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ITT We make fun of food reviewers

kwilkinson

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Whether it's professional in a newspaper or personal, via a blog or yelp, this is the thread to laugh at all the dipshits who think their opinions are worthwhile. I imagine this thread will be full of yelpers moreso than any other form.


The inspiration for this thread: A yelper who wrote this review for the Millenium Park location of Intelligentsia coffee.

There are those businesses that inspire the thought, "I'd like to run a shop one day," be it coffee, cars or clothes. Because every iota and modicum of this coffee shop is deeply inspired, this is one of those businesses. Yet, like a Yeti slogging through a wet dessert, uphill both ways, the attempt would render me feckless; the precision & prowess of roasting & brewing cannot be matched. My coffee shop should & would be called, "Sisyphus."

If you ever find yourself with the urge to belly up to a bar but you don't have the taste buds for liquored up suds... this coffee bar is unmatched. Considering the baristas are some of the best in the world, they offer V60 drip & a siphon pot & anyone that'd sit at a coffee bar will create intelligent conversation, this is where you should go. And yeah... the use of "should" is ample in this review and will be ample in your visit here because we who take coffee seriously trend proletariat; hence, the red of the five star review, the red of Intelligentsia's bag of beans &, at the heart of it all, the red of the coffee cherry.

Don't fret... individuality pours on with every single sip having a new nuance.

And, sure, Kermit was correct... it's not easy being green. That's why coffee beans leave their green-ness behind and choose to be a roasted, well-rounded veteran of Earth. As you should, too.
 

Milpool

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I really like how that review was stupid on many levels.
 

HORNS

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It's like Fuuma and Vaclav had a retarded love child.
 

TheIdler

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LOL, anyone else picturing an abominable snowman trudging through panna cotta?
 

Fuuma

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Originally Posted by HORNS
It's like Fuuma and Vaclav had a retarded love child.
Huh? I have very little esteem for those who elevate "art of living" practices to some transcendental level, or it a jab at my peculiar use of punctuation? Note: review is ridiculous
 

impolyt_one

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re-post, but this guy's blog enrages me to no end. You get a mix of his sloppy writing, his musings on very common foods that he's obviously trying for the first time - and then proclaiming to be 'how they're supposed to be done' (to include many Korean foods, Japanese foods, anything ethnic; fuck, French food is 'ethnic' for this guy, see some of his French restaurant posts) and the fact that he spits around the word 'food expert' a lot. He was a very amateur food blogger before and then must've gotten a job with some Korean female 'food academian' (and this is no sexist/racist thing, but female Korean academics have about zero to do with themselves here) who started a 'food communications' company that gives really lackluster looking cooking classes and food tours - led by this blogger - which are marketed as 'Korean taste tours with Korean food experts'... so his blog in turn has him becoming an expert food blogger. Watch some of his youtube video bloggings and see how long you can go without doing the
face. Better yet, see how few videos you can watch before you can do an impression of him. *It helps to know that just about everything to eat in this country is shit, and will not be better anytime soon. I just had customs come down on me last week because I was having Japanese tomatoes and cucumbers mailed to me. All of the glowing praise on this guy's blog is 100% bullshit, I don't know if it's because he has no palate nor talent, or if he really does know he's full of shit. http://www.seouleats.com/
 

HORNS

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Originally Posted by Fuuma
Huh? I have very little esteem for those who elevate "art of living" practices to some transcendental level, or it a jab at my peculiar use of punctuation?

Note: review is ridiculous


Take it easy - it's more of a feel I get than anything quantifiable.
 

Rambo

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The people who run the food section of my paper do not seem to understand the link between bad food, poor service, and a declining letter grade. You'll see a restaurant reviewed at B+ for food and B+ for service and then read the review about how several of the dishes were mediocre at best and sometimes awful.
 

HORNS

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Here's a Yelp review of Blue Bottle Coffee:

Smelled Nice

Warning: I don't like coffee, I don't like coffee, I don't like coffee!

I like to try or retry things every once and a while and having not drank any coffee in 10 years, I tried BlueBottle Coffee with some co-workers who swore it was the best. I tried it and I still don't like coffee. Funny to me is too see so many people who complain about global warming and the like at places like this.

I don't know how anyone can drink coffee if the say they believe in global warming. There is no excuse for cutting down the forest, building a coffee plantation, fertilizing/ pesticiding (petro chemicals) and use a fossil fuels to ship the stuff half way around the world so you can drink it. You don't need coffee! You could drink water. With that said, I don't believe in that global warming hogwash, so I can enjoy my drink of choice. If I see you there, I'll know you don't care about global warming too and we can toast to our fossil fuel SUV's with abandon or even worse the earth destroying Prius. (read the down and dirty on the Prius here http://clubs.ccsu.edu/...)

Too bad they didn't have any Tea for me. Luckily, I carry a plastic bottle of water with me everywhere I go. I little Skoal and couple sips later I forgot I had once again let the coffee bean into my life. The reward for avoiding the bean? You can truly taste the flavor of wine; almost impossible if you drink coffee.

I based the rating only on the coffee.
 

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