Life Advice

[Svenn]

Originally Posted by Dedalus

Do you really want to settle down? There's nothing in your post about what you value (freedom vs. stability) or what you really want for yourself in life (professional or monetary achievements? kids?).

I agree, the above info would be necessary to make a determination.

I don't necessarily agree with the 'grow up' comments- there's nothing particularly mature about maintaining a stable relationship, or particularly unselfish about wanting to have kids... even the lowliest white trash or the common pigeon is capable of those feats.

Everyone on this planet and in this life is just seeking pleasure, whatever form it may be in. Perhaps you value the thrill of a beginning relationship more than a long commitment... nothing wrong with that, you're just a romantic. The only thing that seems to prevent you from pursuing that is some vague womanly concern about being 'single forever,' no?

 

[sunror]

there's a lot that's mature about maintaining a stable relationship and raising kids properly, and saying the opposite is idiotic.

but i also disagree about the growing up comments. you are thirty, and a male. you have decades left to grow up. **** till you burn out, and then start a ltr/family. if you never burn out, and want kids, then start an ltr and be prepared to deal with the consequences.

 

[Dedalus]

Originally Posted by sunror

there's a lot that's mature about maintaining a stable relationship and raising kids properly, and saying the opposite is idiotic.

but i also disagree about the growing up comments. you are thirty, and a male. you have decades left to grow up. **** till you burn out, and then start a ltr/family. if you never burn out, and want kids, then start an ltr and be prepared to deal with the consequences.

I think he meant that being in an LTR and having kids is not necessarily more mature than staying single. But starting a LTR just to have kids when you're ******* around, that is not cool at all. That's not fair to the girl or the children, and the only consequences I could see OP preparing for is 'regretting his life decisions.'

 

[sunror]

Originally Posted by Dedalus

But starting a LTR just to have kids when you're ******* around, that is not cool at all.

agreed that starting one of those early is dumb and he should wait, no reason to do it now. but if he never 'grows up,' the desire/need to have kid should ultimately trump the desire/purported desire to have a 'perfect family.'

 

[TheAlternateID]

Originally Posted by Dedalus

Do you really want to settle down? There's nothing in your post about what you value (freedom vs. stability) or what you really want for yourself in life (professional or monetary achievements? kids?).

I am in my early 30's, and work in retail and I think I do ok financially. I have never been single for longer than 2 months since I turned 18 and have been a relationship junkie. But each time I felt things get serious I would bolt. I justified it saying I was in college and well I was too determined to get done with things to consider being tied down.

Now I'm done with school, my career seems to be going ok, and the relationship is great. She does her thing, I do mine, we have some things in common. She brings stability to my life, and makes me think beyond the moment. I like the maturity she brings, I like the way I feel grounded.

I guess all in all, I am scared of making the big jump from a nameless relationship to a more formal one which will bind me. I find that sudden disappearance of freedom slightly intimidating. I like the state Ive been in for so long I am resisting the change... This is where I am coming from..

Once again thank you all for your comments,
TheAlternateID

 

[MetroStyles]

I feel you, man. I feel similar. Here are my pros and cons, though I am not currently in a relationship. Pros to settling down with one woman: - Stronger emotional connection / support / feel like you have a foundation to lean on - Easier to raise kids (if you want kids, which I do eventually) - More socially normal. This becomes a huge issue eventually that you have to be very mentally strong to overcome. People will downplay it, but that is bullshit. The big reason a lot of people get married is because they are expected to (though they may not go through this explicit thought process consciously). - Can bang without a condom without risk (for the most part) - Building a nest egg together / leveraging finances - When you find a really attractive, intelligent, nice girl, it makes some degree of sense to tie her down before someone else does. As you age, unless you are wealthy or famous, this will become more difficult to do. Cons to settling down with one woman: - Some men (myself included) are much more turned on by new romance rather than deep romance. Some men are not. But for the ones that are, it is very frustrating to be committed to one woman for the rest of your life. Even if you do not give in to the temptation, you are continually frustrated and wanting for something you cannot have. This is a sad way to live life. That is the 'external angle', in terms of wanting new women. The 'internal angle' is that some men just lose sexual interest after someone becomes too familiar with them. This really sucks, and I don't like it at all, but it's hard to pretend it isn't happening when it clearly does. The hope here is that I lose my sex drive eventually and then am free to settle down without this frustration. But that in itself is a pessimistic view. - Loss of mobility. Harder to "take a chance" and get a new job, move to another country, and in general a reduction of freedom. Some men enjoy freedom a lot, and the ability to be metaphorically nomadic. When you have a wife or fiancee with a job in a certain city, you can't just get up and leave on a whim. If you have a family with kids, forget it. You have loan payments, education to pay for, etc. - Possibility of losing a lot of wealth (e.g. divorce). Not a concern for me personally, but I figured it fit under this category. So as you see, it's not simple. Lots of moving parts in the decision. What if you fall completely on the "cons" side but you really want kids? Or your parents are depressed that they won't have grandchildren before they die? It's not simple folks. Give the guy a break.

