terms and stick to it. There's no need to feel helpless in a relationship, even a serious one, when you're 20.

    Most of us have been there, and have felt that strong emotional attachment. Our advice doesn't discount that these choices are very painful. However, it's a necessary step. You need to take care of yourself, and do so with completely open eyes. Good luck.
     


  7. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    I think Jay is right. I just think it's a terrible way to get into a relationship in the first place.

    The tough thing is that it's a gamble either way. If you get into a relationship based primarily on compatibility, you're gambling that the feelings will strengthen/remain long-term. If you get into a relationship based on strong feelings, you're gambling that the compatibility issues will work themselves out.

    The meta-question is whether the increased likelihood of long-term success (if any) of the former overrides our emotional desire for the latter.
     


  8. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    It was depressing before this thread
    Thinking about the situation to myself, i felt like i had no power to do anything about it and that i would always have that nagging distrust in the asshole ex, which in turn makes it hard for me to feel commited to her

    If she does love me as much as she says, if we can get through anything, then we can get through this

    if i provide an ultimatum along the lines of me or him, and she feels that she cant be with me when i lay that on the line, then obviously there are feelings more than just friends

    its just hard hearing after bringing it up in the past that she loves me, and i have to trust that. I believe she loves me, but that does not make the uneasy feeling of having this douche bag around go away
     


  9. jay allen

    jay allen Well-Known Member

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    I am 20 years old the advice is the advice i wanted to hear, i just needed to be pushed to the brink of doing something about it because thinking to myself i felt absolutely helpless
    Believe me, I know this kind of thing sucks. We've all been there....and we've all lived to tell about it. I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all.....there really isn't anything much worse than being in a bad relationship. Look at it this way.....Shouldn't she care how it makes YOU feel when she is mooning over this other nimrod? That clearly isn't the case. I think I've said this before.....there are 3 freakin' BILLION women in the world.....I guarantee you will eventually hook up with one that treats you with respect. She doesn't.....you deserve better.....she's history. Think of it like a great pair of shoes. They look great, were very expensive, very stylish, and you always get compliments from your buddies on them. The only problem is that they give you a blister every time you wear them. All the reasons to keep them don't trump the one reason to get rid of them......they make you feel bad. Now before I get jumped for comparing women to shoes.....I'm not. Just making a lame Dr. Phil analogy. Good luck to you man.....it will get worse....and then it will get MUCH better.
     


  10. Arethusa

    Arethusa Senior member

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    I very much agree with that. A healthy relationship can only exist between equals. You can love someone very much who treats you like shit, but this is rather much like trying to save a friend from drugs.
     


  11. Stu

    Stu Senior member

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    besides giving me ways to seek revenge on a girl i love

    what is wrong with this situation? am i wrong in wondering why the FUCK her exboyfriend who has done so many unforgivable things and done absolutely nothing to make up for it, is still in her life?



    Your first problem is that you are ascribing logic and reason to a woman. As we say in Spanish, hay que partir de la premisa esa. Or you need to move away from that position because it will get you nowhere. I'm not msygonic (God I cannot spell worth a shit) but really women are wired way way way different than we are. What seems logical to you doesn't even occurr to her. Sorry I'm not of more help, but just hear what a grizzled veteran has to say. I vote for Globe's approach.
     


  12. Stu

    Stu Senior member

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    It was depressing before this thread
    Thinking about the situation to myself, i felt like i had no power to do anything about it and that i would always have that nagging distrust in the asshole ex, which in turn makes it hard for me to feel commited to her

    If she does love me as much as she says, if we can get through anything, then we can get through this

    if i provide an ultimatum along the lines of me or him, and she feels that she cant be with me when i lay that on the line, then obviously there are feelings more than just friends

    its just hard hearing after bringing it up in the past that she loves me, and i have to trust that. I believe she loves me, but that does not make the uneasy feeling of having this douche bag around go away


    I think you need to go boink one of her hot girlfriends.
     


  13. Saucemaster

    Saucemaster Sized Down 2

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    Your first problem is that you are ascribing logic and reason to a woman.

    "Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
    Melvin Udall: I think of a man. Then I take away reason and accountability."

    Seriously, though, I think Jay's on point. But whatever you do, don't deliver an ultimatum unless you're 100% sure you can follow through with it when she refuses, because she will probably refuse. Personally, I refuse any ultimatum on principle alone, even without vested interests to protect. In any case, if you give her an ultimatum and she refuses (or agrees, but then breaks it), you have *got* to be ready to walk away or you will be her doormat for as long as she decides to keep you around.
     


  14. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    In any case, if you give her an ultimatum and she refuses (or agrees, but then breaks it), you have *got* to be ready to walk away or you will be her doormat for as long as she decides to keep you around.

    True that. Also, beware of giving ultimatums that aren't true ultimatums, e.g. "you can't conrtinue to see your ex as much/behave inappropriately with him/see him under certain circumstances, etc." The point of an ultimatum is that it's a clear line in the dirt.
     


  15. LA Guy

    LA Guy Opposite Santa Staff Member Admin Moderator

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    To summarize - you're so fucked. Walk away while you still have your sanity and dignity. I've lost both before, and seen pretty much all my friends do the same. Not pretty. Sorry dude.

    BTW, I have plenty of good female friends. None of them are exes. Once you cross the line, there is no going back.
     


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