rebuilding my social skills

[Bokeh]

I've pretty much been in hibernation mode these past 5 years after my 2nd divorce.

Now that Im re-entering the world, I realize that my social skills pretty much suck.

after hearing a voicemail I left for someone a few days ago I realize I sorta mumble and slur my speech.
in social situations It seems I either talk way too softly(most often), or too loudly.

I seem to get mentally overexcited when I am finally interacting in a social situation, and usually regret it the next day.

I usually get nervous and my mouth seems to dry out pretty fast, so I avoid talking. sometimes I think my breath might stink a little as time goes on since brushing teeth, or after drinks & dinner, or even that I may accidentally spit while I'm talking

I never think of something to talk about, and I'm usually short, abrupt and to the point with my answers when talked to. I have a hard time following conversations because I am usually overthinking about how I should react or respond.

Im not sure if I have a hearing problem or it's just because too many other thoughts are on my mind, but I seem to have a hard time listening to people in noisy environments, but those are the environments I like.. I've had my hearing checked and the results were that I had no problems, but that is done in a sound booth..


any tips on how I can rebuild/practice my social skills? I don't want to try too hard and come off fake, but I know I need to improve in this area.


-thanks

 

[Harold falcon]

You need to join a group. It doesn't matter what it is, just get out to a social exercise. It could joining a chess club, a bowling league, the Sons of Norway, anything. Or consider volunteering to help homeless people. It doesn't matter. Check your local newspaper for active groups and clubs and go join one. It will help.

 

[Bokeh]

Thanks.

Once I get back home in November I'm going to join a gym. I'll also look into other group things that are in the area.

My cousin invited me to go out with her and her friend to a bar tonight. It should be a little easier to be in the social situation since I will be with them, and my cousin is one less person I need to worry about judging me. But I'm about 15 or so years older than them.

Maybe tonight I'll try working on my listening, and try not to get so wrapped up in my thoughts



hmm what to drink..? since I feel a little more comfortable with something in my hands in social situations, I'll probably go with beer like dos equis or heineken

 

[alliswell]

With all respect, there are better places with more qualified people to ask for help than here.

 

[acl1]

Originally Posted by alliswell

With all respect, there are better places with more qualified people to ask for help than here.

very true. if you're willing to take a step out there, you could consider social skills building with a psychologist. Patients who are in remission or recovering from certain conditions and disorders often use them as a precursor to actual physical contact irl; it could be worth a shot.

 

[Bokeh]

thanks guys.

But, one of my things is that I am definitely not seeking psychology help from therapists and the like. I did that 6-10 years ago after my 1st & 2nd divorce and it seemed to put me into this pattern of thinking. I'm trying to get out of that mode of operation. anything they can do, I can do for myself and learn in the process, thats the route I'm taking this time.


Last night was fun but I overdid it. thats one of my problems? I tend to feel that I need to go to extremes when I go out in order to have a good time: bought a few rounds of drinks, anded up smoking some medical MJ, woke up at a strangers house at 6am then walked a mile to car.

I just got home and noticed thoughts of regret for last night. but, I caught myself in the same old thinking pattern, and up until now it hasnt worked. I switched the thoughts of regret to thoughts of "Yes, I did have fun" yea, I'll learn from it, and will not be doing it again soon, but while at it, it was alot of fun (from what I remember)

 

[Nosu3]

Originally Posted by Bokeh

after hearing a voicemail I left for someone a few days ago I realize I sorta mumble and slur my speech.

This happens to me too, people sometimes think I'm high and/or drunk but I don't do either. I tell myself it's because of the stomach acid in my voice box and because I have a very deep voice I don't speak in many tones. I get compliments on my voice a lot so it balances out (sometimes called creepy, futuristic, opening for a Hitchcock film, if these count as compliments).

 

[Sander]

I think you need to build confidence in yourself in some way. That would make everything easier. You already started losing weight, right? Sports sure would be a good idea. Of course you mustn't overestimate yourself, that would have the reverse effect.

 

[Reggs]

Originally Posted by harvey_birdman

Or consider volunteering to help homeless people.
Homeless people will talk your eat off because they have nothing better to do, and forgive your shortcomings since theirs are always much worse. A great place to start, seriously. P.S. Dont be the guy who talks about his divorces all the time. Everyone hates that.

 

[willpower]

Toastmasters, which I've never attended but I have heard good things about the organization. Open Mic Standup Comedy, which I do a few times a week and despite getting very few laughs, it's an exhilarating experience every time. A difficult thing to do for a shy guy like me. I hate it as much as I like it but it's helped make me more extroverted and comfortable in social interactions. Anything to get you out of your comfort zone. Nothing better for your confidence.

 

[JMSBNSN]

Go to the mall and strike up conversations with workers and shoppers. That's how I got out of my shell.