 

[Svenn]

Originally Posted by Dedalus

I think he meant that being in an LTR and having kids is not necessarily more mature than staying single. But starting a LTR just to have kids when you're ******* around, that is not cool at all.

Exactly. What I find particularly odd is when people say someone is 'selfish' or immature because they're single and don't have kids, or 'only care about themselves', etc. Granted, there are a lot of idiotic, socially incompetent aging guys out there running around trying to sleep with 18 year olds, but there are mature ones as well that are just better suited to being single. I think the popular hostility to the latter stems mostly from jealousy of married guys, and I still believe having kids is one of the most self-centered things a human is capable of... that's not to say that taking care of them properly isn't an altruistic task, it certainly is.

Originally Posted by MetroStyles

- Can bang without a condom without risk (for the most part)

but what use is it if you've lost sexual interest in her?

Originally Posted by MetroStyles

some men just lose sexual interest after someone becomes too familiar with them. This really sucks, and I don't like it at all, but it's hard to pretend it isn't happening when it clearly does. The hope here is that I lose my sex drive eventually and then am free to settle down without this frustration.
That's my hope as well. I've heard guys talk about what a relief it is when their sex drive diminishes.

 

[TheAlternateID]

Just thought id share the gist of a quick convo with my mom this noon -

I am an abject failure for not having married, dating outside the community and she said she felt miserable having given birth to a son like me. Just wanted to add the pressure there is while it might not be prevalent in american society per se, the asian community still pressures the crap out of you.

Thanks t all that replied.

 

[Dakota rube]

^This explains a lot.

 

[acidboy]

tell your mom to mind her own ******* business. honestly, if my mom told me that, no matter how much I love her, she's out of the picture.

or better yet, tell her you're gay and you have a 250 pound, 6'8" black boyfriend, and you're moving in together.

 

[TheAlternateID]

@ Acidboy,

Highly unlikely. Thats not how I was raised. Getting her to meet the caucasian gf was a feat in itself. But on a drunk night, perhaps, this might have been a fun thought !

 

[oman]

this is a terrible thread, imo

 

[TheAlternateID]

@Oman Yet, you post. Terrible it is indeed.

 

[oman]

i only post out of utter disgust with you all

and im not just talking about this thread either

 

[Joffrey]

Originally Posted by TheAlternateID

So I need some help. I cant ask anyone and it will be clear in a bit why thats the case.

Ive been dating this girl and its quiet serious, to the point we are thinking of getting engaged and the kinds. Shes met the family, everyone loves her, its perfect. Shes great for me and everything.

So whats the prob you ask, every time in a relationship i get serious, i wreck it. I go out and find someone to cheat with or just break up, no reasons given. Up until this one it was not something I was too worried about. I was in school, I had my excuses.. none of which were sensible but ... anyways this time around I am seeing my behavior leading me to the road of being single for ever.

Now just as things are falling in place, I found my self a dalliance, which is futile at best. And I cant seem to freaking get my head out of ****** and not screw up .. any advise ?

Thanks in advance,
TheAlternateID

You sounnd like a jackass. You either cheat and have fun and not worry about it or don't. Quit trying to act like you can't control yourself.