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Relationship advice: that ex

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by fine leather on my feet, Apr 11, 2006.

  1. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    because thinking to myself i felt absolutely helpless

    The advice on this thread isn't intended to make you feel bad, and I hope that hasn't been the case. I hope that you find it empowering to make a call on your terms and stick to it. There's no need to feel helpless in a relationship, even a serious one, when you're 20.

    Most of us have been there, and have felt that strong emotional attachment. Our advice doesn't discount that these choices are very painful. However, it's a necessary step. You need to take care of yourself, and do so with completely open eyes. Good luck.
     
  2. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    I think Jay is right. I just think it's a terrible way to get into a relationship in the first place.

    The tough thing is that it's a gamble either way. If you get into a relationship based primarily on compatibility, you're gambling that the feelings will strengthen/remain long-term. If you get into a relationship based on strong feelings, you're gambling that the compatibility issues will work themselves out.

    The meta-question is whether the increased likelihood of long-term success (if any) of the former overrides our emotional desire for the latter.
     
  3. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    It was depressing before this thread
    Thinking about the situation to myself, i felt like i had no power to do anything about it and that i would always have that nagging distrust in the asshole ex, which in turn makes it hard for me to feel commited to her

    If she does love me as much as she says, if we can get through anything, then we can get through this

    if i provide an ultimatum along the lines of me or him, and she feels that she cant be with me when i lay that on the line, then obviously there are feelings more than just friends

    its just hard hearing after bringing it up in the past that she loves me, and i have to trust that. I believe she loves me, but that does not make the uneasy feeling of having this douche bag around go away
     
  4. jay allen

    jay allen Well-Known Member

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    I am 20 years old the advice is the advice i wanted to hear, i just needed to be pushed to the brink of doing something about it because thinking to myself i felt absolutely helpless
    Believe me, I know this kind of thing sucks. We've all been there....and we've all lived to tell about it. I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all.....there really isn't anything much worse than being in a bad relationship. Look at it this way.....Shouldn't she care how it makes YOU feel when she is mooning over this other nimrod? That clearly isn't the case. I think I've said this before.....there are 3 freakin' BILLION women in the world.....I guarantee you will eventually hook up with one that treats you with respect. She doesn't.....you deserve better.....she's history. Think of it like a great pair of shoes. They look great, were very expensive, very stylish, and you always get compliments from your buddies on them. The only problem is that they give you a blister every time you wear them. All the reasons to keep them don't trump the one reason to get rid of them......they make you feel bad. Now before I get jumped for comparing women to shoes.....I'm not. Just making a lame Dr. Phil analogy. Good luck to you man.....it will get worse....and then it will get MUCH better.
     
  5. Arethusa

    Arethusa Senior member

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    I very much agree with that. A healthy relationship can only exist between equals. You can love someone very much who treats you like shit, but this is rather much like trying to save a friend from drugs.
     
  6. Stu

    Stu Senior member

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    besides giving me ways to seek revenge on a girl i love

    what is wrong with this situation? am i wrong in wondering why the FUCK her exboyfriend who has done so many unforgivable things and done absolutely nothing to make up for it, is still in her life?



    Your first problem is that you are ascribing logic and reason to a woman. As we say in Spanish, hay que partir de la premisa esa. Or you need to move away from that position because it will get you nowhere. I'm not msygonic (God I cannot spell worth a shit) but really women are wired way way way different than we are. What seems logical to you doesn't even occurr to her. Sorry I'm not of more help, but just hear what a grizzled veteran has to say. I vote for Globe's approach.
     
  7. Stu

    Stu Senior member

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    It was depressing before this thread
    Thinking about the situation to myself, i felt like i had no power to do anything about it and that i would always have that nagging distrust in the asshole ex, which in turn makes it hard for me to feel commited to her

    If she does love me as much as she says, if we can get through anything, then we can get through this

    if i provide an ultimatum along the lines of me or him, and she feels that she cant be with me when i lay that on the line, then obviously there are feelings more than just friends

    its just hard hearing after bringing it up in the past that she loves me, and i have to trust that. I believe she loves me, but that does not make the uneasy feeling of having this douche bag around go away


    I think you need to go boink one of her hot girlfriends.
     
  8. Saucemaster

    Saucemaster Senior member

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    Your first problem is that you are ascribing logic and reason to a woman.

    "Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
    Melvin Udall: I think of a man. Then I take away reason and accountability."

    Seriously, though, I think Jay's on point. But whatever you do, don't deliver an ultimatum unless you're 100% sure you can follow through with it when she refuses, because she will probably refuse. Personally, I refuse any ultimatum on principle alone, even without vested interests to protect. In any case, if you give her an ultimatum and she refuses (or agrees, but then breaks it), you have *got* to be ready to walk away or you will be her doormat for as long as she decides to keep you around.
     
