Perspective Needed - Is this screwed up?

[globetrotter]

one of my very best friends had a daughter who was born with a lot of problems, and died at one year age. he is one of the most rational people I know, and he made a series of decisions that I felt were incorrect about how to deal with the baby. you really can't tell how anybody will react in these situations, you can really just offer support.

 

[Rambo]

Aren't NICU's mostly sealed areas? I doubt that the mother could be spending any serious amount of time with the baby at this point anyways. Plus, as Pio already noted, NICU nurses are a dedicated bunch. They'll be hovering over that kid non-stop.

 

[gdl203]

Parents can always visit and spend time with their NICU babies. The number of people who can visit a baby in the NICU may be limited, but parents are usually allowed to stay almost 24 hours a day (except when the medical team performs its daily examination and evaluation). Ask the NICU's social worker about what accommodations are available for parents — cots, recliners, or nearby housing such as through the Ronald McDonald House Charities.

Other family members can visit only during specified hours and only a few at a time. And siblings may not be allowed in the NICU because children have a greater risk of introducing an infection. Check with the hospital staff to determine which family members can see your baby.

Depending on how sick your child is, you may be able to hold your little one even if he or she is on a ventilator or has an IV. If the doctors feel that would be too much for your baby, you can still hold his or her hand, stroke his or her head, and talk and sing to him or her. A gentle, consistent touch will be the most reassuring.

But for some very premature infants, touching is extremely stressful (if they were still in the womb, they would have little tactile stimulation). In these cases, doctors may suggest that you minimize physical contact but still spend as much time as possible with your baby. Check with the doctor or nurses to figure out how much and what type of contact is best.

If you can hold your baby, you may be able to breastfeed or pump your milk and bottle-feed. Most NICUs have screens to allow mothers to breastfeed their babies at the bedside.

Kangaroo care (or skin-to-skin contact) is another option to help you forge a bond with your new baby. Here's how it works:

•Place your baby (who's usually dressed in just a diaper and a hat) on your chest underneath your shirt, so your little one is resting directly on your skin.
•Loosely close your shirt over your baby to help keep him or her warm.

Doctors and researchers have suggested that skin-to-skin contact can improve babies' recovery time and help them leave the NICU sooner.

But the best way for parents to help their babies in the NICU is to be there for them and learn to read their behaviors. This will help you to figure out:

•when your baby is stressed and needs to rest
•when your baby is ready to bond with you
•what type of interaction your baby likes (stroking, singing, etc.)
•what time of day your baby is the most alert
•how long your baby can respond to you before getting tired
Although you want to make time for interacting with your infant, you also want to allow periods of undisturbed sleep. Let your baby set the pace for your time together and you'll both get more out of it.

FYI

 

[Rambo]

Originally Posted by gdl203

FYI
Do you think they quoted this to Douglas' friend? If you stay with the kid are you charged as if you were a patient? Also, do you get free food and whatnot? I can imagine this factoring in for someone who was poor.

 

[Douglas]

Update: Baby L is dead.

I'm filled with a sense of guilt, horror, emptiness, and guilt (we intended to go see him but never made it). Can't imagine what the mother is going through, even though I'm fighting feelings of anger with her. Oh well, wtf can I do.

 

[whiteslashasian]

Sad

Sorry to hear it.

 

[Alter]

Originally Posted by Douglas

Update: Baby L is dead.

I'm filled with a sense of guilt, horror, emptiness, and guilt (we intended to go see him but never made it). Can't imagine what the mother is going through, even though I'm fighting feelings of anger with her. Oh well, wtf can I do.

I am not getting the anger here, Douglas. She may have been misguided about staying at the hospital or not but that woman just lost her baby...I can't imagine anything but sympathy for that.

 

[Douglas]

perhaps your emotions are purer than mine, but most people, i think, have the capability to feel more than one thing at a time.

 

[kwilkinson]

The fact that you're angry at a person who just lost her baby, as if it's somehow her fault, is incredibly fucked up.

 

[Douglas]

When did I say it was "her fault?"

 

[philosophe]

Originally Posted by Douglas

Update: Baby L is dead.

I'm filled with a sense of guilt, horror, emptiness, and guilt (we intended to go see him but never made it). Can't imagine what the mother is going through, even though I'm fighting feelings of anger with her. Oh well, wtf can I do.


Terrible news. The parents need your sympathy and support. Do you somehow think that the parents could have saved Baby L?

 

[Douglas]

Look, I'm pretty much done talking about this, though no doubt someone will pull me back in sooner or later. It's a terrible tragedy for all involved, and I do feel awful for the mother. It's making me feel miserable - I shouldn't have bumped the thread, I guess, in retrospect, but I wanted a place to vent a little.

For the record, I don't think she deserved this, I am extremely skeptical there would have been a different outcome (even though what gdl linked seems to imply there might be some correlation), and I don't think talking about it really furthers anything meaningful. But I also find it terrible that this child spent a week here, dying, without its mother's loving touch or loving voice, and so mixed up in my grief for the mother and child is a sense of anger and sadness that the mother withdrew that love. I don't think that should be all that difficult to understand, though a number of you seem to have a purity of spirit and lack of judgmentality that would be enviable, were you not so haughtily judging me for expressing an opinion.

As I said, wtf can I do. It's over, it's a tragedy, but it happens every day and it even happens in more torturous circumstances and it's a fact of life that sometimes people die cold and alone.

 

[itsstillmatt]

I totally understand where you are coming from, but I'd caution you to realize that eventually the anger isn't going to do you any good.

 

[Rambo]

Originally Posted by Douglas

As I said, wtf can I do. It happens every day and it even happens in more torturous circumstances and it's a fact of life that sometimes people die cold and alone.
Maybe this was the mother's sentiment as well

 

[dcg]

Some folks are coming down way too hard on Douglas for being angry that a baby spent a week dying without his mother present.