  9. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    In any case, if you give her an ultimatum and she refuses (or agrees, but then breaks it), you have *got* to be ready to walk away or you will be her doormat for as long as she decides to keep you around.

    True that. Also, beware of giving ultimatums that aren't true ultimatums, e.g. "you can't conrtinue to see your ex as much/behave inappropriately with him/see him under certain circumstances, etc." The point of an ultimatum is that it's a clear line in the dirt.
     
  10. LA Guy

    LA Guy Opposite Santa Staff Member Admin Moderator

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    To summarize - you're so fucked. Walk away while you still have your sanity and dignity. I've lost both before, and seen pretty much all my friends do the same. Not pretty. Sorry dude.

    BTW, I have plenty of good female friends. None of them are exes. Once you cross the line, there is no going back.
     
  11. jay allen

    jay allen Well-Known Member

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    My last 2 cents on this issue...........

    Like many have suggested....be careful of the ultimatum. It rarely, ir ever, works. The fact is that you've talked about this with her several times already. Has anything changed...has she made any effort to understand your feelings on this subject? I would guess she hasn't.....and you know why.....because she knows she doesn't have to.

    I wouldn't issue an ultimatum and deal with all the drama that would follow. She will run out the "you don't trust me shit" in attempt to make this issue all about YOU.

    If you go the ultimatum route it will guarantee a big fight.....no satisfactory resolution....and more of the same shit. The answer is to just ditch her....no drama.....no fight.....no tears....no anything. Do your best Clint Eastwood impression....and walk away. She has to come to the realization that you aren't willing to put up with her high school bullshit.

    This is not the kind of thing you can do halfway....it's all or nothing. Anything short of walking away...not answering cell phone calls...and generally ignoring her will not work. Either she figures out that you aren't a pussy and that you can't be pushed around anymore.....or she doesn't. Either way...you win.

    Believe me...as sure at the sun is going to come up from the East tomorrow....I'm right about this. Exit this kind of relationship with your self respect intact.
     
  12. itsstillmatt

    itsstillmatt Senior member Dubiously Honored

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    I don't mean to be a jerk, but I would bet dollars to donuts that she is still sleeping with the guy. You don't need that.
     
  13. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    that is one thing i am absolutely certain on, she is not sleeping with him


    i dont suspect she is cheating on me, i just suspect that she is holding on to some sort of feelings for this person that prevent her from doing what any normal person would do and chuck that ex in the garbage
     
  14. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    Despite my response to someone else's comment regarding an ultimatum, I agree with the "just walk away" sentiment.

    What is happening here isn't a miscommunication. It's a lack of understanding by all parties on what is truly taking place. Now that you understand the reality of the situation, base your actions on that, and not the drama. Just go. Seriously, dude. Bag it and tag it.
     
  15. Mr. Checks

    Mr. Checks Senior member

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    Congratulations, you are learning this at 20, which is probably a decade saved in your life.

    I need to make the basic point that is implied in all the other posts: if he still has the ability to make her cry, there is still too much in the way of feelings between them.

    You need to be looking for a woman who is polite but indifferent toward her ex, not passionate toward him.

    FWIW: I second the "walk away" approach, rather than the ultimatum. When/if she leaves a voice mail three weeks later that he is gone, allow her slowly back into your life.
     
  16. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    that is one thing i am absolutely certain on, she is not sleeping with him

    I have no insight into this issue one way or the other, but I'm curious. Are you certain of this because her schedule is so full and you see her so often that she literally does not have the available time? Or because you know her well enough to know that such behavior is not in her character?

    One of those is an educated guess, and one of those is just a guess.
     
  17. wpeters

    wpeters Senior member

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    If he still has the ability to make her cry, there is still too much in the way of feelings between them.

    Unless he's running around spraying her in the eyes with RAID or something. In which case, stand up for your woman!
     
  18. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    I have no insight into this issue one way or the other, but I'm curious. Are you certain of this because her schedule is so full and you see her so often that she literally does not have the available time? Or because you know her well enough to know that such behavior is not in her character?

    One of those is an educated guess, and one of those is just a guess.



    i guess i can say there is no possible time for her to be sneaking it in, and she knows that if i ever found out, that i would literally kill the other person
     
  19. LA Guy

    LA Guy Opposite Santa Staff Member Admin Moderator

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    Ultimatums never work. Walk away. Don't look back. If you must, listen to the last track on Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band's "Stranger in Town" on repeat. Hang out with friends, and at some point, find someone else. Repeat as necessary.
     
  20. fine leather on my feet

    fine leather on my feet Member

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    ok, since it was brought up now, i want to bring up the fact that the ex boyfriend is in reality an ex girlfriend

    i would have beat the shit out of her long ago if in fact she was a he
     

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